What does it mean to be a dad? Is it the person who beds a woman to create the child? Is that all it takes? Now, don't take me wrong. I don't mean to down play the role of the biological dad. However, I feel there is a complete under appreciation for the "step" dad. Everything is always on a case by case situation to me. Some biological dads are awesome, some are not. Some "step" dads don't get themselves involved in their "step" children's lives, but then others merge themselves so seamlessly that the line is blurred.
I look at my husband, for example, whom is head deep in everything. He's there for IEP meetings, teacher meetings, doctor visits, baseball games, and Color Guard competitions. Bed time stories, showers, tucking in rituals, and good morning songs. Cuddles on the couch, trips to the zoo/aquarium/sporting events..., and fairs. School lunches, field trips, alien killing, and driving lessons. The immersion level is deep, and the line between biological and "step" so blurred that most can't even tell.
Even my ex-husband refer's to a "step" dad as his dad, because he was the one who was there. He was the one setting the examples and inspiring him along the way. So, what absolutely kills me is when people say things like "I respect his role as the step-dad." What does that even mean? Would you say something like "I respect their role as the adoptive parent."? If a child were being raised by an Aunt and Uncle with minimal contact from their biological parents would you say "I respect their role as the child's Aunt."?
What is it about children that make people live through them? They take the child's every achievement and make it their own. "Oh yeah, look at what my child is doing. Doesn't that make me so awesome because I am genetically connected to them?!" It's because of this line of thinking that people don't generally let anyone but the biological parents take credit for anything. My genes make up 50% of who Tyler genetically is. Does that mean I am 50% responsible for him being good at baseball? Shoot no. He's good at baseball because him and his non biological dad play almost every single day. Sure he's got some natural skill, but there is no "baseball gene" in the genetic coding that gets passed on, and some natural skill gets you nowhere if you don't have someone to show you the right way to use it.
And if genes are so important than my daughter should be MAD. She's the child of a genius yet she totally got the short stick. So, clearly, biological isn't everything.
So, why is it that as a society we can't let go of this biological link? Why is it that we can't stop thinking that it trumps all else. On an individual scale people do it all the time. I know several girls who their dad isn't their biological dad, and they are the most "daddy's girl" of girls I've ever seen. But, society looking in would go, "Oh, you're not biological, so I respect his role as the step-dad." o.O Seriously?
I know two women who are raising a "step" child/ren. They mother those kids every single day. Everything I do for my kids, they do for theirs. I could only imagine the heartbreak they would suffer if someone said to them, "I respect your role as their step-mother." Why can it not be, "You are doing an AMAZING job mothering them." or "You are doing a great job raising them." or Heaven forbid "Look at how well they are doing with what you've taught them."?
Likewise, I know of other step-parents who do bare minimal with their newly found children. It should also be stated that in some relationships it is not desired, by the resident biological parent, for the incoming parent to get themselves involved. It is not always the case though, and it should not ever be presumed that it is. Just as it should not always be presumed that all biological parents are actively involved just because they are biological or assumed they are not involved simply because they are not the primary care giver of the child. Point being, unless you know the individual case on a deep personal level don't assume you know the way it is.
What is everyone afraid of? Offending the importance of the one providing the DNA? So, it's better to offend the one providing the day in and day out care? Why can the one who is there not receive any credit without the other being offended? Why must the biological parent take all the credit for the hard work of the "step" parent just so the biological one doesn't get upset?
Here is something I was saying to Tyler the other day to explain something else but it fits very well here. Look at it like this: Let's say you were doing a project with someone at school (or work) and when it was all done your partner went around and told everyone they did all the work and everyone praised them for it. You wouldn't like it. It wouldn't make you feel good. Anddd it's wrong. This is no different. In fact this is the exact same thing, just on a much larger scale.
"Oh, look at the way your boy threw that ball! *pats on back* Good job on having sex with your ex-wife on that one!"
Like I said, don't take this wrong. My ex is a super hero in the eyes of my son. But why is it that the man who is with him every single day isn't allowed to be too? Why must his importance be belittled so that my ex's role can be up lifted? Be it my ex or anyone else doing the belittling.
I relish the things Tyler says about my husband. He gushes at how fast my husband can run. Tyler use to ride his bike along side my husband as he jogged and then they would race. He was always amazed by him. Tyler has always been fascinated by my husbands hitting and pitching. Tyler has thanked him for the gift of baseball. Even stating that he knew that without him he wouldn't have baseball.
What do I want people to get out of reading this? Don't discount the importance of a "step" parent. Specifically in the case where that "step" parent is there more often than the biological parent due to the child's living situation. Don't assume that just because someone is a biological parent that they are somehow valued more than another care giver. Likewise, if you are a biological parent don't belittle the role the other parent is playing. This isn't a matter of being replaced. Check your pride at the door. I assure you there is more than enough love and admiration in a child's heart to go around.
As a society we need to move away from this thought process of biological parent > any other parent type.
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