Take a walk with me...

Almost every day since our first day of Kindergarten I have walked Tyler to school, and then walked him home. I have always seen that as our special time. Time that no one else gets. It's where we renew our bond. Anytime he notices that we're not walking in sync he will change his stepping to make it happen. We talk about all sorts of things. These are precious times that only I share with him.

I'm a creature of habit. Once a habit is created I can work solely off of autopilot. However it takes time for a new habit to stick and only takes the routine being broken once for it to be broken all together. On top of that I have a lot of sleeping problems. The hours around 5-8 seem to be when I get my best sleep. A little hard to walk Tyler to school if I'm asleep. On top of that Tyler can be lazy. He likes getting a ride to school. So for the first six weeks daddy drove him to school. I walked with him a few days, but the habit wasn't sticking.

Above and beyond the benefits I get from spending that time with Tyler, I also get some valuable exercise. That walk is a 2 mile trek for me. One there. One back. Days like today where it's extraordinarily muggy, and it's like walking in a sauna. I have been using my arrival home as my queue to eat breakfast. I am the world's worst at remembering to eat. Followed closely by never drinking any fluids. 

Anywho-So, here is a glimpse at a walk with Tyler...

My day starts with Tyler rushing in, jumping on the bed, and hollering at me. With a pillow over my head I mutter "What time is it...?" Tyler proclaims "I don't know. 6:40?" ....."Go pack your lunch."

Tyler jumps back on the bed. "It's 6:50 mom." Then he begins jabbering about the tie he's wearing. It's tie day for red ribbon week. It's his church tie. We haven't been to church in a long time. Why haven't we been to church in a long time? We haven't been church in a long time because of school stuff. Right, mom? We haven't been to church because of school stuff...? o.O I'm going to go out on a limb and say we haven't been to church in a long time because I'm tired and I freak out every time people invade my personal space. (No worries, I did not say that.) Instead, since he's obviously not going to let me sleep, I begin tickling him.

Ok, ok..I'm up. Time to get with the program. Go to the bathroom, get dressed, stretch, go to the bathroom again JUST in case, and then give the internet a quick once over while Tyler gets his morning Pokemon cartoon fix. With my email checked and a glance over to Facebook it's time to scoot. 

While locking (and checking) the door Tyler demands..."Who is that?!" *looks* There is an unknown, and apparently unauthorized, teenager standing on the sidewalk waiting for the teenager from next door. We head out. I ask Tyler how things have been going so far this week with the red ribbon stuff. He tells me that well, yesterday he had been sitting there praying that they'd call his number (he even said "amen" and everything!) , and as he was sitting there with his eyes squinted shut, his hands clinched, and saying please please please....they called 4th grade #55. SO CLOSE! He's #59.

We actually manage to get by the imitation transformers without any rants.

One of the FAKE transformers.

We continue on down the road chatting about this and that. Just as we are coming to the red light it begins to change. I said "Aww, too late." Meaning to push the button for the sidewalk sign and to have it trigger. Tyler bolts for it, pushes it, and tah dah! the sidewalk light changes for us. So we scurry across the street, and I spend the next few minutes having to defend myself for saying it was too late.

We go back to chatting about this and that. Then up ahead I see a girl walking her bike along side a little brother. I asked him if that was his girlfriend up there. I don't recall the girls name, but her and Tyler have quite the combative relationship. Nothing in a bad way. They just compete for the conversation and to be the one on top of whatever they are talking about. He looks up ahead and says that yeah he thinks that's her, but mom you know that's not my girlfriend. You know who my girlfriend is.

Now for the rest of the walk to school we talk about his girlfriend. I'm sure her new husband has accepted that she has the favor of many a young boy. *nods* The first grade teacher. He loves that woman. Heck, I love that woman. He talked about how he was never going to forget her. He won't. Not ever. She was just one of those teachers. She touched Tyler, and I love her for that. 

We kiss and hug in the middle of the crosswalk as I hold back the cars. We shout I love yous and part ways. Tyler is the only one that I know of out of his peer group who would do such a thing. Most of his peers barred their mother's from public displays of affection years ago.  Tyler doesn't care. He's his mother's Babycakes. You want to make something of it? ;)

It is these precious moments that I get pretty selfish over. Unless the weather says NO, then this is my treasure.

Mommy needs a time out corner!

Looking for my happy place.

I've said it before. I am really glad that my husband is a different kind of autism from Tyler and I. Tyler and I have the market covered on freaking out. We get over stimulated easily. AND can freak out of seemingly nowhere. My husband is three degrees of cool and calm virtually all the time. Granted, he is constantly self regulating himself with stims. Aside from that though, he just isn't that kind of autistic.

So, this weekend.... I don't really have any complaints about anything, but does that always mean anything? Sadly not. Sooo...this weekend. Friday night we had a baseball game with Tyler and at the exact same time Hope was traveling with the band to an away football game (but the game wasn't that far away). We went to the baseball game. Grandparents went to the football game. After band party? HA! Blonde Eyes fell asleep on the bus on the way back to the band hall. Clearly we all need some sleep.

Saturday morning grandpa calls and asks if we wanna go have breakfast with them. Ok, sure. Who the heck turns down a free meal? While at breakfast Tyler starts pandering for a new pair of boots BECAUSEEEE it's red ribbon week and you're suppose to wear boots on Wednesday to stomp out drugs. Zombie Blonde Eyes decides she's gonna come back home and veg. The Ex decided he'd come take Tyler to dinner and then watch his game so he picked him up from the grandparents that evening.

*insert dinner with the grandparents, because I couldn't answer the "what's for dinner question" thrown at me by the husband.

We get to the game on Saturday afternoon, and the husband goes with Tyler to start warming up. Now, Tyler has been shuffled around a bit today. I will give everyone the benefit of the doubt that nothing major happened while they had him. We'll chalk most of what happens next to transitioning issues. My husband is one of the coaches. Tyler is a possible pitcher for the night, but it wouldn't be until late in the game. While warming up he wants Tyler to throw him a couple of pitches to see where he's at. Tyler begins freaking out.

Apparently we were suppose to know that before we got there that he had thrown the ball a little bit with the Ex and that on top of that he hurt himself while doing it. So, he didn't want to throw anymore BUTTT he'd be just fine to pitch in the game. Never mind all the huffing and puffing. I'm sure that would have NO ill effects on his pitching. Also, somewhere in the warm up someone hit him with a ball and he didn't approve. 

Then insert a lot of harassing the other coach about pitching RIGHT now. Forget the other 2 kids who didn't get to pitch last night. Let's forget about playing our base, and harass the coaches about pulling the pitcher so I can pitch....Fine, if I can't pitch I'm just gonna not even watch my base. More huffing and puffing. GAH!

It was at least on and off. He'd pull himself together and play......then he'd remember that oh yeah he wants to be pitching. Kind of funny actually since he had recently proclaimed that he'd rather catch than pitch. But ok...whatever. We got through it.

Sunday. Sunday, is almost always chore day around here. Life is just that busy these days. Who likes chores? Not Tyler...He dragged his feet. Argued. He's doing it. What else is left to do? I don't know...how about you pick up that stuff at your feet?! A bit like pulling teeth, but we got through that too. Then I wrote a quick grocery list. Tyler is always the keeper of the list, but on the way to the store dad asked to see the list for a moment. Tyler began flipping out and refused to hand over the list. Tyler was returned home. We have a talk about being so argumentative (amongst what passes for a meltdown these days).  

Finally get almost everything done. The only thing that didn't get done that I had wanted to get to was mopping the floors. I decided whatever, it can wait. I began baking cookies with the teenager. Tyler catches eye of this and starts freaking out all over again. HE wants to bake the cookies. Tyler, this is a girl thing. This is us having us time. No. No. No. Tyler, next time just you and I will bake cookies. No. No. No.

GAHHHHHH!!!! Ok. That's it. Everyone needs to hush. I.Just.Can't.Take.Anymore. Does anyone listen? Heck no! GAHHHH!!!!

So there is this spot in my room where I have been trying to figure out what to do with it ever since we first looked at the place before moving in. At this point I am pretty jealous of Mama and her chair. I want my own chair. I want my own space where I can go hide from everyone that doesn't mean that I have to go to bed. I need a place to decompress away from everyone. A place where everyone knows not to go, not to intrude, not to speak in.

Mommy needs a time out corner!

Items needed:
-Time out chair (Something like this)
-Side table (Something like this)
-Ear defenders (Something like these)
-Blanket (Something like this one)

Oooo, and then I could hang the picture I bought at Oktoberfest last year of the Riverwalk in San Antonio. Ahh, something to fantasize over.

Split families and extracurricular activities.

My ex-husband and I split up when Tyler was just 3. I suppose in the big picture that was about the best time for it to happen. You won't hear me mention my ex-husband much and when you do it is usually in passing. I've enclosed a few disclaimers at the bottom of a post saying that what I said was not about him and shouldn't be seen as a slight against him. I just don't want anyone to read my posts and think that I am slyly saying something ugly about him. I'm not. If I have something to say....I'll say it.

When we split up I had this insane notion that we could be friends. I didn't want to fake it. Kids are too smart for that. Friends turned out to be too ambitious. There isn't a whole lot of instances where I'd give him a high five. I don't think he gives me a whole lot of reasons to like him as a person. I think there are a lot of things he could be doing better for Tyler and by way of helping out with Tyler. Fighting is tiresome though. So I just let him do whatever and take whatever he's willing to give.

My ex-husband and I don't agree on much it seems when it comes to Tyler and what is good for him, what he needs, or how to do things. In fact, I don't even think I could come up with one thing. We do make a good effort to work out holidays, birthdays, and special events. I have always been the one to make a big hooha about these things. Now that I am remarried it's even more of a big deal. My mother-in-law makes an even bigger fuss than I do and my brother-in-law comes in from his 3000 mile buffer zone. We do a lot of activities during those times. And I do something for Tyler's birthday every year.

If you follow our page then you know how much Tyler loves baseball. He plays most of the year. Between the two seasons there is only a couple of months where Tyler doesn't have anything to do on the weekends. This wasn't always the case. My husband Jason played baseball as a kid, and he even played for a time as an adult. I wanted to get Tyler into something, but with him being gone every other weekend I didn't want him to be missing out on half of everything. It seemed so wrong to do that to a little kid. So, I put it off.

One day it finally came out. The Ex and I were arguing. Who knows about what. And I just told him. I'd LOVE to let him do something, but I don't want him to be missing out on half of it. So he snapped back at me, just do it and we'll work it out! Well fine...spring baseball here we come. I don't include him in any of the details. I don't tell him how much I spend on it. This is something that my husband and I do for Tyler. If the Ex wants to contribute to it he's more than welcome to, but I'm not asking. My in-laws usually ask if Tyler is in need of any new equipment from season to season. So my Ex helping isn't going to make or break Tyler's season. I always pay Tyler's fees but I know that if I couldn't the grandparents would be more than happy to take care of it.

There is a boy on our team who comes from a split family. Like with my Ex and myself... they do not get along. They can't even come to some kind of playing field where on his weekend the boy could play baseball. So he doesn't get the practice that the other boys do, and he misses half of the games. This weekend we have two games and he'll miss both of those. It's pretty sad, and it's had me thinking lately.

I don't think my Ex likes me. I don't feel like he appreciates all that I do to make things happen for our son. I don't think he understands or appreciates what I have to do to get Tyler the help he needs for his autism or the amount of money we have to spend on therapy and sensory tools to make his life better. I don't think he appreciates how good of a job Jason does with Tyler. How much of his heart and soul has been poured into raising him. As I have stated, I too struggle to find things to like about my Ex. It's a hard place to be in. BUT...

There is one thing that my Ex does give to Tyler. There is one thing that my Ex makes me happy over. True to his word....he let's Tyler play baseball. During one off season Tyler played basketball, and he let him play that too. No matter the issues my Ex and I might have with one another.....he shortens his weekends, or skips them all together, because Tyler wants to play baseball. Each spring and fall season after I get the schedule I snap a shot of it and text it over to him. I tell him when we are having practices that season. And we set a basic plan for the season and then wing it as needed (rainouts and such).

A thought came to me recently. It wasn't in regards to my Ex but it fits just as well here. I have a nephew that wants to come see me and was disappointed to find that he wasn't going to be allowed to. The thought came to me...there are times, as a parent, that you will have to allow your child to do something, even if you don't like it, because if you don't... there will come a time when your child will leave, and not come back. If you want to strengthen your relationship with your child to the point that they remember you when they are grown, then you must accept that they have desires outside your own. They care for things that you do not. You cannot speak unkindly of the things they love or allow for others around you to do so. And sometimes you have to let them do something that you wouldn't choose for them.

So to my Ex (whom does read my blogs)...Thank you. Thank you for letting him play. He sometimes struggles with transitioning between our houses and sometimes he's a bit of a mental mess when he's on the field....but thank you for letting him have that.

Hearing. It's just too much.

I've told you guys about the wonder of difference that overcomes Tyler when he wears earplugs. That is just what I see. But I could not tell you what it actually DOES for him. I don't know how it impacts him. Just what the see-able difference is. SOOOO....let me tell you about ME.

All my life my hearing has been like....static. That's really the best I can describe it. I hear everything....pretty loudly. The more sounds and/or the longer those sounds continue the more pressure that builds in my ears. It feels like pressure. It's like static but without the static. Not the crackling static that you might be thinking of. Like a t.v. channel gone dead in the middle of the night. More like....feeling the crackling without the noise. Pressure moving, tumbling, and turning in on itself inside my ear. It kind of throbs. Pulses.

All noises are like this to me (I am currently listening to the hum of my husband's computer. It gives a constant soft chirping the sounds like bees in the distance but yet loudly. As if I was sitting a his desk...but I'm not). I can tolerate most of it as I am use to day to day sound being this way. There are certain sounds though that over time will cause me to flip out. Likewise there are sounds that within moments will cause me to lose it. So, one day, under such circumstances I grabbed for a pair of Tyler's wax earplugs (unused of course). I could not believe the difference. For the first time in my life sounds were more than just bearable. I could hear everything just fine but they were so soft and dare I say...pleasant? 

Above and beyond the sound difference. For the first time in my life I spoke softly. All my life I have been told by people that I am speaking too loudly for the situation. I have it mostly under control. I don't YELL, but I am loud. A real problem for me had always been the longer I talk or the more excited I get. I get louder and louder as I go. 

Here recently we were out to dinner with the parentals. It was pretty noisy and there were multiple conversations going on at our table. Most of the conversations were crisscrossing across the table. I spent a good 10 minutes thinking inside my head about this. I was struggling to follow my own conversation. It was so loud, and I was fighting to sort out my own conversation from the others. It has to be pretty bad for you to stop and take note of the situation.

I from time to time wear a pair of Tyler's wax earplugs now. They make me feel at peace in the world. I don't like the feeling of the wax earplugs. They form a pocket of pressure so it kinda hurts my ear drums. I really want to get a pair of ear defenders. I would wear those ALL THE TIME! That's on my list of things to get when I've got the spare money for it. (Kids are vampires that suck your wallet dry.)

So there you have it. That is what it is like to me. Everyone is different, but maybe this could help you understand what it might be like for your child. I know Tyler cannot explain much of anything very well let alone something like this.

Helen of Troy - Hope of Dallas

So, I've often ended up in a situation that leaves me thinking about...What is wrong with people?! Why do so many people seem to have nothing better to do than to tell people things that aren't true? It's more than that though. Why do so many people have nothing better to do than speak untruths on someone else's behalf? You know...when someone is talking to another person says something to them as if you had said it as a deliberate attempt to make you into a jerk.

I'm divorced. I'm use to this kind of B.S. And B.S. is just what it is. I don't always think my ex-husband is a great person. BUT I most certainly do not ever talk badly about him to Tyler. I do not ever tell Tyler that my ex said something that he didn't say. Nor do I ever tell Tyler that this is just the way it is because I KNOW how his father is. I do not talk badly to Tyler about any of my ex-husband's family. I don't even rant online about it.

Likewise. There are people in my family that I do not get along with. Whereas this is no secret...I do not speak badly about them or claim that they have said or done things they have not done. My kids know that it is just factual, we don't get along. They also know, that it is on my family's side. They know that I am willing to have a better relationship with anyone who would want that.

Yet time and time again Tyler tells me about ugly things that have been said about me. Whatever. Ok, fine. I don't harbor ill feelings left over from the divorce, but that doesn't mean no one else does. I just chalk it up to people being crazy. This isn't even my fuss really.

My fuss is with Hope. Hope is my modern day Helen of Troy. She's my...Hope of Dallas. I don't know what it is about her, but Hope has a way of inciting insanity. AND for some reason people seem to think they can say things to her, she'll believe it, and NOT say anything to me about it. Instead, as soon as you are out of ear shot she is in my ear. MOMMM!!!

So, people tell her I say things or that because they just know how I am... o.O seriously folks? Have you ever stopped to think that Hope is a big girl and can make her own decisions? Sure, she's a good kid. She's not going to roll her eyes to your face and be rude to you. Hell, she won't even say "No, I'm not interested". She just doesn't like being in those conversations. So, she is going to smile at you, nod her head, and even say ok. JUST to end it and get out of it.

Hope does not believe that I am the one keeping her from seeing anyone. Hope is keeping herself from seeing those people. And she's busy. Real busy. With her teenage life. She is not going to throw away any of that to spend time with people who she knows tell her lies about her mother. So when you start a conversation with Hope telling her that it's all my fault, that you're having to hide this from me because I wouldn't allow it, and blah blah blah... She turns around and tells me. I don't even ask her "What did you guys talk about?". I don't care. I expect it to be B.S. She tells me, because she wants me to make you shut up.

So, what spurs this on? Well, there was a case of this a couple weeks ago at one of Tyler's baseball games (apparently I don't let Hope go to her own brother's baseball games at certain times because I don't want her to see certain people....not because Hope doesn't want to go or has something else she'd rather be doing..), BUT there was another that happened last night. Hope received a text message saying - I know your mom doesn't want you talking to me... We're all sitting there going WHAT?! Hope replies and says that she is allowed to be talking to that person. The person replies again saying, I don't want you to be getting in trouble for talking to me, but on my side of it I am always willing to talk to you. o.O Do you really think that by repeatedly insisting that I said you can't talk to my daughter that it will somehow make it true? Really?

I wish nothing but happiness for my ex-husband/his family and to those in my own family that I don't get along with. I actually wish nothing more than for everyone to reach a point where they can let the past go. I'd love to be able to have a get together and have everyone there with no problems and no awkwardness OR any backstabbing going on.

In the end, my point is...STOP USING ME AS AN EXCUSE TO COVER-UP YOUR OWN CHOICES!! That's what all this comes down to. You people are hiding behind me. It's so much easier to make something someone else's fault than to own the blame. If things are the way they are because that's the way YOU want them, then own it. If things are the way they are and you want them to change....then change them. But stop being such a coward that you have to lie to a child so that the child doesn't look at you badly for your choices. The fact that you do that only tells me that you know you're being a jerk.

Let's put on our grown up pants.....

Battle of the Sexes - Who does what?

So here a little while back (maybe a week or so ago) I was talking with ... Mama.
That's right. Yeah, I know. What's new? Not much I guess.. ;) So anyways.. We were
talking about her needing to let go of some things for some peace of mind. The truth
is...we all need to cut some corners for the sake of holding on to even a little bit
of our sanity. So, I thought I'd share with you how I do it. What my family does 
works for us, it won't work for all, and sure some things could be better...but
such is life.

I'm a fairly neat person. I can follow a routine and keep things the way they are.
The problem is....everyone else. I find it very tiring and maddening to clean up
after multiple people who can't seem to follow basic instructions for cleaning
up after themselves. Back before I had kids I was in a relationship with someone
who would holler about the place being a disaster because the shirt he threw over
the chair was still where he had thrown it. Oh, well excuse me for not feeling
like finding the dirty clothes basket for you. My ex-husband would get mad about
the kids making a mess and me not cleaning it up fast enough. Dude, get off your
butt and help?

Here is my husband putting away the dishes that he washed after they dried.

The idea that house chores and child raising is a woman's job is so out dated.
That statement is for both sides of the sex argument. I've known men who
were Mr. Mom. I follow some Mr. Mom's on Facebook. I don't care if you have a 
job outside the home. You can freaking help out around your own house. You
can put your own clothes in the dirty clothes basket. You can pick up the toys
out of the living room floor while your spouse is cooking dinner. This argument
of it being a woman's job or the job of who doesn't work outside the home is
a tired excuse from the lazy.

I'm pretty OCD about things being where they belong. I swallow it a lot and for
as long as I can muster. I will always eventually reach my limit and flip my lid.
Usually this happens when I go to get something out of the cabinet and find that
someone hasn't been putting my dishes up correctly ;) The point is... Life happens.
Constantly. Every single day there are comings and goings. People get busy. In the
big picture it doesn't matter that your kids can't put their shoes up or that you
were too busy to vacuum.

We're pretty busy. My son plays baseball year round. My daughter is in the high 
school color guard. I'm involved in my sons school. I help out where needed with
the color guard. My husband works from home. There is a lot of in and out. A lot
of opening the door, throwing stuff down, and running back out the door. Throughout
the week we stick to little chores. It's a success if I manage to get the kids to 
get their crap into their bedroom floors instead of the living room floor. On a
nightly basis there are things that HAVE to be done. Things like the kitchen.

While talking with Mama about the kitchen she decided to call me a lucky bitch.
I love you too sweetheart ;) So here is the deal in my house. If I cook dinner in 
the kitchen then hubby cleans the kitchen. If hubby cooks in the kitchen then I
clean the kitchen. This becomes a wash if the hubby grills outside. He grills outside
he still cleans the kitchen. The teenager takes the trash the out every night.

We've lived in an apartment for the last ..5?....years. We just moved into a house,
so we don't have a washer and drier yet. Laundry gets done on the weekends. Aside
from that we spend part of a morning (if possible) over the weekend to catch up on
all of our chores that got put to the side during the week. So, I don't spend my days
running around cleaning up after a bunch of people who don't want to clean up after
themselves, no one says jack to me about a mess, and in the end...everyone helps out.

This is not limited to house chores. This goes double for helping out with the kids. You either had the fun in making them or willing stepped in after the fact. Either way it is both your jobs to fight the battle of homework, running them here or there, and monster hunting in the middle of the night. I know it's not that way in every household. I've been there. But by golly it should be. It's why I have a crush on Fodder. Not only is he an awesome husband/father he made himself a Facebook page to tell all the other daddy's about how to do it right. To show them what real daddy'ing is about.

Mama's right. I am a lucky bitch. Believe you me, I know it. I am thankful for it. And not a day goes by that I don't appreciate it.