IEP: Round 4. AKA: I think I just fell through the rabbit hole...

Here's a quick summation of the last few years (just to get anyone up to speed who doesn't know the story).

Year 1: Is he medicated? We can try doing some minor in class modifications.

Year 2: Doctor said the A word and we should test him? He doesn't have the A word...

Year 3: A different doctor diagnosed him with the A word? He doesn't have the A word. We can test him ourselves....you know, to prove you wrong, if you'd like :)

End of year 3: Oh, the district says he has the A word and we got told we shouldn't have said what we did...here let's throw some social training classes at you and bail on this meeting so we don't have to acknowledge that we were wrong.

This year, leading up to today, there have been some high's and some low's. He has two teachers whom are both very sweet and do what they can with what is in the boundaries of their ability. They have both worked with me as much as they could. BUT there are just too many strings and bottom lines involved these days. There comes a point where your teacher can't do anymore. They have to hold your child to the standard that the papers they've been handed say to.

Don't get me wrong. I find that very frustrating. Why can't you say that my child has an ASD and X behavior is systematic of an ASD so therefore I must change how things are done for this person? As frustrating as it is, in the end as a parent you have to accept that your teacher (more than likely) is not willfully working against you. The only way to solve the BIG problems, is in an IEP meeting.

Despite a few heated conversations between Tyler's primary teacher and I, I am glad she knows that I do not hold any issue with her. She has been very gracious within the parameters that she has been given. Tyler isn't exactly an easy student. As frustrating as it can be to be his mother, I can only imagine trying to get 20 kids to learn a bunch of things on a daily basis with a Tyler constantly in your face.

So, it's off to the IEP to look for the tools the teachers need to get the most out of him. It's time to throw down what it is that I think he needs. It's time to lay it out what Tyler himself says he needs.

I had a couple of conversations with his speech pathologist who administers his speech minutes. I told her my issue with the rushed meeting last year. I told her my concerns for Tyler this year and for moving forward. She apologized for the way things turned out last year, and that she didn't know why Tyler didn't have certain things in place that are typical for someone with an autism coding. BUT, she promised to fix it. She promised ALL of my concerns would be brought up and gone over.

I wasn't about to hold my breath though. I was preparing for war. Experience had taught me that things would not be awarded just for showing up. I went through every paper ever brought home this past year. I picked out prime examples of each point I wanted to go over. I organized them in a folder so I could step by step go through the issues.

I made sure my voice recorder app was handy so I could record this meeting. My main plan there was to curb any snarkiness that I had received in the past. I had notes written on my tablet. I brought highlighters and a pen. 

I sat at my desk this morning giving everything a last once over. Going over things in my mind. I had to win this. Tyler was counting on me. As I made my last preparations I looked out my window at the steady fall of rain. It was dark and gloomy. It seemed to be spelling out the fate of this IEP meeting before it even started.

As time neared I finished getting ready. By the time I opened the door I was taken back by the bright sunlight that landed on my face. Was I not doomed? Were things REALLY going to be better? I decided on my way to the car that I couldn't firmly plant my hopes yet. It was still far too soon to be declaring victory.

We arrived ten minutes early. We sat down to wait it out. They were in another meeting. Of course. Was it going to be another replay of last year? Were they going to come out late and say sorry but we have another meeting going on still...do we HAVE to be here for yours?

Our time came and we started heading back to where our meeting was going to be held. Everyone apologized for the few minutes delay. You know how these meetings go. A team, usually of 5 or more people, sit on one side of a table and you sit on the otherside. Hopefully not alone. Maybe, if you're lucky, you've got a spouse or friend there for moral support. Many are stuck there alone. Feeling small. Being starred down by all of the professionals, and you've got nothing.

To my surprise, no idea if it was intentional or not but..., the speech pathologist sat on my side of the table. Right next to me. The air in the room felt nowhere near as hostile as it had in past years. I instantly felt as though Miss Speech Pathologist was on my side. Whether it was deliberate or not, she changed the tone for me. I did not make the planned announcement of recording the meeting. I felt that somehow, things just weren't going to play out like they had in the past. And they didn't.

Miss Speech Pathologist led the rodeo. And she kept her word. She made sure every point I had ever mentioned to her got brought up, and she had obviously been on the ball for weeks. The teachers were informed about my concerns, they had began working on them, and we were just all THERE.

We started with the math teacher who first off mentioned Tyler's obvious enthusiasm for everything. Which prompted a fresh story from the principal. Just today Tyler came running up the steps. Huffing and puffing. Flopping his feet. Looking like he was just about to fall over. Almost taking out other students. She asked him: Tyler, are you ok? YES!, I'M JUST EXCITED TO BE HERE!

And that is the Tyler that everyone knows. 

When we got to his primary teacher who deals with reading and writing, she immediately addressed the handwriting. I had talked to her before about the issue. Miss Speech Pathologist had clearly been speaking to her about it. She admitted that she hadn't been on the ball with the issue. She had been lax. But she promised that she was on it now and would stay on it. She handed me a piece of paper that she had Tyler write just yesterday. This is after having the handwriting specialist come into the class and give the kids a lesson on how to have good handwriting, and she left Tyler some special paper.

It was STUNNING. I have never in his life ever seen anything like this paper. They promised that instead of pulling Tyler out of class for special handwriting lessons that they would take it upon themselves to teach him how to do this. To be consistent about it. And that as a team we would help him achieve his goal of being able to write his own papers, and that he would be able to read them. I told them I didn't care who worked with him on his handwriting as long as everyone agreed there was a problem and SOMEONE worked with him on it. And if the result was something like this paper....what more could I ask for?

Is this not the prettiest thing you've ever seen?

We moved on to talking about needing to "chunk" his assignments. That instead of just saying, here Tyler this is due in 4 weeks. Make him have to turn pieces of it in every day because he has no concept of time. And likewise apply similar type things to other smaller scale things in class.

We agreed that he is still in need of sitting by a teacher, needs to be pulled for big tests, and needs to sit separately for smaller tests with something along the lines of folder blockers.

Another new thing is that he will have the resource teacher coming in and helping him learn staying on task skills. She will also formulate a check list that he can use to apply to all of his work. Things like, how is my handwriting? Did I do my best on this? Did I take my time?

Just little reminders of staying on task.

We talked about his new high school friend who comes and sees him three times a week. His primary teacher said she did deliberately assign Tyler to him. That she thought it would be a good thing for him. Miss Speech Pathologist and I couldn't agree more. Not to mention that this is yet MORE time for him to socially interact with someone. He get's to keep him until the end of the year.

There was some obvious concerns over the time he is already out of class. We are looking into everyone's schedules to see what can be moved around. Tyler seems to always be gone out of math class, and his math teacher thinks that is causing an issue. Understandably, but at the same time right now he can't have any less time in speech because as is he's still having tons of social problems.

I pointed out how he is still having a great deal of social problems. I pointed out how he would NOT tell his teachers if he were having a problem. Be that with another child or his school work. The math teacher said that Tyler doesn't tell her, but that she picks up on it. It meant a lot to me though when his primary teacher agreed though that no, Tyler will NOT tell either of them anything. That they have learned to pick up on when something is wrong, but that Tyler will come home and tell me, and that I have to relay that information back to her so she can address it. Last year a teacher insisted that because Tyler chattered at her about other things, that clearly Tyler never had any problems with other students because he would tell her if he were. She knew it, because he talks about everything else...so why not? 

The principal thinks that by next fall his time will have to be cut just based off of the increase of material that will be given out. I told her that as long as Tyler had made improvements... I'd be understanding of that.

I pointed out how he has trouble with multi step questions that show up on worksheets. He gets it wrong because he followed step one, but forgot step two and three. Or he followed step three, but forgot step one and two. The principal threw out some ideas of maybe having him highlight or circle question marks or draw pictures. We'll see how that goes.

Overall though, Miss Speech Pathologist took care of everything. Just like she said. When she had made it through everything she stopped and asked me if she addressed all of my concerns. And, I must say, overall I have NO complaints. He's getting help now from the resource teacher, he's getting to keep Mr. High School until the end of the school year, he's getting help for the handwriting problems, he gets to keep his current speech minutes, and they are going to start breaking down multi step or lengthy work for him.

After the meeting I went to the cafeteria to say hi to him. I pulled out that piece of paper and said, What.is.this?! The smile on that boys face is just priceless. He was so stinking proud of himself. His teacher said it took him about 10 minutes to write it. That's a long time for how small this paper is (it's about 3 inches tall and 2 inches wide). But it is a start. Practicing over time can increase the speed of his writing.

I actually feel quite good about today. I thank Tyler's speech pathologist for that. I also thank his primary teacher for that who at times said things like, I am already doing that on my own, but you should put that in his papers for his teachers next year. I never needed my papers. :)

The Baby....that will never be.

In what can only be described as another life that took place many moons ago: I was young, pregnant, and freshly diagnosed with a cancer that they claimed might result in terminating my pregnancy. I made it through and gave birth to the one now known as Blonde Eyes. After her birth I went through some of the most painful treatment that even to this day in this life I have never felt anything as horrible as that day in that life.

Something in me knew that it hadn't worked. I didn't want to hear it from the doctors though. I for sure didn't want to know what other treatments they might have in store after that. So, I just stopped going, and decided that ignorance would equal bliss.

Fast forward four years and I finally return to the dating scene.  We move in together. WHAM! My soon enough to be ex-husband couldn't imagine why I was so upset. He hadn't been there. He had no idea what I went through. But, when there is a baby in the mix, one cannot stay upset for long. Soon I was shopping for all the yummy baby items that make a girl giddy. Planning out my paychecks before I had even earned them yet.

Tyler was on his way, and my new doctor whom had a ton more cooth than my previous doctor never said the word terminate. She did make sure I understood though how bad things were, and that I just couldn't ever do this again. I was dying and being pregnant was like installing an express lane.

The day that I had Tyler I also had to have my tubes tied. I was mostly ok with this. It didn't have the word FINAL blazed across it somehow. I later had yet another treatment that was equally as effective as the previous one. I was merely buying myself time. One day, seemingly out of nowhere, my body threw in it's last card on the matter. 

I sat alone in my doctors office as she told me there would be no more talking about it. My choices had all expired. I had to have everything (all my ladiness) removed. Traumatized seems to be a mild word in this case, but it will suffice. I was suddenly taken back by the FINALness that was now brazened across the subject. It was do this or die. My husband took no issue with the matter. He saw no reason for my blubbering. 

I couldn't help but think, that if our marriage didn't last....what did I have to offer someone? Two "gently" used kids...who wants that?! I was at an age where it wouldn't be that far of a stretch for a man to still be childless. On one hand I put my whole worth into some eggs I'd never get to use regardless if they were in me or not because they were going to kill me. Aside from that though, deep inside....I just wanted ONE MORE.

Then and now, all I ever hear is how lucky I am to have had the two I've got, and at least I got one of each. You don't need any more than that! Like my feelings are unjustified. Am I being selfish? Forget telling me how dumb I'm being because I already have two kids, let me mourn the kid I wanted to have.

I'm finally in a REAL relationship (with someone who only has my two, less than gently used, kids to call his own). One that makes me mourn even more for the child that I wish I could have. I think about how amazing my husband would be. He'd be so doting. He'd go to ALL of the appointments. He'd savor every kick. He'd fuss at me and tell me not to move a muscle! He'd be just absolutely ridiculous. He'd get up at night. He'd hold the little bundle in his arms and give them a bath.

He'd be perfect.

But, it's never going to happen. And I'm stuck in my insecurities. Wondering about my childrens security in a mixed family such as ours. I'm stuck having what can only be called relentless nightmares of having a baby. Waking up and wondering WHY exactly does my mind hate me so much as to feed me those kind of dreams?

I'm stuck feeling like a total selfish jerk because I have a baby knee jerk reaction. In the past I've down and out right refused to touch let alone hold someone's baby because I have felt like....*sighs* like I just...CAN'T. Holding your baby, looking at your baby, touching your baby, would only seal my fate in having yet another dream about this child that will NEVER.BE.MINE.

So, so what..?! I'm selfish. I'm emotionally compromised. I am trying really stinking hard to deal with it. There is going to be a baby that I want to look at, I will want to touch them, I will want to hold them, and I don't want that knee jerk reaction to rear it's ugly little head. And I'll have to go to bed that night and deal with it NOT.BEING.MINE. I have to get over it. But...it's hard. 

I don't want people to not be happy about such things around me. You deserve to be happy about such things. Don't tip toe around me. Just know....it's hard. It hurts. I'm scared and I'm selfish. And if the day comes....and I can't....please understand.

The baby that will never be.