Where are you Christmas?

What a  gorgeous day it is today. The sun is shining, the bite in the cold air is gone, and there is a feeling that I can't quite put my finger on that is stirring inside. I'm in a good mood. Not that good moods are rare, but this is something a bit more special than just a good mood. What is this?

For years now I've gravitated towards a particular Christmas song. It's one of the few modern Christmas songs that I like. "Where are you Christmas" from the movie The Grinch who stole Christmas. I have a really happy and blessed life, but for some reason there has been a feeling that has been missing at Christmas time. What made the matter worse was the seemingly no reason for the feeling to be lacking.

Yet, here I am today, twelve days from Christmas and I am pretty sure that is the feeling stirring within me. Something from long ago, like an old friend, that you finally meet with again. You're both a bit unsure. You say your hellos and try to feel the situation out. You want to dive in and act like the time was never lost and no one is ever going anywhere ever again....but, you just don't know.

Where did this feeling go? Why was it gone for so long? Why is it back just now? Does any of it even matter at all? I'm not so sure that it does. Shouldn't I just throw caution to the wind and embrace this feeling for as long as it may last?

It's not that I don't have problems. Because...I have problems. I have debt. I have a middle of the barrel single income. I feel tired and strung out from all the strings that are pulling me in different directions. I wish my husband and I dated more, but time can be so hard to come by. So, what's changed?

My relationship with my mother has improved. We're not as close as we once were, but we call each other from time to time to check and to say we love each other. That's more than what it had been. The relationship between my daughter and I has vastly closened. She has one temporary mental break down and WHAM! Now we're like BFF's with the occasional reminder that I am still the parent in the relationship.

I've had a pep in my step all day. One that had been swallowed up in a rut for ages. I've bopped along, getting my stuff done, and done it quietly as to not disturb the hubby while he works. The mailman came to the door with Hope's early birthday present and he was chipper and OMG life is beautiful out here, come outside! And I didn't think him crazy. It's in the air. 

I have tried to instill into my children that Christmas isn't about presents that it's about a feeling. The spirit of Christmas is what truly matters. Troubles and worries aside, it's about what's on the inside.

These are tough times for many families, and my family is no different. But I have found Christmas. Right where it has always been. Right where it should always be. In the feeling of family. A feeling that can be found on Christmas, and every other day of the year. One most only look a little deeper for it.

Merry Christmas vs Happy Holidays, and what it means to have Hope.

This weekend I was cleaning up my room and had some online Christmas radio station playing. Suddenly, I really got to thinking about something that get's me every time. This is kind of a combination piece. I think it adds on to the point I was trying to make in a recent post about using the "I'm disabled" card as an excuse to be mean to people. For me, it is never ok for ANYONE to call other people names, belittle their opinions or views... To me, there are people out there that just have far too much time on their hands.

I think this is particularly true over religion, and the never ending battle over "Merry Christmas" vs "Happy Holiday's".

I know people who do not consider themselves religious in any way, I know some who call themselves atheist, I also know many people of various other religions. I live in an area that seems to be highly populated by Jewish families. I've had Jewish neighbors, I know Jewish families through school, and both of my children have Jewish friends. I always tell my Jewish friends Merry Christmas. I am Christian, why would I not? Does them being of a none Christian faith mean I cannot offer them a word of good will?

I likewise have non faith and atheist friends. Most of which are just happy as pie for you and yours and are not the source of what I am about to say. However, I do know, and have known others who go far beyond just not believing in religion for themselves, but those who seek to destroy it for all. Especially at Christmas time. 

Why? Why would you do such a thing? How much hate do you have to have in your heart to want to strip others of their hopes? Nothing in this world is perfect, and for whatever reason you hold in your heart for choosing not to believe....why must you name call, belittle, and tear down your neighbor?

While cleaning and muddling through my thoughts on this matter I turned to Firefly. If you have never watched this show, you should. I thought upon the episode where River was being looked after by Shepard. River, not being able to make sense out of his Bible began to rip out the pages that she deemed to be impossible. She told Shepard that she was fixing it for him, to which he told her...you do not fix the Bible, it fixes you. He informed her it was about having FAITH, it didn't have to all make sense, it was about BELIEVING. Later, after reviewing her work, she brought it back to Shepard and told him that after she tore the pages from his symbol they turned to paper.

To me, this scene speaks volumes. It's not about right or wrong. It's not about humanly possible or not. It's about HOPE. Having something to believe in is a powerful thing. No matter what it is. (When I recently told Tyler that I didn't know about buying him a certain something for Christmas he told me, "You don't have to buy it for me, Santa will give it to me...because I believe!") Hope is what keeps people trucking a long. What makes them get up to fight another day. 

Instead of bickering over who is right or wrong, that logically it couldn't really be Jesus' birthday, what's the politically correct term to use....let's just offer each other a word or two of good will. In what ever manner means something to you. Whatever gives you HOPE. Whatever brings the warm fuzzies to your heart. 

Christmas in the hospital, 1997.

Fifteen years ago, I was spending my Christmas in a hospital bed with what filled me with HOPE. So much so, she was thus named. I have Hope with me every day. Although, I didn't know how long I was going to live and where life was going to take me....I had Hope. 

Upon finding out that I was expecting (what would have seemed like an uhoh teen pregnancy), I also found out I had cancer. I found out that it was grave. Both times I was pregnant the status of my cancer was severe enough that my life and theirs was in danger. My first visit to the doctor during my pregnancy with Tyler I was told that there was just no way my body could ever deal with a third child. Tyler would be the end of the line. After finally winning my battle against cancer, my marriage ended, and I was in a car accident that nearly took my life. 

HOPE is a powerful thing.  

I could not imagine getting through that time in my life without hope. So, I likewise cannot imagine why there are people out there who want to take that away from others. Christmas is a big time of year for me. Once upon a time, it was a time of uncertainty. Life has come full circle, and I have even more hope, faith, and good will to offer to all.

So whether you are Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Pagan, Atheist, or .....

                MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

The verdict is in. Tyler suffers from autism.

It's almost a certainty if I receive a phone call from a specific area code that it is going to be the school district. There is one specific number that I know right off the bat to be the automated message number. Although I did get thrown off once and it was actually a person. Today I received a call from the automated message line informing me that a person I was friendly with and had a lot of doings with outside of the elementary school had randomly died the night before.

So when the second call came in from a separate number but same area code, I paused. I sat and looked at the number across my screen and debated as to whether or not I wanted to answer it. I sighed and bit the bullet.

It was the schools Speech Pathologist calling me in response to my call last Friday to the school Counselor. On one hand this would seem odd if it wasn't for the previous call. I imagine they have their hands full up there. They are offering grief counseling.

She asked me what it was specifically that I wanted. I told her just what I had said in my voicemail. I want a new meeting. Changes need to be made. But...You're not due til February. So? There's a problem NOW. Yeah...but I just don't know if we can squeeze in a meeting before Christmas...we are SO busy. Is there something we can do, maybe working with the teachers to help?

Well, the teachers are doing great as far as that goes. They're trying. The problem is... My IEP meeting was rushed through so that they could get back to the previous IEP that had been going on HOURS before mine and they still weren't done with it yet. So, now I have an IEP with holes in it. And, on top of that, this year there are so many things going on that Tyler had never faced before so no one knew there'd be a problem.

S.P. - What's the problem?

Me - For starters: His handwriting. It's terrible. Most of the time you can't read it. There are times HE can't even read it. I've talked to his teacher about this. We're all in agreeance. It's bad. Teacher says at this age his handwriting is solidified. But he gets marks on his papers for being sloppy, he loses points for not being neat...something needs to be done. 

S.P. - Ok. I'll talk to the OT people and see if we can get something going or see if he has to first be evaluated for a problem in this area before they can help him.

Me - Then: There's the whole issue of him getting lost in the classroom. Sure, they go over stuff in class but when it comes to processing it after the fact and that many of the things they are doing have longggg deadlines...he becomes confused. Somewhere between home and turning in the work he loses it. He does parts of an assignment, and forgets the others.

S.P. - Doesn't he have a resource teacher? They are usually the ones who help those with autism learn these kind of skills (time management/organization).

Me - Don't think so. Like I said. They hurried my meeting. Although they did bring in someone to touch base with us during the meeting in the event that they decided Tyler needed to go see that person.

S.P. - Ok, it sounds like to me that he's having trouble with a lot of things that are just common for those on the autism spectrum. He should be seeing the OT and Resource teachers. I will make a note of this here and see what I can get started and then if we can't squeeze a meeting in before Christmas maybe we could do the first week in January when we come back.

Me - That'll do. It just needs to get done sooner than February. He's struggling, and that's unacceptable.

S.P. - Are they using a check list with him in class?

Me - Not that I'm aware of. You mean, like in past years where he had a schedule and he checked things off throughout the day as he accomplished them?

S.P. - Yes.

Me - As far as I know...no.

S.P. - Did they help?

Me - I have schedules taped on my walls. Constant reminders of what he's suppose to be doing. Stuff he doesn't get at school. In the past, when he did these things in school, as far as I am aware it did help. It helped him stay on task and they said it helped make him more accountable for himself.

S.P. - Ok. We'll see about getting him a new one. Anything else?

Me - Well...What are YOU doing with him? Last year she took him 3-4 days a week (deliberately stated because she only takes him twice a week) and worked on socialization and volume control. He made great occasional progress. Now...? Not so much. Just Friday he got written up for being too loud in the hallway.

S.P. - Ohhh, so he's been having trouble recently. Well, I am glad you told me about that. I will work with him on implementing what we learn in class to other areas. *talks about how in the group she takes him with for socialization he does very well in and is very helpful to the other people whom struggle more than he does*

Me - Well, socially this year he has done much better than what he has in past years at this point. However, he does still struggle out on the playground with "equal" peers. Tyler has always been really good with  people who are at a lower level than him (hence why he plays with 5 year olds after school on the playground). You put him out there at recess playing football with the other kids and he tries to commandeer the game and they don't take kindly to it.

S.P. - That's a good point. I will try to start pulling him sometimes with groups of other people so he can work on applying the skills in different settings. He is definitely at the point (referring to the amount of time he has been in the speech program) that he needs to start learning to apply the skills he does in my classroom to other settings.

Me - Just so you know we have been working on understanding "personal space" at home.

S.P. - If Tyler cannot explain to you I could send home a packet of what we have been working on. It was designed for those with autism. We are learning about expected and unexpected. *brief run down that I don't quite recall (something about expected (acceptable) behavior and unexpected behavior that makes others uncomfortable)*

Me - *explains how Tyler sucks at explaining*

S.P. - Will work on that. 

*Giggling over Tyler being super excited about getting an eraser from her the other day*

S.P. - Ok, let me talk to the other teachers and I will get back to you just as soon as I have heard back from everyone and we will start getting this taken care of.

Me - Deal!


In short? NEWS FLASH! Tyler has autism and doesn't have all the services he should have. Time to fix that. By all means S.P. lady...tell the freaking principal WTH autism is. Tell her what's COMMON autism struggles.

*sighs* Two more weeks till vacation time. I can make it. Tyler can make it. 

WE CAN MAKE IT!

Mom? Dad? Is anyone there?

This weekend Blond Eyes was in a Christmas Parade for the city. We got up at 6:45 on a Saturday morning to usher her off to the starting point. The parade is hosted every year by different people and this year it was hosted by her color guard squad. The hosts were asked to be there earlier than the rest of the band. Her parents, her little brother, and her grandparents all lined up along the side of the road to see her march down the street in the mist of this giant hooha. When it was over she said that one of the members of her guard needed a ride home, because her parents weren't up yet. Not up yet? So they didn't even go?

This turned over in my mind for the rest of the day and on into the night. I decided it would be the next weeks blog post....but a few days are always needed to mull things over a bit in my head. Sunday morning I got up and a friend of mine had posted a blog link for her pregnant friends. I read the post, and it was in line with my thoughts...sort of. It was meant to encourage and set fears a side to expectant mothers, BUT in doing so it talked about how moms in the days of old did things. Which is what I had been thinking about the night before. Except, not just about moms, more in general.

Here are my thoughts on involved parenting.

Ages back I wrote a post about being involved. A month before school started Blonde Eyes was in band camp. Just before the start of school they were suppose to go in at predesignated times (based on their name) to pick up their schedules and have their ID badges made. Well, her time fell while she was at band camp. I thought there would be no issue, and figured she didn't really want me there anyways. You know...Miss High School and all. Not to mention...she was already going to be there due to the camp. Sadly, there ended up being an issue and she was unable to get her schedule or anything else done. She came home all sorts of upset with me. She even cried over it. She accused me, YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE! AND TODAY YOU WEREN'T!!

Miss High School indeed. I have come to understand that even though she puts up this front and tries to act like you're embarrassing her...she always glances out of the corner of her eye. She's looking, and she expects to see you there. As she marched up the street I saw her glance from the corner of her eye at us, I saw a grin creep across her mouth, she was dying for you NOT to call her name....but bygolly you had better do it. She turned her head at us to object to her brother's overly loud rejoicing....but not too much, because he might stop.

Shhhhh, you're embarrassing me!!

Afterwards she complained about the fuss. It was already hard enough to do her flag work and walk at the same time without having to deal with the distraction. Yet, you know that if there had been no distraction the complaint would have been...no one even cared!

I thought back to a very impressionable night of my youth. Despite the fact that one mostly didn't want to have any attention in my house there were a few times where I wished... just for a moment we were different people. This one particular night probably the most. 

Every year my elementary school had what they called a "Spaghetti Dinner" night. It was catered by Olive Garden. You came with your family to eat and to watch a show. Part of which was put on by a group of fifth graders. I had been in that group. I worked with my group for a long time to memorize this routine. That night, I got all dressed up in my costume. I walked out the door, and walked myself to the school. My parents were home. My siblings weren't doing anything important. I walked myself to school.

I did my performance. When it was done I stood in the entry way looking into the cafeteria. All the students sitting with their families, the teachers sitting together, and everyone enjoying their meal. Where would I sit? I decided I didn't belong there. So, I walked myself home. 

My children have never been forced to feel that way. When they scan the masses...there is always someone there. Miss High School is proving...there is no age limit to wanting to have your own personal cheering team.

The grin that betrays her mask of disgust.

Sure, in the old days things were different. Parents weren't involved. Even less so than what my parents were. Each generation back there was less and less involving yourself with parenting. I'm glad that the being involved part has mostly changed. Obviously it hasn't for everyone. There are some changes though that I find sad. 

I use to take myself to the park, swimming, ride my bike across town to the beach, travel up and down the islands of Florida....and no one cared. We'd walk into a theme park and it was "you come back here at X time", and that was the last you saw your parents....and no one cared. Today, most kids can't even play out in the yard without someone glued to the window. They don't dare just wander out in the open and out of sight.

Can we be involved in our kids lives AND let them have the freedom of NOT being kidnapped? That would be great...wouldn't it?