On the outside looking in.

The heart of someone loving someone with Autism.

We've talked about meltdowns in the past. I really wanted to come at it from a different angle this time though. There is a song I've linked on our facebook page recently, and I wanted to talk about how I relate that song to Autism. How I relate that song to Tyler. If you did not listen to the song when I posted it, I encourage you to do so now. I will wait for you. Song.

Now then. About the above picture. I.absolutely.love.Tyler. However, I ride the roller coaster of Autism with him. Sometimes....it just isn't a fun ride. Which will be the main point behind this post. What it's like to be in the passenger seat of a meltdown. I am going to use a meltdown from a couple of years ago as my reference point in this post, because I feel like this particular instance sums it all up.

One afternoon Tyler was having a rough go of things. As was typical of the time, he was suppose to have 5 minutes of time out. Time out was 5 minutes of silence. Most of the time this was readily accepted. Occasionally there was a slight resistance, but never much. On this particular occasion though Tyler just cried. He stood and cried. He sat and cried. I called for him to come here. My heart was so sad for this wilting flower of mine. He wouldn't budge. He just cried. So....I went to him. I just knew he needed a hug.

KABOOM!

Ok, so I THOUGHT I knew he needed a hug. Apparently a hug was the last thing on Tyler's mind. I violated the "No touch" clause. This child detonated in my arms. I was actually afraid to let him go. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I held on. He screamed. Wildly. Incoherently. He accused me of choking him. He screamed more incoherently. He told me I would never be able to fix this for him. He cried. I cried. He screamed. I cried. I held on for dear life, and I cried my broken heart out. He was right. I likely could never "fix this" for him. How hopeless. I cried as he continued to scream incoherently. Suddenly, he woke up. That's all I can really say about the change. He was screaming incoherently one second and the next he was completely quiet. He became still in my arms. Suddenly he became aware that I was crying. He thought I was injured. Tyler understands someone else being in physical pain. He began to check me over. I told him that my heart hurt. He stood up. Looked down upon me. "Oh"....he turned around and walked away. 

This is what the after picture looks like.

He didn't come back. Tyler does not do emotional pain. Since this day he has told me that from now on I should say that my arm hurts and to go get dad the next time that I am emotionally wounded. This is the roller coaster. Autism is it's name. My son Tyler is the driver, but every once in awhile Autism takes over and takes us both for a ride. It's never fun, and when he takes back control it's like waking up from a really bad dream. One that you don't quite remember. Except....I remember them. These dreams...hurt. A lot. I feel helpless and afraid. A terrible sadness. All I want to do is "fix this". He's already told me I can't though...

Confusion.

 So, what do you do? You lick your Autism wounds and you get back in there. You can't live today afraid of when/if Autism takes over again. You will miss out on SO much. Find the bandaids to cover the claw marks on your heart. Stich up anything too big for a bandaid. I have the connection I do with Tyler, because he knows he can trust me with his Autism. He knows if it takes over I'm not going anywhere. I'll be there to ride the ride with him. I'll suffer as he suffers. I have no doubt that he is suffering. He is in pain. I am not the only one. He knows, that even though he doesn't understand my pain, that no matter how much it hurts... I'll be there next time. I have often heard him proclaim to someone "Why can't you just understand me?!" or accuse someone "You just don't understand me!". I do not have that issue with Tyler. In fact, he often says that no one understands him like I do. I have that understanding, because I'm in there. I'm fighting Autism with him.

The song - This song talks about being afraid, but doing it anyways. It talks about loving someone through great pain. Waiting for them (to come out of  a dream...?). Dying for them. When Autism takes my son away from me, I do die. I do become afraid. I suffer great pains as I watch him suffer great pains that I cannot "fix". This song, when I think of it as my journey to my husband it makes me smile. He was so worth waiting for. He was worth the steps I had to take to get to him. But when I think of this song in relation to Tyler...my eyes well up. It's a constant process. I have him. I lose him. I have him. I lose him. He's mine again! And I would not trade my life with Tyler for anything. In spite of this battle we fight we live an amazing life together.

Some day...Tyler and I are going to walk off into the sunset. We'll win the fight against Autism. We'll show it it's place, and it will control our lives no more. It will be apart of it, but with no control.