Dear Ex-Husband

Something has been on my mind. So I want to sit down and work it out. It's about my son and it's about my ex-husband. Whenever I sit down to talk to The X though he just always nods and says ok and leaves me feeling like he didn't hear anything I had to say.

So, I'm going to say what's on my mind. Work through it here. Maybe he'll read it. Maybe he'll understand. Or maybe it will just be one more reason to hate me. *shrugs* I'm just tired. I'm tired of the fighting. I'm tired of the childishness. I just want the very best for my son. I want him to have his needs met. His very personal and special needs met. I want him to be happy. So, here it is...


Dear Ex-Husband,

        We didn't have the greatest relationship. Our marriage could have been better, but honestly we just weren't right for each other. You knew it, but I just wanted that white picket fence dream too much. It was hard for either of us to do the right thing by one another when deep down neither of us wanted to be there. Believe it or not I hold no ill feelings towards you for any of it. Sure, I think you're a jerk, but I wouldn't dream of telling Tyler that. When I say I wish you no harm and nothing but happiness I mean it.

      You see, I finally got it right. I found someone who is just like me. He's good to me. He's good to the kids. Those kids are his life. I have terrible thoughts that if I were to die before Tyler was grown...would you strip Tyler from his life? I hope you wouldn't possibly be that cruel. He's dedicated every ounce of who he is to support me in my efforts in making sure that Tyler has everything that he needs. He's helping him on a daily basis. Teaching him how to be a man. Showing him what's right. And he can teach him, far better than you could ever possibly manage, how to live with Autism.

     I know I don't include you in on a lot. Over the years I've figured you just didn't care. There have been times I've tried to explain things to you, and just felt like I was wasting my breath. Do you want to know about the battles I fight at school for him? Do you want to know about the details of his "disorder" and what that really means for him? Do you want to be more included? I'd be happy to change the way things are currently done between you and I. Right now I feel like the only thing we've learned how to do is work around yours, mine, and Tyler's schedules.  But this is what I need first:

    First, please understand that this isn't a knock to you. I am not trying to proclaim that you are a bad parent, that you don't know your son, or anything of the nature. What I am trying to say is, I spend every single day with him. I am the one dealing with the school, his doctors, and the various other people in his life. I am the one dealing with his needs on a daily basis. I know intimately what works for him and what doesn't. I know the difference between what he WANTS and what he NEEDS. I know how much, of what, he can take before he eventually breaks down, and that breakdown isn't always connected to what was going on RIGHT before it happened. It's almost always a build up. He holds on to things until he can't take anymore or he feels safe enough to let it go.

     All I want (in regards to me) is for you to be able to say, "This should be ran by Sarah, because she would be a better judge as to how this would impact Tyler." Don't look at anything I say as me telling you how to live your life. I honestly don't care what you do with your time. All I care about is Tyler being set up to succeed. In order for that to happen he has to constantly be given the best set up possible every time due to his special needs. So, when I tell you that he needs to go to bed at a certain time, I am not trying to ruin your evening. I am merely trying to set the stage for Tyler to wake up in the morning ready for anything.

    I want you to stop viewing my husband as someone to compete with. Tyler loves you both. You both have your place in his life. Instead of telling Tyler things like you're stronger than he is and that he is just so weak, why not say something along the lines of, "Hey, how has Jason taught you to do this? Let's stick with that!" You don't have to build my husband up in Tyler's eyes, but you don't need to tear him down either. But you could help us out a whole lot by just being consistent with us. Which is the number one thing Tyler needs. Things get really confusing for him easily. And even if you couldn't bring yourself to say it to my husband would it hurt you to say to yourself, "He does a good job with my boy when I can't be there, and I'm thankful for that."

    As Tyler ages things are constantly changing. What worked for him two months ago no longer does. What applied then, doesn't now. Whereas all of that could be true for any child, it is especially true given the nature of his "disorders". He needs us. ALL of us. The fight ahead of him will be long. When he becomes a teenager his struggles will not go away. If you want to be apart of the good stuff you have to be willing to be apart of the hard stuff. It's the only way I'd be willing to share more. So, if you want to join Team Tyler just let me know, but I will not set you up to become a road block for me.

   I don't want to be friends. I don't care who you date. I don't even know your new girlfriends name....don't care. I don't care about their kids, just that they're nice to Tyler. I don't care what you do when Tyler isn't there. I for the most part don't care what you do when he is there. I honestly, just don't care about 95% of anything to do with you. I care about a few things that connect back to Tyler, and that's it. Really though, I'd love it if you'd just ASK me about stuff. ASK me how things have been going for him in school. ASK me if he's developed any new quirks. Just don't sit there and hide behind the good ole "I figured you'd tell me" crap line.

   But, you know, if this isn't you. If you're not interested. Don't feel pressured. I don't really care. I can keep operating under the current parameters. Do keep in mind though, that what I do is only to keep you from being a road block or from enjoying the spoils of my hard labor. 


So, there you have it. I'm not sure if I got everything out, but hopefully I got enough out that I can move on without thinking about it anymore. Who knows how it will be taken if he reads it. Who knows how anyone else will take it. It just is what it is. Maybe all that not caring makes me a bad person, but....I don't care. I didn't have a good working marriage with this man, but that doesn't mean that we can't have a good working parenting relationship with each other. Well, unless it's not wanted.