Life on the Run

My daughter has spent her entire life being spoiled.  A baby girl is fun to dress up. I was a young single mother and worked hard to provide for her. When she was a toddler I worked two jobs. After I was with my now ex-husband I worked nights and then later babysat out of our house. When we split up when I wasn't working I was busy trying to make up for the upheaval in both of my kids lives. The spoiling went above and beyond that though. She is the only granddaughter on my side of the family. Just as she is now still the only granddaughter on my side of the family as well as on my husbands side. There have been those in the family who have encouraged the thought process of entitlement. That rules were beneath her. She deserved things just for being alive. My husband and I have tried to teacher her that things are luxuries that are there out of kindness and our desire for her to have them. That everyone is bound by rules throughout life. People make mistakes, and that's ok BUT you have to pay a price for them. That accidents happen, but that you still have to own up to being the cause of it and do your best to fix it.However, so often, people have  been willing to make excuses for her mistakes, and try to wash them away with an "It's ok" or "That's typical behavior" or something of a like nature. That is not teaching her any lessons. That mind set is not doing her any favors. 

Spoiled was the beginning of the foundation for problems. The entitled attitude was very annoying. What could be worse? What has always worried me most about my daughter? Peer pressure. She has always had a strong desire to avoid conflict. She wants desperately for people to like her. She has always been willing to do most anything for acceptance. However, in the past, I never worried about peer pressure reaching her within the walls of our home. Had kids gotten her to do something not so smart in school? Yeah. I never in a million years thought they could get to her at home. Which was a mistake on my part, and I paid the price for it.

The foundation has been laied. It wasn't the foundation I dreamed of her having. Everyone has an enherit predisposition that can be fed or starved. Hers has been fed. She's a good kid. I can't relate to her. On any level it seems. I do my best though. I'm not proud of not being able to relate to her, but I can admit to it. In large, I suppose, the reason I struggle to connect with her is, because she has a good life, is mostly a cheery kid, but likes to imagine that her life totally sucks, and that every person she knows is a bad person. So, I had found that she had a fake facebook account where she was living out this dark life with people whom she had met online. I thought that was taking it way over the line. So we confiscated her laptop. Then instead of working on gaining her laptop back she started talking to these people on her cell. They told her that it was her god given rights to have that laptop and we were clearly abusing her.

o.O This is something that my husband and I have discussed before. The idea that first off that minor children have any rights at all. They don't. That's why their parents are held responsible for them. If the child breaks a law, it is the parents that have to pay the penalty unless the crime is of great weight and the child is of sufficient age to try them 
as an....adult. Secondly...the internet is not a right. A laptop is not a right. A cell phone is not a right. It's against the law to harm them...that's not right.

Not the place for a pampered princess.

So, they told her to run. They told her to hide. They told her they would "help" her. They told me they knew my daughter better than anyone. I couldn't help but see the humor in their delusion. Seriously? You think you know my kid? How far from the truth this would turn out to be. They told my daughter to trust them. They promised my daughter that if we found her that we would kill her. They, for a time, erased a life times worth of experience that told her contrary to what they were telling her. I know what they told her, because after getting her back I read through the text messages. Some of the texts were clearly not my daughter, as I know her. Others though....She repeatedly expressed how scared she was. That she was hungry. They insisted that she would be fine. Just hide. Some kids are capable of handling themselves on the street. She is far from being one of those kids. In the few hours she was gone....She went down into a creek to hide as instructed. She fell, repeatedly. She ran through a rose bush. She tore up my sneakers. She came home covered in bruises, soaking wet, scratched up from one end to the next,....and all in all just looked like someone who had been on the streets for days.

She came in and asked for her mommy to fix her up. She then curled up into me on the couch. They swore they knew my daughter so well. They didn't know or care that she was incapable of taking care of herself. I have been through some scary, rough, and hard times in my life, but never have I been as terrified as I was those hours she was gone. She made 
a mistake. A very big one. She now has to pay the price of that mistake. It does not make her a bad person. It does not mean that she's a danger. She's not going to do something stupid while babysitting. As I try to teach my kids, everyone, and I mean every.single.person.ever. makes mistakes and makes bad choices sometimes. What matters is where you go from
there.

So what's life like post trauma? Lots of trust problems. Lots of attitude being thrown around as if the distrust wasn't earned. Lots of not sleeping. Lots of worry. Is she...she? Is the she that she was for those kids lurking underneath? Did she really learn anything from this? Only time has the answer to those questions, and time is always slow at giving the answers.

Tyler gets a lesson in empathy!

Tyler is growing!

Yesterday we set out to pick Tyler up from my ex-husband's house. We chat for a few minutes as Tyler gets situated in the car and the X says his goodbyes. As we head home we talk to Tyler about what he's been up to since he's been gone. What did they do? What did he like about it? Did he not like things? Did they go anywhere? What did he think about any people they were around? His description skills are...lacking (that will play a small factor in what I am about to tell you) so I try to get him to work on it as often as I can. 

As we pulled out of the driveway he wanted to try and give us directions to go somewhere to SHOW us something, because he couldn't describe it. We passed ;) and just worked out what he meant. Then, as we headed back towards the highway he begins to tell us about how the X is now seeing a woman who has three kids. This gets my interest. My X has not dated one girl yet where Tyler got along with their kids. Be it bad merging, the other kids, or as many of you face...just plain ole ASD making it hard to get along with them. So I jump on that. How did he like them? Did they get along?

He tells me that there are three kids. One is a boy who is either a couple of months younger or older than him. Then there are two younger girls the youngest of which has a "brain thing". "Brain thing" is as good of a description as any from Tyler. What this affliction is has no baring on the rest of the conversation but it has everything to do with the conversation. Hopefully you'll understand what I mean in just a moment. Also I do not want to invade the privacy of this woman's family.

So, Tyler goes on talking about the kids and things they did together this past week. Seems as though everything went pretty well. Especially considering Tyler. He then suddenly says well, except for this one really gross thing that the youngest girl kept doing to him, and YOU DO NOT want to know about that. o.O Uhhh, yes...actually I do! He said, well....you know she's got that brain thing and....she kept kissing my leg! (He clarified that kissing is really gross and is only ok between him and the 3 parents). We both kinda giggle. Tyler is totally grossed out by the situation. Jason is trying to explain that she didn't mean him any harm, and I'm saying yeah but the thing is is that he doesn't like other people (especially other children) touching him.

So we asked Tyler...did you ask her to stop? He said yeah, and when she didn't I just kept saying her mothers name every two seconds. What does she think about the situation? She finds it really annoying too. The kissing or you hollering her name every two seconds? ;) He picked up my joke and gave me a "haha very funny" look and said the kissing. He then said, She's got that brain thing, ya know, so I mean..it's ok. Jason and I busted out laughing. Could not help it. Tyler didn't understand how we went from him being VERY serious about something to laughing suddenly when he was not amused at all. He was distraught over her kissing his leg (and said she also did other things that bothered him but the highlight is the kissing). We were laughing because here Tyler was...an a typically unaccepting child of anything outside of himself, and he was TRYING to empathize with this girl and her "brain thing". So we quickly explain that we aren't laughing at him, her or the situation. He then tries to clarify himself that it's ok that she doesn't KNOW any better because of her brain thing, but that he isn't ok with her doing it anyways. He wants her to learn that she can't be doing these things to him.

So I tell him that it is VERY GOOD of him to try and be understanding of her "brain thing" seeing as how he has his own "brain thing" going on. I was so proud of him for taking a situation that he couldn't understand or be accepting of, but try to make it work anyways. He did say that sometimes it got to be too much for him and he'd just cry, because he couldn't take any more. But he was trying to think outside himself. He was trying to be accepting of someone else's affliction. Someone he doesn't love. Someone he just met. Here it is, Tyler couldn't even explain WHY he was crying (we worked out that and decided he was crying out of annoyance and frustration), but he was trying to empathize with another persons affliction. Despite the fact that he was very uncomfortable with how it made him feel he still paused to say....but she can't help herself.

Tyler may not be all that great in dealing with emotions, but every once in a while... there are sparks. Some times, sparks catch fire....

Thank you mystery new girlfriend for (from what I have heard so far about you) having good kids, being a good person yourself, and for not being bothered by Tyler saying your name so much because he is freaking out. :)

(Also, do note that the laughter was expressed elation of the growth Tyler is making)

Dear New Teacher

So, Mama brought to me the idea of making this blog post. I loved it right away. Every year since Kindergarten I have gone in and talked to the teacher on the Meet The Teacher night before school starts. Every  year I have tried desperately to quickly sum up for them who my child was as they were busy watching the other people float around their room smiling and nodding. When I told my husband about the upcoming blog post he said, Isn't the principal suppose to do that? o.O I am not one to let whatever they have to say about my son be the be all end all on the matter. 


I currently do not know who Tyler's new teacher will be. We do not start school here until the end of the month. I have my fingers crossed as to who it will be. I have worked with one of them in the past in an enrichment class that included Tyler. I like the idea of already having a foot in the door. This is my letter:

Dear New Teacher,
         I wanted to take a few moments to touch base with you. To fill you in on who my son is. I know you will have been told that he has autism, and handed his IEP. I think I could do you a bit more of a service than that though. On top of that I want to ensure that you and I have and keep a good open line of communication. It will be vital to Tyler's success. One teacher in the past had told me that if I did not understand something that was going on that I needed to talk to Tyler about it and have him explain things. Tyler cannot do that. On one hand his memory does not allow for it, and on the other hand is his inability to properly describe things. There is also the ginormous barrier of his perception. Tyler is the last person you want to explain anything, because what he thinks will be very far removed from what you expected him to say. Case point: When asked why a teacher changed his system that we had been using for most of the school year Tyler said; because the other way was too easy for him to earn a lunch with her and she didn't want to eat with him. I do not believe for a second that the teacher told him she didn't want to eat lunch with him. However, this is what happens when you leave it to Tyler to explain things. You and I will need each other this year. I want to help you get the most out of him, and I want him to be happy in your classroom.


I have done lots of experimenting with Tyler this summer. I wanted to find things that could help you get the most out of him, and help him hopefully be a little less of a disturbance. Tyler is very easily distracted. Little noises (such as the clock ticking), people talking, watching someone do something, and then his own thoughts. Tyler would benefit from sitting by as few other students as possible, and the closer to you the better. Tyler has a very hard time with other kids. His day to day life very easily becomes about his hardships with his classmates. When taking small tests Tyler will greatly benefit from sitting somewhere where he can't see anyone. Tyler is a wanderer. He moves around the room a lot at random. I know this can be very disruptive to class flow. To help you combat against this I have purchased a weighted lap pad to leave in your classroom for him. Also, I will supply you with some wax earplugs. I have found that Tyler talks softer when using them as well as talking less, he doesn't seem to move as much, and his attention lasts longer. Using these wax earplugs or a pair of headphones should greatly cut down on his talking out. I would not let him take them out of the classroom though as he would be highly likely to lose them. Music class might be a good exception to that rule though. Sadly, I do not have a cure all for the talking at inappropriate times thing, but some of these things may help reduce the frequency of the blurting out.


Tyler needs very clearly defined instructions. You cannot just tell him to write you a story, and expect something fully involved from him. If you just tell him to write something, he will write you three sentences and call it a day. You can't even just say I want three paragraphs. You'd have to say how many sentences you want in those paragraphs. Last year they went as far as telling him how many words he had to use per sentence. And these things have to be defined each time. He needs to be given a subject, but please avoid things like "how you feel". Tyler get's very thrown off by these things and panics. These things apply also to written instructions. He will do his work based on how he interprets them. I received many papers home last year that I was suppose to help him correct that he would refuse to correct, because his answers were correct by the definitions of the instructions. A prime example of this is: when given a science paper that had a huge chart on one side filled with information, and then asked what could you learn from this chart? He answered with "Lots of stuff". When asked on that same paper what the difference between a liquid and a gas was he answered "You can't eat a gas". He answered several more questions in the same kind of fashion. The teacher had written on all of them "this is not an answer". But they were answers, and they were all true to the questions at hand. What was wanted was for him to USE the chart. Now was too late to define that because he had already answered the questions and made his perceptions about the paper. Once he has his perception it is very hard to work around it. However, if the question had been to name one thing you learned from the chart or use the chart to tell the difference between a liquid and a gas...his answers may have been more desirable.


Also in regards to being clear with instructions, it needs to be across the board. You just have to be clear with him ALL the time. Tyler does not understand joking around or sarcasm or what it has to do with the price of tea in China. After he gets to know someone he can get that they don't mean what they say, but he still won't understand what they are trying to say. He also has a hard time with words meaning more than one thing, and he doesn't get that saying things in a certain tone changes the meaning of the words. He gets confused by things like two to and too or words like read that can be said two different ways with two different meanings. He also has a delay between what he hears and what he does. So, if he is doing something and you say "now do this" there could be a few moments pause. Repeating yourself agitates him, if you do it too quickly. He also prefers to see vs hear.


Tyler no longer likes AR testing since he has read all of the short and to the point AR fact books. Tyler does not enjoy reading about imaginary things and when testing on stories in class (or AR) about such books he will not be able to recall the details about the book. Last year they did a book in class about a mouse and a motorcycle. Tyler remembered virtually nothing about it. He had no idea who the Aunt was or why she thought she was better than everyone else let alone understand the concept of being "stuck up". Tyler likes his reading to have a point and to get to it quickly. He gets lost in the filler stuff in books. It's easy for Tyler to see that a mouse riding a motorcycle isn't real, but when reading about people doing imaginary things the line becomes blurred for Tyler. He has on occasions come to me and asked if such things were possible, and when told no he would then say to himself; "Of course not, I just need to remind myself when reading it that it's not true". If AR testing is to be required I will need to know about that so I can stay after school with him and work together on it in the library. If you do any kind of book reading and testing in class you can expect to have some difficulty.


Tyler is also a creature of habit. Things are made quite difficult when they are not always the same. Every day Tyler comes home from school, sits down with a snack, and does his homework. However, the homework needs to be consistent and short. He can very easily handle one page of math homework on Monday's but when it becomes the front and back of one page he starts freaking out. Any more than the front and back of a paper, and he can't handle it. He has been in school all day doing these type of things. He expects to be able to come home and unwind from it, not do more of it. So either homework needs to be consistent (same homework on the same days) and short or perhaps give me all of the weeks homework on Monday's and let him turn them back in on the following Monday in exchange for the new homework. Tyler goes in for therapy every Wednesday directly after school. We do not get home until 6pm shower is at 7pm and he has to be in bed at 8pm. Between 6 and 7pm on Wednesday's we still have to eat and find some time for him to delve into his obsessions to relieve built up pressure from the day. He has to be in bed at 8pm otherwise there will be a very unhappy Tyler in the morning. I cannot offer anything by way of homework on Wednesday's.


A note in regards of Tyler personally... It helps to think of Tyler much the same as a balloon. Things happen, minor things, all the time that he doesn't like or understand. When these things happen it's like a balloon collecting a static charge. These things are rubbing him the wrong way, and they are building over time to a disastrous proportion. Tyler is unlikely to have a meltdown at school unless a singular catastrophic event occurs. So far, this has only happened once. Tyler doesn't care for being touched much unless he starts it. Tyler is very huggy, and can over touch others. He has two off limit areas. He does not like to be touched on the back of the neck or the shoulders. He doesn't like people pulling on his clothes. He doesn't like kids touching him period. That is something that quickly builds up. He doesn't like loud noises such as the school bell, loud voices whether they are directed at him or not as well as certain tones of voice, fire/tornado drill sirens, and thunder. Signs of stress in Tyler include him pushing on his forehead with his fingers, running his fingers through his hair and tugging on it, talking to himself, wandering, looking away, and picking at himself. Things that could be used to give him a few minutes of relief: you could send him to get a drink from the water fountain (he loves them and feels compelled to drink out of them whenever he is near one), send him to run an errand, or let him call me. Some teachers have let Tyler call me when ever he asks to do so, others have told him no. I can tell you though, I can help you avoid problems by talking to him for a minute on the phone.


I would recommend a weekly email letting me know what's going on in class, things you guys are working on, homework assignments, how Tyler is doing, what I should be finding in his backpack, letting me know if you need anything from me, and other such things. Just because things are sent home with Tyler doesn't mean I will ever see them. He loses things or forgets about them, but if I have knowledge outside of him that I can take to him it clears things up quickly. Aside from that, I eat lunch with Tyler every Friday, I'm the grade coordinator, you can text me, call me, email me or talk to me in the afternoon at pick up time.... I am fully available to help you with anything you need to make him more manageable in your classroom. I look forward to working with you this year. I hope that together we can help Tyler succeed.


I will also CC this to the counselor so that if need be any of the things that I have mentioned that are not in Tyler's IEP can either be added in without  a new meeting or a new meeting called to add them. Last year our IEP meeting was cut short so they could get back to someone else's IEP meeting that wasn't finished when mine started. The things that I have mentioned that are not in his IEP are still things that have been talked about in past meetings, and that I have practiced this summer on Tyler and found useful results.



Sarah T
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The Autism Connection

How the pieces fit in my house.

There are several theories about where new autism comes from, but one thing that can't be argued is the genetic factor. Autism has a high probability of having autism. NT (with no genetic links to autism) having autism is a roll of the dice. I've stated before that Tyler is not a case of a "lost" child, as some people call it. I never thought of him as "normal" and then "lost" him. Tyler was just always different. In fact, when he was a baby I'd often say, it's a good thing I had Hope first, because if I had had Tyler first there would have been no second child. Tyler was the straw that broke this camels back.


So, if Tyler was born with autism. Where did it come from? Knowing all that I do about autism. How it manifests itself differently yet similarly, knowing Tyler like I do, knowing my family like I do....I can honestly say, he got it from me. Understanding Tyler makes me understand myself. As I try to help him understand himself something always dawns on me about things I do, or things I did as a child.


I don't know where I got it from. That could probably be argued. Was it genetics? Was it the fact that I was born on my death bed and received a montage of drugs, testings, and treatments? I don't know, and I won't argue over it. Does it matter? Not to me. I like who I am. So what if I'm different. So what if I have a hard time being around other people. So what if other people don't like me. Guess what? The people who don't like me...I don't like them either :)


When I was a kid, I didn't suffer from Tyler's current blights. I had no desire to be included with people, and since I wasn't trying to force it....I was often accepted by all. I didn't care about the social groups. I talked to whoever I wanted, and they likewise spoke to me. And when the girls could no longer be friends with the guys because they wanted to date them, I was friends with them, because I did not want to date them. However, despite my social flexibility and the acceptance of my peers, the fact that I knew many people and the fact that many probably considered me a friend....I did not consider them my friends. Looking back on my childhood, I could tell you that I had 3 friends. Not all at one time either ;)


I almost failed Kindergarten, because I couldn't properly identify colors or shapes. In second grade the school diagnosed me with dyslexia, and I was entered into SLD (slow learning disability). By third grade I was no longer attending SLD classes. By fifth grade the office realized I was still enrolled into the SLD program even though I hadn't be to a single class in years. So I had to be tested in order to be released. In this process they ended up giving me an IQ test (maybe they were flabber gasted that I self taught myself out of dyslexia *shrugs*). I recall taking this test, it was long and boring. I was dubbed a borderline genius. Uhh, ok? What fifth grader cares about being on the brink of genius?! Even now, it's just a tid bit fact to me. It's like saying "I need to go to the store.". It's joined with other such tid bit facts of, I use to fancy myself a writer and had been published several times in my younger years or I dabble in art and some people like it. School had already become a series of repeats. I had gone from third to fifth grade and I didn't even notice a leap or struggle.


Outside of school....I kept my personal stuff to myself. I didn't even talk to my 3 friends about anything that had any kind of weight to it. I reserved those things for myself. In fact, at one point my most prized friend found out some stuff that I never told her and I was quite amazed at how upset she was solely because I never told her. Those were my things. They had nothing to do with anyone else. It had no impact at all on anyone but me. Perhaps I still don't understand that one, heh. My favorite place as an older child was under my bed. However apparently as a smaller child I often was found in closets or tucked in back corners on top of things. When I was upset I would rock myself and...talk. My teenage years is another blog all together. Maybe some day.


As an adult...I don't like unannounced visitors. It's an invasion into my personal space. My house is my personal space. I just don't like people in it. An unannounced visitor is like an assault. I don't like talking to people. If I have to, I prefer it to be on the phone. I have random massive anxiety attacks. I can go from being perfectly fine to OH MY GOSH YOU ARE SHREDDING MY INNER BEING LIKE GLASS THROUGH PAPER. YOU MUST CEASE AND DESIST IMMEDIATELY! in less than a second. I just recently realized....I have a seat. It's my seat. Don't sit in my seat. I can't eat sea food. I've tried. It makes me throw up. So does Chinese food, but everyone else loves it so I eat fried rice. It's the least Chinesey of the Chinese food. I have a total emotional disconnect to many things, one that I am completely aware of. I sometimes wonder if I'm heartless, but my husband would completely disagree with that. I'm not really heartless. I am just very logical and I sadly find a lot of people to be irrational and :( stupid. Oh, and I really can't stand to be approached by strangers out in public. Even if I'm in a store and someone who works there approaches me to ask if I need help with anything. NO I DON'T! IF I DID, I WOULD COME TO YOU!!


My husband (whom is a completely different story) is a lot like me. Except he is MUCH slower to freak out. It's actually virtually unheard of. Which is good, because Tyler and I have that department covered. He throws up over salads. He equally hates being around people. He's a lot like Tyler in the outward physical stims department. I chew on my inner cheeks constantly so it, I don't think, is ever noticeable. My husband chews on his hands. Tyler....does a whole lot of stuff. I guess Tyler is still working on finding his nitch. My husband also says things ALL the time that are crazy insane and insensitive. They are the source of many jokes for us.


Back when we were young autism diagnosis was still in it's infancy. Autism was still seen as a single extreme. Now that there is more awareness for the spectrum disorder that it is people like Tyler can get recognized. Seeing as how my husband works from home, and I am a stay at home mom, neither one of us sees (at this time) a reason to leave the comforts of our home for an official diagnosis. Neither of us is very willingly to go the dr unless we are close to dying. It's now just an inside joke. Hey honey, your autism is showing. Given my experience though, I would say that autism attracts autism. And what's wrong with that? We happen to think we are pretty amazing people. This happens to be THE BEST relationship of any kind that I have ever had with anyone. Tyler's dad (no offense to you if you happen to read this) I find to be just your a-typical NT jerk. That doesn't mean that all NT's are bad people. It's just can be hard to find one that you can get along with. However, in the autism community there are many NT people out there who have come a long way from the general public. And you guys....I commend you. You are amazing!