Bullying. What more could possibly be said on this subject that hasn't already been said a million times? Bullying & Autism. Once again, what more could be said that hasn't been sung by the masses? Autism & Rules. Heh, that's the name of the game, isn't it?! But, what's it like? You know, for the autistic. To be in that moment. Stuck between autism, the rules, and bullying.
How frustrating it is, as the parent, to try to teach an autistic child coping skills, the proper way to respond to certain things, what to do about bullys... When, no matter what, there will be a factor that wasn't a part of any lesson. Go to the teacher. That's the first rule. No matter what, tell the teacher.
But....
So, at the beginning of the year Tyler had been having some issues with a particular student. As the weeks have passed on those things have seemed to abate. Then, a new student arrived and things have since climbed far beyond the previous issues with the first student. Most days there's something. It's because of that I refused to allow the school to take him on a three day trip away from home. Three days? Completely off his schedule? Locked in with the bullies? No place to run? Forget it!
Tyler stays after school three days a week for tutoring. It's offered to everyone and only certain students are required to go if they are struggling. I have Tyler going to help make up for any missed class time from him going to Speech. He goes to Speech to work on social and life skills. So, Tyler's tutoring is on a voluntary basis.
Last Monday there were some students hanging out in the classroom waiting for tutoring to start while the teacher escorted the rest of the class outside to be picked up by their parents. The new student that Tyler has been having all kinds of trouble with was in there. He began hitting Tyler. Anyone who knows Tyler knows he doesn't like to be touched, especially by other children, but this wasn't his first rodeo with a student attempting to physically hurt him.
Tyler, by no means, is a small child. He's a big boy. The kids who pick on him have no idea that it is his autism, and his autism alone, that saves them from getting the face pounding of their life. Tyler has always shown great restraint when it has come to kids laying their hands on him at school. Now, if this wasn't school, they may not be so lucky. May autism take mercy on the kid who ever finally evokes his fury.
True to Tyler's fashion, he said nothing to the teacher when she returned. I heard all about it after school. I sent an email that night. I didn't discover until later on in the day on Tuesday that I had apparently typed in the email address wrong (I didn't get a mailer demon back, that's why it took me 24 hours to realize it hadn't been received by the teacher.). I sent out another email knowing it would be far too late to do anything seeing as how the kids would be out of school until today.
Today at school Tyler got talked to by a lot of people. All telling him he needs to tell a teacher. First rule, remember? Insert the following conversation:
D - Tyler, is the reason why you didn't tell the teacher because you didn't know that's what you were suppose to do?
T - No.
D - Exactly. So, why didn't you tell her?
T - Because tutoring was about to start. And, that would have been "off task". You can still get marks in tutoring you know?!
See? Always some factor you didn't consider during your lesson. He didn't tell the teach because there was another rule stating that if you are "off task" you get in trouble. This issue would have derailed tutoring. How much more "off task" can you get? Well, guess I can't tell the teacher this kid hit me.
I've been sitting here thinking. Why can't they ever stop and think, just for a moment, about him having autism? How easy Tyler is to understand if you just educate yourself to what autism really is and then look at how it applies itself to him. They might actually be able to help him!
While thinking about what I think is wrong with the whole process I had myself a little light bulb moment. I always relate to Tyler. He is so much like me, but in a much more loud and vibrant kind of way. But, I identify with him. With all the rush a memory could muster, it dawned on me why Tyler behaved the way he did in this situation. And, many others like it.
Once, when I was in third grade, my class had gotten on my teachers last nerve. She demanded class room silence. She stated that unless you were bleeding or the sky was falling there wasn't to be another sound out of anyone. To put the period at the end of her very real statement she wrote it in big letters across the blackboard for anyone who was confused as to the times talking was now appropriate could refer back to.
NO TALKING UNLESS YOU ARE BLEEDING OR THE SKY IS FALLING!
I had bought myself one of those nifty pencils, at the "school store" (a little shop set up in the cafeteria) , that when the lead wore down you pulled it out, stuck it back into the top and a new, very sharp, piece would pop out. I sat there at my desk doing my work, ever so silently. The teacher then told us to get something out of our desk. With my pencil in my hand, my elbows bent, I began the process of going into my desk to get said item. That's when my neighbor bumped my elbow. Shoving my brand new, very sharp, pencil right into my leg.
I raised my hand.
Teacher - Are you bleeding?
Me - *looks at my leg* - *shakes head*
Teacher - Is the sky falling?
Me - *shakes head*
Teacher - Then no talking. Get back to work.
But, gosh, my leg did HURT. It wasn't bleeding though. There was a little ring around where the pencil went in, but the hole was sealed shut when the pencil broke off. But, it really does hurt.
*rinse and repeat the above conversation*
I don't recall now how many times we went through that. The rules stated I couldn't talk, but there was something seriously wrong. I was in mental agony as I tried to work out what I was supposed to do. I finally fell on the technicality of "sort of". I mean, there was a LITTLE blood, although I wasn't actually BLEEDING.
After making my "sort of" plea I was allotted a moment to explain myself. She was then absolutely flabbergasted as to why I didn't say something sooner. Umm, you said NO talking. Remember? Not unless we were bleeding or if the sky was falling. Remember? You said that. You even wrote it on the board so we wouldn't forget. How did you forget? Maybe I should have pointed to the board for her...
I know what it's like being stuck between two rules. Not wanting to break either. Not knowing which one to obey and which to disregard.
There are always factors that are unforeseen. On both sides. I just wish the school system was more willing to look with their eyes, instead of trying to make everyone fit into boxes that their book says they should fit in. Maybe then, they'd understand what it's like. Maybe after having that understanding they'd be able to help individual kids.
*shrugs* But what do I know. I'm just a parent...
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