The Zoo AKA Over Stimulation Central

Tyler asked to go to the zoo over the weekend, and after a week long shut in (Spring Break) I felt this was a very reasonable request. Ah, the zoo. An old friend of mine. We keep a membership here. The membership is fairly cheap and you can't beat the value. Want to do something but don't have the money for it? Let's go to the zoo!

Back when Tyler was in Kindergarten it was a trip to the zoo that really brought home to me that something wasn't quite right with Tyler. And this wasn't ADHD. I had NO idea what that meant, but something had to change. Knowing everything that I do now about Autism I can honestly say that Tyler has been Autistic since the day he was born. But then, I didn't know a single thing about Autism or the spectrum that encircled it.

We always like to go to the zoo RIGHT at opening time. Not for good parking, not even to beat the heat, but to beat the people. Then, just as it starts warming up and the people are all flooding in...we're just about done and on our way out. Tyler has always been a "leader". He walks in front...and he walks fast. Although one might worry about losing him, Tyler has also always been the kind that you shouldn't worry about losing because he wouldn't allow it. There had been more than one occasion where I couldn't SEE Tyler, but he knew right where I was at all times and came back. Not that this helps you not feel all panicky inside.

So on this day as the day went on more and more people showed up and I had to keep reminding Tyler to slow down and to stay close. I hadn't yet figured out that my repeating words only added to his issues. Finally, my worry of the crowd swallowing him lead me to the ultimate no-no. I reached up and touched him on the back of the shoulder/neck in an attempt to make him stop. He instantly threw himself down on the sidewalk screaming incoherently.  I have seen myself MANY tantrums. This was no tantrum. I had no idea what it was, but he wasn't trying to get something out of me and this wasn't ADHD.

As a side note: It would be another year before someone introduced me to the A word.

Here lately there has been a lot of talk how our kids have grown up seemingly out of nowhere. I have a picture on my desk of the whole family from a few years back. The other day my husband picked it up and was talking about how this picture didn't seem like it was from so long ago, but yet the the baby in the kids faces is now gone that was very present in that picture. One can't help but notice the shapely young lady that Blonde Eyes has become. Tyler is now a smidge taller than me. I have no doubt that soon the genes he got from my ex-husband will have him towering over me. Where has time gone, and where is it continuing to go?

This week at the zoo Tyler still manned the front. Although my husband was very quick to point out that he has slowed down. This isn't a race anymore. I've noted before that Tyler lingers now at places, and it was no different at the zoo. He walks ahead, and then stops, and stays. At one point we even moved on before he did. Tyler came up behind us and said, "Hey! I turned around and you guys were gone!" I didn't see him and assumed he had moved on, but apparently he had just moved over and became hidden by other people. Oops.

There is a tunnel that you walk through to get from one side of the zoo to another. Tyler was talking to me as we walked and then he got bothered by all the other people not talking, but yelling in the tunnel and causing horrible echos. He said, "You know, I'm just going to stop talking until we get out of here." I told him I understood, and about the echos. So he asked everyone else in our group to please stop talking and adding to the echos until we got out. Blonde Eyes of course kept talking, but Tyler stayed true to his word and stopped. 

At a later point Tyler had moved off away from the crowd and told me that he was staying away from all the people. I couldn't help but be proud of him for constantly being aware of himself and his needs and then doing something about it. When did this happen?  When he had enough and wanted to go home he said so. I had even thrown out about going to the aquarium since it wasn't far, but he was done. 

On one hand that day at the zoo with him laying on the ground screaming seems not THAT far gone, but yet it also feels like it was in another life. Tyler is almost 11 now. He still can't adjust his own bath water, but he's learning self awareness. He's learning his triggers. He's learning how to cope. And really...isn't that we all want for our kids?

Dear Children: A mother's only wish for her kids.

I spend a lot of time with my kids these days in the school environment. I chaperon the parties and the field trips. These days I spend a lot of time with my teenage daughter and her peers as they travel for competitions. This weekend has really opened my eyes as a parent as to what it is that I want for my kids. Only one thing. Let me tell you about it.

When I was a kid I was not socially dependent on my peers. I did not obey any of the social laws that bind the school yard. I was able to talk to the boys that the girls wanted to date, because I had no interest in dating them. I was pleasant enough that anyone from any social group felt that I was approachable.  The only people who didn't like me were those at the top of the social ladder, and well, I didn't care.

I grew up in a hostile environment. It was hostile on many levels, and often there were hard decisions that had to be made. Countless times I was left picking the better of two pretty crappy choices. BUT, there was something I knew, even then, that was going to save me. They could have my body. They could bend it, break it, leave it for dead if they so like. BUT they could not have ME.

I was defiant in that manner. I was untouchable. At least, in the sense that mattered to me. I was locked away in a place that no one could ever reach me. Any physical abuse left little to no scaring. Verbal or emotional only left behind some bad habits I taught myself for self defense. Unlearning those habits took time and patience on my husband's part, and perhaps he developed a little tougher skin.

My kids are socially awkward. Tyler having the mark of Autism is buzzing about like a very annoying bee. Mostly Tyler doesn't really care about being WITH people as much as he just hates being ALONE. Hope on the other hand is a very odd creature. She's VERY much dependent on her social peers. Social circles guide her like a daily newspaper horoscope. Yet, at the same time it's not so pressing that she worries about the clothes she wears or if she's brushed her hair. She also lives in two worlds at once. Reality and her make believe universe constantly overlap and get tangled in a mess together. She often can't tell the two apart, giving her false memories, and this has had numerous effects on her socially.

This weekend, while traveling with the teenager for a competition, I had a very interesting text message conversation with Tyler that really drove my wish home for me. As part of the team I have to sit on one side of the gym with the other teams. Regular spectators sit on the other side. The hubs, Tyler, and the grandparents came to watch Blonde Eyes perform. I went over during a break to say hello to them. Tyler wanted to come back and sit with me. This had nothing to do with me. It was all about wanting something he couldn't have. Which was sitting on the other side. I returned to my seat...alone.

I sat in my seat and watched the performances and read my book while they switched out or as a performance lost my interest. Tyler began texting me.

Mom, why are you sitting all alone?

Because, no one likes me :) Oh well, their loss!

But Mom, you're all alone.

I'm never alone. I have me! What more do I need?

This was more a testament to Tyler's own fears of being alone than him not wanting me to be alone, but I suppose if you didn't know any better it would seem very sweet on his part.

But this is my wish:

Dear Children,

   If I could wish upon you one gift. Only one. That would bless you in a way as to serve you well your whole life through, I would not wish upon you wealth or even health but SELF. To know who you are, to be comfortable in your skin, to love you, and to be able to let the dirt roll off that those whom don't matter will throw at you. No tool in this world will be as handy. No weapon will defend you more. Drape it over you as a suit of fine armor. The great people of this world are called to stand alone. Be ready. Stand tall. And just be YOU.