A phone call from the school counselor.

Last week I sent an email to Tyler's main teacher and his Speech teacher. I told them about the event causing the email, but explained that most importantly that this represented an on going problem. I expressed my frustration in what I felt was six years of failed policies. How I felt that bullies get off and victims are left holding the bag. How time and again Tyler gets punished for being bullied while his tormentors go unchecked.

I went on to explain how then people are bewildered when high school students shoot up their schools or commit suicide. How they tell themselves that they had no idea the student was so unhappy or how bad things were for them. It starts HERE. Here in elementary school. We are teaching bullies that it's ok and we are telling the victims to keep their mouth shut.

Bullies even get the green light to physically assault someone, because if the student tries to defend themselves they will get in just as much trouble as the bully...if the bully gets in trouble at all. You can't even call them a bully, or call it bullying behavior. Why? Because it might hurt their feelings? So, I told them they really needed to re-evaluate their bully policies, because their system is clearly broken.

Due to the holiday I didn't fully expect a reply any time soon. Come Monday though... I figured I'd hear something. Well, I never did get an email back...from anyone. However, the email I sent to the teachers made it's rounds through the school. I don't know who all it went to, but I know the counselor got it from the principal. 

I got a call yesterday afternoon about two. My phone was in my room though so I missed the call. I didn't notice it until about 3:30. Too late to call back, so I called this morning and left her a message. She called back:

We talked quite a bit. She insisted that things were getting better with Tyler, but it would take time. Funny. She wasn't the counselor here until some time last year. She wasn't there for the two years the school was rejecting Tyler's two separate autism diagnosis'. She wasn't there when the school board came in and said he was, indeed, autistic. She wasn't there when they insisted that Tyler was SO high functioning that he'd be in and out of the program within months (it was the end of the school year and they expected to not have him back into the program come the new school year) and would suffer NO regression.  Now it will take time.

She threw out the one thing that makes me SO stinking mad for anyone to mention like it somehow makes EVERYTHING ok. He's such a happy kid. Every time I see him. He's smiling, and just...happy. Umm, that's his personality. He's happy with life, with himself, he's infectious, vibrant, and he just loves life and people. BUT as much as he likes to talk, talking to people about random things is not the same thing as sharing your inner most things with. He will NOT just walk up to anyone in that school and share those things with them. That's my job. That's our relationship. He uses me as a filter, of sorts.

I told her about two teachers who contradicted each other. One who said that oh Tyler loves to talk of course he'd come tell her if there was something wrong. Then the very next year his teacher admitted that yes Tyler loves to talk but that there was no way Tyler would share those things with anyone. That he'd tell me, and I would have to email them. I told her about how earlier this year Tyler had gotten upset in class because of something going on with other students and he demanded to call me. He was sent to the office. He was sent to the Nurse. The Nurse asked him why he HAD to call me. He then explained to her that he had autism and that talking to me just makes him feel better.

I didn't tell her about the whole conversation with the Nurse. Which included him explaining to her that I wouldn't come take him home like he'd like, but that I would tell him it was ok and such. He'd feel better. Then, he'd be ok. But, I told her for myself that I would handle it in just that way.

In some meeting, in some year, they all get to feeling the same... I had explained to the group that Tyler would not just come to you and tell you he was having a problem with a student. He wouldn't come to you and tell you he was having a specific problem with his work. I asked them that if they could just take a moment out of their day to ask him VERY specifically about his day, that it would go a long ways. Ask him if he's having any problems with another student. If you already know of a particular student he's been having trouble with then ask him specifically how things are going with that student. Ask him if there's anything about what you're teaching that he might be struggling with. Just, ASK him.

No one ever did. No one has time for such things. Tyler went back under the rug, and his problems went back to mounting.

I explained to the counselor how Tyler views his days as good or bad based on whether or not he had any trouble with a student that day. I told her how yesterday he came home and said it was a good day because nothing bad happened. She seemed surprised to me to hear that my little sunshine was basing the goodness of his day off these bad events with students. I told her that well, that's just the way he views his school life.

Then, without even knowing all my previous attempts at getting the school to be proactive in figuring out how things were going for Tyler at school, she asked.

What if I talked to Tyler every day to ask him how his day has been? What if I asked him if he'd be ok with letting me be that person for him? So that maybe he wouldn't come home and dump these things on you, and then I could help him start to process those things. Then maybe he wouldn't feel like his whole day was ruined.

:-O I would LOVE it if someone would take the time, it only takes a few minutes, to just talk to him. On a daily basis? He NEEDS that. He needs to be able to know that he has a designated time to sit down and tell someone about his problems. If you read yesterday's post, you'd have seen that this was exactly why Tyler didn't tell the teacher about the boy hitting him.

She said she'd talk to Tyler today and see if he'd be ok with it. Tyler will say yes, if for no other reason than to get the few minutes out of class ;) but I hope it proves useful to him, and I hope it isn't a novelty thing that comes and goes and gets discarded. I hope she asks him the right questions. I hope she sticks with it and forms a relationship with him that makes him feel like talking to her about those inner most things that you don't talk to anyone else about.

*crosses her fingers* Here's to helping the individual child and not trying to cram him into a box!

Stuck Between Rules and Bullying: Which rule to break?

Bullying. What more could possibly be said on this subject that hasn't already been said a million times? Bullying & Autism. Once again, what more could be said that hasn't been sung by the masses? Autism & Rules. Heh, that's the name of the game, isn't it?! But, what's it like? You know, for the autistic. To be in that moment. Stuck between autism, the rules, and bullying.

How frustrating it is, as the parent, to try to teach an autistic child coping skills, the proper way to respond to certain things, what to do about bullys... When, no matter what, there will be a factor that wasn't a part of any lesson. Go to the teacher. That's the first rule. No matter what, tell the teacher.

But....

So, at the beginning of the year Tyler had been having some issues with a particular student. As the weeks have passed on those things have seemed to abate. Then, a new student arrived and things have since climbed far beyond the previous issues with the first student. Most days there's something. It's because of that I refused to allow the school to take him on a three day trip away from home. Three days? Completely off his schedule? Locked in with the bullies? No place to run? Forget it!

Tyler stays after school three days a week for tutoring. It's offered to everyone and only certain students are required to go if they are struggling. I have Tyler going to help make up for any missed class time from him going to Speech. He goes to Speech to work on social and life skills. So, Tyler's tutoring is on a voluntary basis.

Last Monday there were some students hanging out in the classroom waiting for tutoring to start while the teacher escorted the rest of the class outside to be picked up by their parents. The new student that Tyler has been having all kinds of trouble with was in there. He began hitting Tyler. Anyone who knows Tyler knows he doesn't like to be touched, especially by other children, but this wasn't his first rodeo with a student attempting to physically hurt him.

Tyler, by no means, is a small child. He's a big boy. The kids who pick on him have no idea that it is his autism, and his autism alone, that saves them from getting the face pounding of their life. Tyler has always shown great restraint when it has come to kids laying their hands on him at school. Now, if this wasn't school, they may not be so lucky. May autism take mercy on the kid who ever finally evokes his fury.

True to Tyler's fashion, he said nothing to the teacher when she returned. I heard all about it after school. I sent an email that night. I didn't discover until later on in the day on Tuesday that I had apparently typed in the email address wrong (I didn't get a mailer demon back, that's why it took me 24 hours to realize it hadn't been received by the teacher.). I sent out another email knowing it would be far too late to do anything seeing as how the kids would be out of school until today.

Today at school Tyler got talked to by a lot of people. All telling him he needs to tell a teacher. First rule, remember? Insert the following conversation:

D - Tyler, is the reason why you didn't tell the teacher because you didn't know that's what you were suppose to do?
T - No.
D - Exactly. So, why didn't you tell her?
T - Because tutoring was about to start. And, that would have been "off task". You can still get marks in tutoring you know?!

See? Always some factor you didn't consider during your lesson. He didn't tell the teach because there was another rule stating that if you are "off task" you get in trouble. This issue would have derailed tutoring. How much more "off task" can you get? Well, guess I can't tell the teacher this kid hit me.

I've been sitting here thinking. Why can't they ever stop and think, just for a moment, about him having autism? How easy Tyler is to understand if you just educate yourself to what autism really is and then look at how it applies itself to him. They might actually be able to help him!

While thinking about what I think is wrong with the whole process I had myself a little light bulb moment. I always relate to Tyler. He is so much like me, but in a much more loud and vibrant kind of way. But, I identify with him. With all the rush a memory could muster, it dawned on me why Tyler behaved the way he did in this situation. And, many others like it.

Once, when I was in third grade, my class had gotten on my teachers last nerve. She demanded class room silence. She stated that unless you were bleeding or the sky was falling there wasn't to be another sound out of anyone. To put the period at the end of her very real statement she wrote it in big letters across the blackboard for anyone who was confused as to the times talking was now appropriate could refer back to.

NO TALKING UNLESS YOU ARE BLEEDING OR THE SKY IS FALLING!

I had bought myself one of those nifty pencils, at the "school store" (a little shop set up in the cafeteria) , that when the lead wore down you pulled it out, stuck it back into the top and a new, very sharp, piece would pop out. I sat there at my desk doing my work, ever so silently. The teacher then told us to get something out of our desk. With my pencil in my hand, my elbows bent, I began the process of going into my desk to get said item. That's when my neighbor bumped my elbow. Shoving my brand new, very sharp, pencil right into my leg.

I raised my hand.

Teacher - Are you bleeding?
Me - *looks at my leg* - *shakes head*
Teacher - Is the sky falling?
Me - *shakes head*
Teacher - Then no talking. Get back to work.

But, gosh, my leg did HURT. It wasn't bleeding though. There was a little ring around where the pencil went in, but the hole was sealed shut when the pencil broke off. But, it really does hurt.

*rinse and repeat the above conversation*

I don't recall now how many times we went through that. The rules stated I couldn't talk, but there was something seriously wrong. I was in mental agony as I tried to work out what I was supposed to do. I finally fell on the technicality of "sort of". I mean, there was a LITTLE blood, although I wasn't actually BLEEDING.

After making my "sort of" plea I was allotted a moment to explain myself. She was then absolutely flabbergasted as to why I didn't say something sooner. Umm, you said NO talking. Remember? Not unless we were bleeding or if the sky was falling. Remember? You said that. You even wrote it on the board so we wouldn't forget. How did you forget? Maybe I should have pointed to the board for her...

I know what it's like being stuck between two rules. Not wanting to break either. Not knowing which one to obey and which to disregard.

There are always factors that are unforeseen. On both sides. I just wish the school system was more willing to look with their eyes, instead of trying to make everyone fit into boxes that their book says they should fit in. Maybe then, they'd understand what it's like. Maybe after having that understanding they'd be able to help individual kids.

*shrugs* But what do I know. I'm just a parent...

Sarah, how could you be so heartless?

I've had something on my mind lately. When I say "lately" I mean, for a good while and consistently. Every time I think about getting around to saying it something happens in the personal life of someone I know that would brand me as insensitive if I were to say it. The truth of the matter is...no matter when I say it I am likely to be branded as insensitive.

Then, something else came across my mind and the two subjects kind of overlap from time to time. I figured I'd knock them both out at once. I'm going to be insensitive and sentimental all in the same post. Try to bear with me, as I am not quite sure yet how this will work out.

I've always been free of the burden of feeling "Aww, that's so sad..." I have also always been adaptable if nothing else. When going through hard times outsiders would be given no clues. I was an honor student with unfaltering grades. My moods were steady. And I never talked to anyone about what troubled me. Looking back at my youth the most emotion I think I ever showed anyone was when my grandmother was in the hospital dying and they refused to let me go see her. I was furious. But, when her funeral came I skipped and played at the graveyard.

Don't get me wrong, I miss her, it's just... We're all born dying. Death is promised to everyone and everything that lives. In fact, it really is the only promise you can count on. I go to funerals and everyone is always so sad. I can never figure out why and struggle to follow the social protocols to console them.

In my adult life I had a dog that died suddenly. He was young and I had many years left to be with him. I felt robbed. His breed can live up towards 17 years and yet he died at the ripe old age of 2. I had never lost a pet like that before. On top of that I had dumped every emotion I had about not being able to have another baby into that dog. When he died he took with him that baby I'd never have.

Since then I have become quite immuned to those feelings. It only ever takes me one time of going through something for my inner-self to develop some coping mechanism against it. This does bother me from time to time. I face something that I know is suppose to be sad, but I don't cry, I can't cry, and I wonder...does this make me heartless? The truth is, I'm always too sensible for most feelings.

Recently while driving down the highway I saw a car in the emergency lane, it was slightly sticking out into the next lane. We were in the next lane over. I expected the car that was in the lane between us and them to move over in front of us to go around the car that was partially sticking out into their lane. The car never moved. At the very last minute when you could no longer see space between the two cars the one in the lane next to us suddenly swerved and smashed their passenger side into the other car. It sent them across the highway. They slid down the passenger side of our car as my husband tried desperately to avoid them.

The entire time I stared out the passenger window, watching every moment of it unfold. I felt everything. And all I could do was scream as I envisioned what would be next. Afterall, I had been in an accident at these speeds before, and I was lucky to live through it. When we came to a stop I was a shaking mess. My husband ran back to check on the people who slammed into the other car. I became Miss Practical, again. There were things that needed to be done. I called 911, reported the accident, told them what happened, gave a description of where we were, and then waited for the cops to show up and talked to them once they were there.

I was the same way in my own accident. There were phone calls that needed to be made. Kids that needed arrangements made for them. I was very likely bleeding to death, but I had things I had to do before I could die. Always taking care of business...

I worry about my health. More than anyone knows. My husband and I talk to each other about everything. If you say something to me, he knows it. If you say something to him, I know it. That's just how we are. I don't burden him however with the things that plague my mind. Especially when it comes to my health. We're all born dying, remember.

My whole life has been plagued with health problems. I was born with an extremely rare blood disease that almost killed me within a week of being born. Then they discovered I had a heart condition. Then I had the most normal thing go wrong and had to have my tonsils removed. Then cancer. Cancer took up ten years of my life, and resulted in me having to have a hysterectomy. And because life wasn't throwing enough life or death curves at me, I rolled my car at about 75mph. I have a lot of family history of health problems. The odds aren't in my favor to die pleasantly in my sleep at an old age.

That doesn't bother me. I'm ok with dying. I've had a lot of experience with it. The other day I told my husband that I only wanted to live long enough that my Ex couldn't take Tyler away from him, and short enough that I wouldn't have to live a day without him. Let me tell you why.

I wish I could say that I don't want to live a single day longer than my husband because I'd be so devastated that I don't think I could go on. That I'd lay in bed day after day feeling like I couldn't breathe. That I'd cry until I stripped my face bare. But...what I fear most is, life would go on. I wouldn't cry. I'd be repulsed by people trying to hug and comfort me. I would most certainly be pained beyond belief on the inside, but on the outside...life would go on. What kind of monster wouldn't weep for the loss of their love?

The only redeeming factor I can find is the fact that my husband is the same way. Yesterday in a text he told me: "Keep in mind, we are all on borrowed time. Just because I don't have health problems doesn't mean I'll outlive you. Life is anything if unpredictable and thinking you know what the future will hold is almost certain to make you look foolish." I read that and thought, 'Ugh, why does he have to go and be all smart on me?!'

This brings me to my most recent thoughts. So often in life things happen and we think things like, "I gave him the best years of my life and...", "I've wasted the best years of my life..." or something similar. I too have thought such things. That I wish I had found my husband sooner. I wish I could have given him more of my better years, as if youth equates to better. Whereas I may have had better years if I had found him sooner, the truth be told that those years as they were are not my better years.

I have given him some of the best years of my life, and will continue to do so as time does what it does best, march on. These are the best years of my life, and I have saved them all for him. Life, come what may, I will do the best that I can with the time that we have. And if the day comes that I have to face a day without him, I hope I can do it with courage and without shame, because he never thought I was heartless. It's about time that I stopped thinking that I am.

A joyful sound to a joyful heart.

The Bells by Edgar Allan Poe

My husband and I celebrate our birthdays every year by going to Oktoberfest. My birthday is usually the week after and then his birthday is about two weeks after that. He gets to get some German beer that he says is quite tasty, I'll have to take his word for it, and I get to browse the tents set up by merchants who all hand make their items.

Tyler has always been gone that weekend so we usually go on Saturday and take Blonde Eyes with us. She get's her face painted and we eat some German food. This year Tyler was home, but we had spent Saturday at the zoo with him while Blonde Eyes was working. We decided for our date night that Blonde Eyes would babysit Tyler and we'd go to Oktoberfest alone. I always end up buying a piece of jewelry from the same vendor. I buy it because I like the particular stone he uses, and it's not something you see a lot of.

I'm not a jewelry person though. I have some. I just don't wear it. I wear my wedding rings, and that's about it. I sometimes think about putting on the necklace I got one year from Oktoberfest, but...it's not often. I have a selection of rings. I use to wear a watch religiously until I was in that car accident some years ago now. I have a watch, that I like, but once again I just don't wear it.

I'm just not that kind of girl I guess. The husband and I were talking about that this weekend. How I buy it because I feel like I'm suppose to because I'm a girl. What a silly reason to do anything, really. I didn't get me a piece from the same ole vendor this year, BUT I did get me another piece from a different vendor. One that hadn't ever been there before. This time, I got something not because I'm a girl so I'm suppose to buy jewelry, but because it spoke to me....

It was just a charm and there was a selection of chains you could get with it. I opted for just a black cord, that seemed more "me". The vendor had a wide selection of charms, for that was their nitch, but the charms were all in the shape of a bell. Each bell had a theme. There were daughter bells, friend bells, BEST friend bells, bells for your wife, bells for your girlfriend, and probably bells for the bells. There were smaller bells for children, and larger bells for adults. Each bell had it's own engraving that made it stand out from the other bells as well as the little piece inside that makes it ring was shaped as something that went with the theme.

My husband pointed one out to me. It was the only one that I read the accompanying poem for, it was the only one that I really noticed. I had looked at some of the others, but really only in passing. The way one does as they a walking by something. But this...

We walked on. We had almost reached the end of the vendor tents. The Hubs decided he'd go get himself something to drink. I told him that well I would finish walking the row of vendors, but that if I wasn't there when he got back I guessed I'd go back to the bells. I walked on by myself and I don't think I looked at anything. I didn't walk into a single tent. I walked to the end of the row and turned around, and began running back to the bells.

Running....as much as one could possibly manage to do so in a crowd as thick as the chunkiest stew ever. I quickly zipped in and out of people. Being so short I manage well in such situations. I over shot the bells, and had to re-orientate myself and backtrack. I walked up to the tent and immediately said "I want this one!"

I made my purchase, and she boxed everything up and put it in a bag. I turned my back and stood there in the crowd and began digging through it. The box the charm was in was nicely closed shut with a ribbon. Off it goes. It was sealed inside a little baggie within the box. Not anymore! I put the box back in the bag. I got out the cord and slipped the charm on the rope. I then put it on. I stood there relishing in my new lovely amid all the nasty smells that were bothering me, the crowd that was too much, but I had this new lovely, and that's where my husband found me. 

We talked about it as we left. We talked about how I don't wear jewelry, but how he thinks I'll wear this because it has meaning. I've yet to take it off. We talked about my silliness in the past about jewelry. I think those days will be behind us now. I don't fit in with my "peers" as is, jewelry won't change that.

As I cleaned on Sunday Blonde Eyes noted the jingling I was making. She assumed I didn't know it would do that. Umm, it's a bell. As I bent, causing the bell to hang freely, and moved about it chimed it's soft reminder. Blonde Eyes joked that they'd always know I was coming. That's fine, I don't mind. I reach up periodically to gently grasp the bell in my fingers and slowly spin it as I reflect on how much my life has been centered around it's theme, even before I ever realized it.

The bell is engraved with puzzle pieces and the inside piece is of someone sitting holding their knees. I don't view Autism as a bad thing. I don't view it as a curse. I don't think it's a disease or a disability (severely autistic aside). **Note** The reverse side of this bell does say cure autism, of which I have immediate plans to cover it up with enamel. It's a different way of being. A way that I like just fine.

We watched the X-men movie this weekend too. Mutant and Proud was the message. Autistic and Proud. I like that. Now when my bell chimes, I smile. I think of autism...and smile. 

Baby Cheetah's!

We got to meet some amazing creatures today. All their cuteness may be enough to rot your teeth out so be sure to brush your teeth. While you're trying to withstand the barrage of cuteness listen to the Keeper to learn lots of information about this critically endangered species. 

The debut of:

 Amani the Black Lab, Kamau & Winspear the cheetahs at the Dallas Zoo.

Tyler goes to Fifth Grade

Over the last week Tyler has been rather ho hummy about going back to school. This was a first for him. He's usually so excited to go back. Then as it neared even closer he began going back and forth between statements such as, "I think we need eight more years of summer" and "I'm ready!!" Last night he wasn't so ready again.

As he was getting into the shower he asked me to remind him to put deodorant on in the morning, because he knew I'd be up there singing in the morning. Traditionally my husband's mother would sing to him on the first day of school. We've adapted the tradition and sing to them every Monday morning.

School Days, School Days, WONDERFUL WONDERFUL, School Days, School Days. There's reading and writing and a-rith-me-tic. It's enough to make youuu SICKKKK!

Six am came mighty early for me this morning. Per usual I woke up in the middle of the night. WIDE awake. No going back to sleep. Also per usual, I was beginning to get tired again long about the time the alarm went off. The Hubs got up and went up stairs to get Blonde Eyes. He sang to her. She threw things at him. He continued singing.

I laid in bed till the alarm went off again fifteen minutes later. I found Tyler sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal. HEY! I thought I was suppose to come sing to you. WHY are you down here? He proclaimed that he just woke up early. Fine, Fine. Blonde Eyes announces that she is really too old to be sang to in such a fashion. *busts out my best obnoxious singing voice* Blonde Eyes took this as her queue to leave. Tyler sat patiently eating his cereal and listening to me. Tradition is tradition is tradition.

I had bought Tyler a lunch kit that came with 4 containers that hook together and an icepack that also connects to them. I prepacked Tyler's lunch last night. His left over chicken strips, baby carrots, baby tomatoes, mixed fruit (in juice NOT syrup). I got up this morning and put the ice pack in between the containers and grabbed him a juice pouch. Wrote him a note and stuck it inside his lunchbox. Tyler then asks what could he take for snack? 

M - What makes you think fifth graders get snacks?!
T - Well, I could take a snack and ask when we get there. If she says no... you could take it back.

So, I let him grab a bag of pretzels. He fills up his water bottle. I grabbed some of the special paper that they started having him write on last year.

Waiting for Grandma. It was REALLY bright outside. Tyler did NOT like facing the sun for this picture.

Tyler had insisted that he ALWAYS gets a ride the first day of school so Grandma came and picked us up. (For those who do not know, I do not drive and am perfectly fine walking.) I had told Tyler he could sit up front so he could chat with Grandma on the way to school. She told him since it was the first day of school, and with him having a game this afternoon that she decided to work from home. She offered to pick him up if he'd like. SCORE!! His dreams are all falling into place.

We get to his class, and his teacher is standing at the door with a cup of popsicle sticks. On them she has written the names of colleges that coincide with college stickers on the desks. This is her method of seating. Tyler picks the stick for South Alabama. This happens to have been the school the teacher went to. Which makes him elated until he notices other college options that he missed out on.

He sits his bag down on his chair and starts pulling out his stuff. He get's his coveted Trapper Keeper out. He begins telling a boy about his BRAND NEW JUST GOT IT SATURDAY backpack. The boy says, I'm just using the same one I used last year. Oh, that's sad. It's going to break... 

He finds the bag of pretzels and rushes over to ask if fifth graders still get to have snacks. He runs back hollering about snack and stuffs his pretzels in his desk. I showed the teacher the special paper and explained to her how Tyler has some real handwriting problems, and how to combat that he needs reminders to write neatly and slowly. Also this is some special paper they started having him use last year that I will leave with him but they said you can just get it from the handwriting specialist. She said awesome and that she would pass that info along to his Language Arts teacher.

We get his box of supplies that we ordered from the school and set them on his desk. Tyler then asks the teacher if he opens it now or later. She told him that they would open them after specials so for now just set the supplies on your desk. 

Specials? Specials? When are we going to specials? 
8:50. 
EIGHT FIFTY?!?! REALLLYY?! 
Yup. 
What special do we have today? 
We have... *turns and points to a specials schedule on the wall* 
P.E.?!?! First day of school and we have P.E.?!

At this moment I am quite certain that the Heavens have opened up and have poured their blessings down upon Tyler. You could almost see the artificial lighting honing in to encircle him in an exclamation of the universe coming together JUST for him. I think it's safe to say that today, at the very least, will be ok for him.

Tyler & his primary teacher. By the way, he likes her because she's probably the tallest teacher in the school.

Dancing the Cha Cha of Summertime Regression.

Several years ago when I first got the school to finally accept Tyler's autism classification, and they placed him into the special education program so he could receive social services, they told me they didn't expect him to need services for long as well as expected little to no regression during the summer months. They were still looking at Tyler with their eyes closed. Now they don't even mention such things. Summer months aren't viewed as their problem. Which, one would think, that with just a single brain cell firing off that you'd be able to realize the correlation between regression in the summer months and the child you will HAVE to deal with when school starts again.

Too high functioning to regress? I don't think so. Tyler is high functioning, BUT he is also not as high functioning as people on the outside looking in think he is. Regardless, there is no such thing as being so high functioning that regression isn't possible. Regression happens all the time. And only those who care notice. Or those oblivious strangers who look at you like they want to know WHY you're a parent because clearly you suck at it.

What is regression? Regression is the ultimate two steps forward three steps back. It's the dance between advancement and going nowhere. It's all the hard labors of the dedicated being thrown to the winds. It's everything that every caretaker of someone with any kind of special need fears. For all that hard work, now gone, there is even harder work to do to get back on track.

What causes regression? Anything can cause regression. Most noticeably, in this instance, it is the change of their schedule. Whether they like their schedule or not, which at some point the maturity of those who need a schedule come to love their schedule, their schedule has been fine tuned to fit their needs. The schedule makers have taken much time in listening to the person, both their communication and the things left unsaid that can only be heard through trial and error. We fine tune it constantly. As they grow and their needs change, as their personality changes, as they learn to adapt to things on their own. The schedule evolves. However, there are things like school that takes place for most of the year, and then suddenly it's gone. Throw in other various changes that take place during the summer months and you're just asking for regression to pay you a visit.

Tyler is the product of divorce. Change surrounds him. Prolonged exposure to a different environment where the sounds, smells, rules, and everything in between are different. He's completely happy visiting, but he's not a pro self advocate yet. He hasn't learned entirely how to listen to what his body is telling him. He doesn't know what it means. He can't yet associate the cause to the effect.

What does regression look like? It's different for all, but for Tyler it looks like more verbal stimming than usual, less use of words, talking even louder than usual, above and beyond the normal sensitives, and a zero tolerance policy of  laughing or joking around. After being gone for two weeks Tyler came home. We did all kinds of things with him since he hadn't been around and also because it was his birthday weekend. We went to a special event at the zoo. We'd ask him, Tyler, do you want to go here or here, and he'd just turn around and walk in the direction of one of them. Tyler hadn't been so wandery and verbally non responsive since kindergarten maybe first grade. 

He wanted me to cut his hair, Tyler cannot stand for his hair to touch his face...especially around the ears. He cried while I cut his hair. He complained about the noise and the vibrating of the clippers. He would cry out OWE!! and then sob uncontrollably. I finally had to stop and tell him there was no way I could cut his hair like this. He insisted that I had to cut his hair. He wrangled it in, but he continued to softly cry and complain. I can't tell you when Tyler was last like this. It's been so long.

At baseball practice they were running some laps. Tyler hadn't been there since they had started working on this so he wasn't conditioned like the other kids were and it was different than what he expected. He wasn't very happy with the situation. He struggled with it. It's a good team though, and the children and coaches alike all support each other. One of the coaches forgot that Tyler doesn't like for people to touch him, especially from behind and touching him on the back, back of the neck, and the shoulder area. He came up behind Tyler and patted him on the back and tried to give him some encouragement. Typically Tyler would have just shrugged himself from under the persons hand and not said anything. This time however, Tyler shrugged himself loose of the mans hand and began screaming.

Tyler left for another week, and has since come back home. He'll now be able to get settled back into his schedule as we prepare to go back to school. Since he has been back he makes all kinds of verbal stims. Odd noises and strange combinations of letter sounds. Very repetitive. If someone laughs he mutters in a very dark tone, It's not funny. The usual literalness has become extreme. There are no allowances.

 What can be done about regression? All that you can do is keep going. Put things back to what passes for normal. Hold tight. The waters will be stormy, but all storms pass in time. Day by day Tyler is calming down. Just a few more weeks and school will start. Once that happens, all the fighting with school will start again, but Tyler's routine will be complete.

Why don't others understand? Quite simply, it's not their life. You can't fault them for not having to live the life of autism, or any other special need. Some of it with some people is willful ignorance. They don't want to know. Others likely believe it's not as bad as you think it is. Regardless, it's not their life. They have no desire to walk in your shoes. Can you really blame them for that? Most people don't sign up for this life because of the great perks that come with the job. I am ok with the job solely because I recognize myself in Tyler. But anyone who doesn't have to live with a special needs child 24/7.... One can't blame them for not getting it. It's hard and complicated, it takes that 24/7 status to even have a chance at understanding your child. And like in most things, many people like the easy button.

Change the beat of the dance. Regression is always possible. No matter how high functioning. No matter how old. Regression is regression and it is always in the wings waiting. Two steps forward and three steps back? Add in another step. Two steps forward, three steps back, four steps forward, cha cha cha. Hope is never lost for good unless you lose it and then don't even bother looking for it. Regression can be heartbreaking. However, if you lose hope there will be no one to lead your child back. YOU are your child's dance partner. It is YOUR job to lead them in this dance. Teach them the steps, until they are capable of dancing on their own.

Social Hangover

Most people have been drunk. At least once. And if you haven't it really shouldn't be hard to picture how it feels. You undoubtedly have seen someone stumbling about, completely a mess, and barely coherent. Surely you've looked at them and thought something along the lines of, 'I can't imagine WHY they do that to themselves, it can't feel pleasant!'

Yet the person does it again. Undoubtedly during the drinking process things are wonderful. They're having fun. Perhaps it doesn't even occur to them until MUCH later, if at all, that they have had too much. The morning after comes and suddenly it lays in like a freight train. The thought, 'WHAT was I thinking?!' sets in. Nausea comes in waves. The pressure builds in your head. Your butt drags and all you want is to go back to bed, and STAY there.

This last year I have been in more social situations than what I have cared for. Granted, just like someone who has had too much to drink, there are some social situations I put myself in willingly and for the most part enjoy. But, I live a quiet life. I spend most of my time at home. Just the way I like it. Even when I go out in public I have an extreme sense of self that guards me from the general public. As long as nothing is going on we tend to eat dinner with The Grandparents every Sunday. And since January my MIL and I usually go to Yoga twice a week together. That is my usual allotment for socialness.

Tyler's in baseball though. This season he is trying out a more competitive league which means more practices. Four times a week. Blonde Eyes is in Color Guard and I have a huge position on the Band Board. Band Camp starts next week. The past several weekends family has come in from out of town. My life has been, busy. Granted right now most of those I come in contact with I like. I have a way of refusing to go around people I don't like. But, just like someone who was having fun throwing back a few drinks, the morning after isn't always so pleasant. 

The past few weeks I have felt tired. Run down. I keep a headache. I have a nervous stomach, which really just means anytime something is off with me it goes to my stomach and makes me feel sick. Then it hit me. This has been happening in cycles. I end up spending several days nursing myself back together, and then get back at it with all the busy socialness, and then wham back to the beginning of the cycle. I've been getting socially drunk and having social hangovers.

I'm a big girl. I can figure out my needs, and then make sure they're met. I just need to step back some. I can't do things almost every single day. I can't be around tons of people. One on one on occasion, ok. A couple of people here and there of whom I am well acquainted, fine. Large groups, noisy places, and go go go go, is turning out to be a big no no no no.

Then, I look at Tyler. He's not so able to express his needs or good at explaining what's wrong with him. Often times, he doesn't even know what's wrong all he knows is SOMETHING is wrong. It is then my job to play connect the dots between what has been going on and how he is responding. I deduce that X is causing over stimulus and remove it. TA DAH! I fixed the issue. So, likewise, I must do the same for myself.

Often throughout the community people want to socialize their child. I  get it. I do. BUT, please do so with sensitivity and caution. Understand that all that socialness doesn't come easy to the autistic. And, just like alcohol, it should be taken in moderation. Also keeping in mind that a sufficient amount of recovery time will be needed between social events to safe-keep them from burnout. Only you will be able to judge by the signals your child gives you how much time they need. 

Although I do not personally see a problem with living a quiet life with little to no social interactions outside of a few people, I do know that amongst  the NT community that social behavior is desirable.  Also, I find that online, texting, and any other non verbal communications with people to be far easier as well as more enjoyable.

Don't write me off. Don't think I don't want to talk to you. Message me. I'll chat with you. But also keep these forms of non verbal social means in mind with your kid/s.

I hope this adequately explains to you what it's like to be socially over stimulated. I hope you understand me more. I hope you have been given an insight to the world your child lives in. And if all this does is leave you with questions, feel free to inbox them to me! :) 

Despicable Me 2 - Pre-Screening

I first off want to thank Despicable Me's Facebook page for posting the offer for free pre-screening tickets. I totally wasn't expecting that, randomly saw the post, and despite a VERY slow website server I managed to come out with 4 tickets. However, they give away more tickets than there are seats for just in case people don't show. HA! Good luck with that for this movie!

Tyler is spending the week with the grandparents and going to camp so we had to wait for him to get out of camp and eat dinner before we could head out. The movie started at 7:30 and we got Tyler at 6.  Almost the whole way there all Tyler would say was BEE DO BEE DO BEE DO... We had to tell him multiple times to stop. He would then forget and start again. He most certainly drove everyone crazy. 

The tickets advised to show up early. We got there an hour early. Got our reservations checked and were assigned a numbered wrist band. We got in and the only 4 seats together we could find were in the very first row on the end. I had the worst seat EVER. I was sitting on the very end and had to spend the whole time with my head tilted up and at an angle. I could actually see the multiple layers of video that makes up a 3D movie. No wonder typically no one sits down there!

After getting out seats Tyler and I ran back to get drinks and popcorn. On our way out there was a HUGE line of people just standing out there and the lady who checked us in was explaining to a little girl that there were only 266 seats, and they couldn't help that. The number on my wrist band was 259. o.O We clearly BARELY made it. Got back to our seats to find that someone had tried to steal my seat. Free pre-screening = serious business.

**There will be NO spoilers**

If you are interested in seeing Despicable Me 2 then you almost positively saw the first one. That means you know that the main character is Gru. He's a villain who had a change of heart after adopting three orphans. Between then and now it's just been Gru and the 3 girls.

As you have seen in commercials for the new movie Gru gets approached by the Anti Villain League. Since he use to be a villain they think he may be able to help them figure out their latest mission, because they have been unable to solve it on their own. Gru at first refuses because he's a new man now. He's a dad. He has to get home to his girls. The girls are really the driving force for him in the whole movie. Gru is definitely, first and foremost, a dad.

What does being a single dad mean? It means that you are bound to have at least one crazy female in your life who thinks you need to be set up on a date. With anyone and everyone. Not to mention that he gets partnered up with Lucy Wilde, the girl you've seen in the commercials kidnapping him. With all these women around it's inevitable that little Agnes admits that she's been dreaming of having a mother. Gee, no pressure Gru!

The minions. They're the whole movie right? They bring immature humor to the movie. Not overly done though. It's more like fart sprinkles vs fart icing. The minions really are quite funny.

This clearly wasn't a special needs friendly event, but Tyler enjoyed it. He actually prefers to NOT see movies in 3D. He didn't like his seat, but he decided his seat was better than no seat at all. He loved the movie and laughed hysterically throughout. As we were leaving he was screaming about how AWESOME it was so a man outside the theatre door asked him what his favorite part was. BEE DO BEE DO BEE DO... o.O Oh my gosh... The man busted out laughing. We get out to the parking lot and a man and a woman were walking to their car, with NO children, and the man starts BEE DO BEE DO BEE DO.... Tyler's all SEE an adult is doing it too! Shoot me now! We are NOT driving back listening to more of that.

Returned my little one to the grandparents, and all ended well. My blog last week was about the negative view society takes on nontraditional families. If you read it or if you just follow my page, you know that I have a soft spot for such families. This movie is all about that and more. Sure, the kids won't likely see it that way. They may only be there for the BEE DO BEE DO, but the message is there. This movie was funny and a family must see.

Nurture vs Nature: What makes a parent and who gets the credit?

What does it mean to be a dad? Is it the person who beds a woman to create the child? Is that all it takes? Now, don't take me wrong. I don't mean to down play the role of the biological dad. However, I feel there is a complete under appreciation for the "step" dad. Everything is always on a case by case situation to me. Some biological dads are awesome, some are not. Some "step" dads don't get themselves involved in their "step" children's lives, but then others merge themselves so seamlessly that the line is blurred.

I look at my husband, for example, whom is head deep in everything. He's there for IEP meetings, teacher meetings, doctor visits, baseball games, and Color Guard competitions. Bed time stories, showers, tucking in rituals, and good morning songs. Cuddles on the couch, trips to the zoo/aquarium/sporting events..., and fairs. School lunches, field trips, alien killing, and driving lessons. The immersion level is deep, and the line between biological and "step" so blurred that most can't even tell.

Even my ex-husband refer's to a "step" dad as his dad, because he was the one who was there. He was the one setting the examples and inspiring him along the way. So, what absolutely kills me is when people say things like "I respect his role as the step-dad." What does that even mean? Would you say something like "I respect their role as the adoptive parent."? If a child were being raised by an Aunt and Uncle with minimal contact from their biological parents would you say "I respect their role as the child's Aunt."?

What is it about children that make people live through them? They take the child's every achievement and make it their own. "Oh yeah, look at what my child is doing. Doesn't that make me so awesome because I am genetically connected to them?!" It's because of this line of thinking that people don't generally let anyone but the biological parents take credit for anything. My genes make up 50% of who Tyler genetically is. Does that mean I am 50% responsible for him being good at baseball? Shoot no. He's good at baseball because him and his non biological dad play almost every single day. Sure he's got some natural skill, but there is no "baseball gene" in the genetic coding that gets passed on, and some natural skill gets you nowhere if you don't have someone to show you the right way to use it.

And if genes are so important than my daughter should be MAD. She's the child of a genius yet she totally got the short stick. So, clearly, biological isn't everything.

So, why is it that as a society we can't let go of this biological link? Why is it that we can't stop thinking that it trumps all else. On an individual scale people do it all the time. I know several girls who their dad isn't their biological dad, and they are the most "daddy's girl" of girls I've ever seen. But, society looking in would go, "Oh, you're not biological, so I respect his role as the step-dad." o.O Seriously? 

I know two women who are raising a "step" child/ren. They mother those kids every single day. Everything I do for my kids, they do for theirs. I could only imagine the heartbreak they would suffer if someone said to them, "I respect your role as their step-mother." Why can it not be, "You are doing an AMAZING job mothering them." or "You are doing a great job raising them." or Heaven forbid "Look at how well they are doing with what you've taught them."?

Likewise, I know of other step-parents who do bare minimal with their newly found children.  It should also be stated that in some relationships it is not desired, by the resident biological parent, for the incoming parent to get themselves involved. It is not always the case though, and it should not ever be presumed that it is. Just as it should not always be presumed that all biological parents are actively involved just because they are biological or assumed they are not involved simply because they are not the primary care giver of the child. Point being, unless you know the individual case on a deep personal level don't assume you know the way it is.

What is everyone afraid of? Offending the importance of the one providing the DNA? So, it's better to offend the one providing the day in and day out care? Why can the one who is there not receive any credit without the other being offended? Why must the biological parent take all the credit for the hard work of the "step" parent just so the biological one doesn't get upset?

Here is something I was saying to Tyler the other day to explain something else but it fits very well here. Look at it like this: Let's say you were doing a project with someone at school (or work) and when it was all done your partner went around and told everyone they did all the work and everyone praised them for it. You wouldn't like it. It wouldn't make you feel good. Anddd it's wrong. This is no different. In fact this is the exact same thing, just on a much larger scale.

"Oh, look at the way your boy threw that ball! *pats on back* Good job on having sex with your ex-wife on that one!"

Like I said, don't take this wrong. My ex is a super hero in the eyes of my son. But why is it that the man who is with him every single day isn't allowed to be too? Why must his importance be belittled so that my ex's role can be up lifted? Be it my ex or anyone else doing the belittling. 

I relish the things Tyler says about my husband. He gushes at how fast my husband can run. Tyler use to ride his bike along side my husband as he jogged and then they would race. He was always amazed by him. Tyler has always been fascinated by my husbands hitting and pitching. Tyler has thanked him for the gift of baseball. Even stating that he knew that without him he wouldn't have baseball.

What do I want people to get out of reading this? Don't discount the importance of a "step" parent. Specifically in the case where that "step" parent is there more often than the biological parent due to the child's living situation. Don't assume that just because someone is a biological parent that they are somehow valued more than another care giver. Likewise, if you are a biological parent don't belittle the role the other parent is playing. This isn't a matter of being replaced. Check your pride at the door. I assure you there is more than enough love and admiration in a child's heart to go around. 

As a society we need to move away from this thought process of  biological parent > any other parent type.

Dear Ex-Husband

Something has been on my mind. So I want to sit down and work it out. It's about my son and it's about my ex-husband. Whenever I sit down to talk to The X though he just always nods and says ok and leaves me feeling like he didn't hear anything I had to say.

So, I'm going to say what's on my mind. Work through it here. Maybe he'll read it. Maybe he'll understand. Or maybe it will just be one more reason to hate me. *shrugs* I'm just tired. I'm tired of the fighting. I'm tired of the childishness. I just want the very best for my son. I want him to have his needs met. His very personal and special needs met. I want him to be happy. So, here it is...


Dear Ex-Husband,

        We didn't have the greatest relationship. Our marriage could have been better, but honestly we just weren't right for each other. You knew it, but I just wanted that white picket fence dream too much. It was hard for either of us to do the right thing by one another when deep down neither of us wanted to be there. Believe it or not I hold no ill feelings towards you for any of it. Sure, I think you're a jerk, but I wouldn't dream of telling Tyler that. When I say I wish you no harm and nothing but happiness I mean it.

      You see, I finally got it right. I found someone who is just like me. He's good to me. He's good to the kids. Those kids are his life. I have terrible thoughts that if I were to die before Tyler was grown...would you strip Tyler from his life? I hope you wouldn't possibly be that cruel. He's dedicated every ounce of who he is to support me in my efforts in making sure that Tyler has everything that he needs. He's helping him on a daily basis. Teaching him how to be a man. Showing him what's right. And he can teach him, far better than you could ever possibly manage, how to live with Autism.

     I know I don't include you in on a lot. Over the years I've figured you just didn't care. There have been times I've tried to explain things to you, and just felt like I was wasting my breath. Do you want to know about the battles I fight at school for him? Do you want to know about the details of his "disorder" and what that really means for him? Do you want to be more included? I'd be happy to change the way things are currently done between you and I. Right now I feel like the only thing we've learned how to do is work around yours, mine, and Tyler's schedules.  But this is what I need first:

    First, please understand that this isn't a knock to you. I am not trying to proclaim that you are a bad parent, that you don't know your son, or anything of the nature. What I am trying to say is, I spend every single day with him. I am the one dealing with the school, his doctors, and the various other people in his life. I am the one dealing with his needs on a daily basis. I know intimately what works for him and what doesn't. I know the difference between what he WANTS and what he NEEDS. I know how much, of what, he can take before he eventually breaks down, and that breakdown isn't always connected to what was going on RIGHT before it happened. It's almost always a build up. He holds on to things until he can't take anymore or he feels safe enough to let it go.

     All I want (in regards to me) is for you to be able to say, "This should be ran by Sarah, because she would be a better judge as to how this would impact Tyler." Don't look at anything I say as me telling you how to live your life. I honestly don't care what you do with your time. All I care about is Tyler being set up to succeed. In order for that to happen he has to constantly be given the best set up possible every time due to his special needs. So, when I tell you that he needs to go to bed at a certain time, I am not trying to ruin your evening. I am merely trying to set the stage for Tyler to wake up in the morning ready for anything.

    I want you to stop viewing my husband as someone to compete with. Tyler loves you both. You both have your place in his life. Instead of telling Tyler things like you're stronger than he is and that he is just so weak, why not say something along the lines of, "Hey, how has Jason taught you to do this? Let's stick with that!" You don't have to build my husband up in Tyler's eyes, but you don't need to tear him down either. But you could help us out a whole lot by just being consistent with us. Which is the number one thing Tyler needs. Things get really confusing for him easily. And even if you couldn't bring yourself to say it to my husband would it hurt you to say to yourself, "He does a good job with my boy when I can't be there, and I'm thankful for that."

    As Tyler ages things are constantly changing. What worked for him two months ago no longer does. What applied then, doesn't now. Whereas all of that could be true for any child, it is especially true given the nature of his "disorders". He needs us. ALL of us. The fight ahead of him will be long. When he becomes a teenager his struggles will not go away. If you want to be apart of the good stuff you have to be willing to be apart of the hard stuff. It's the only way I'd be willing to share more. So, if you want to join Team Tyler just let me know, but I will not set you up to become a road block for me.

   I don't want to be friends. I don't care who you date. I don't even know your new girlfriends name....don't care. I don't care about their kids, just that they're nice to Tyler. I don't care what you do when Tyler isn't there. I for the most part don't care what you do when he is there. I honestly, just don't care about 95% of anything to do with you. I care about a few things that connect back to Tyler, and that's it. Really though, I'd love it if you'd just ASK me about stuff. ASK me how things have been going for him in school. ASK me if he's developed any new quirks. Just don't sit there and hide behind the good ole "I figured you'd tell me" crap line.

   But, you know, if this isn't you. If you're not interested. Don't feel pressured. I don't really care. I can keep operating under the current parameters. Do keep in mind though, that what I do is only to keep you from being a road block or from enjoying the spoils of my hard labor. 


So, there you have it. I'm not sure if I got everything out, but hopefully I got enough out that I can move on without thinking about it anymore. Who knows how it will be taken if he reads it. Who knows how anyone else will take it. It just is what it is. Maybe all that not caring makes me a bad person, but....I don't care. I didn't have a good working marriage with this man, but that doesn't mean that we can't have a good working parenting relationship with each other. Well, unless it's not wanted.

The Zoo AKA Over Stimulation Central

Tyler asked to go to the zoo over the weekend, and after a week long shut in (Spring Break) I felt this was a very reasonable request. Ah, the zoo. An old friend of mine. We keep a membership here. The membership is fairly cheap and you can't beat the value. Want to do something but don't have the money for it? Let's go to the zoo!

Back when Tyler was in Kindergarten it was a trip to the zoo that really brought home to me that something wasn't quite right with Tyler. And this wasn't ADHD. I had NO idea what that meant, but something had to change. Knowing everything that I do now about Autism I can honestly say that Tyler has been Autistic since the day he was born. But then, I didn't know a single thing about Autism or the spectrum that encircled it.

We always like to go to the zoo RIGHT at opening time. Not for good parking, not even to beat the heat, but to beat the people. Then, just as it starts warming up and the people are all flooding in...we're just about done and on our way out. Tyler has always been a "leader". He walks in front...and he walks fast. Although one might worry about losing him, Tyler has also always been the kind that you shouldn't worry about losing because he wouldn't allow it. There had been more than one occasion where I couldn't SEE Tyler, but he knew right where I was at all times and came back. Not that this helps you not feel all panicky inside.

So on this day as the day went on more and more people showed up and I had to keep reminding Tyler to slow down and to stay close. I hadn't yet figured out that my repeating words only added to his issues. Finally, my worry of the crowd swallowing him lead me to the ultimate no-no. I reached up and touched him on the back of the shoulder/neck in an attempt to make him stop. He instantly threw himself down on the sidewalk screaming incoherently.  I have seen myself MANY tantrums. This was no tantrum. I had no idea what it was, but he wasn't trying to get something out of me and this wasn't ADHD.

As a side note: It would be another year before someone introduced me to the A word.

Here lately there has been a lot of talk how our kids have grown up seemingly out of nowhere. I have a picture on my desk of the whole family from a few years back. The other day my husband picked it up and was talking about how this picture didn't seem like it was from so long ago, but yet the the baby in the kids faces is now gone that was very present in that picture. One can't help but notice the shapely young lady that Blonde Eyes has become. Tyler is now a smidge taller than me. I have no doubt that soon the genes he got from my ex-husband will have him towering over me. Where has time gone, and where is it continuing to go?

This week at the zoo Tyler still manned the front. Although my husband was very quick to point out that he has slowed down. This isn't a race anymore. I've noted before that Tyler lingers now at places, and it was no different at the zoo. He walks ahead, and then stops, and stays. At one point we even moved on before he did. Tyler came up behind us and said, "Hey! I turned around and you guys were gone!" I didn't see him and assumed he had moved on, but apparently he had just moved over and became hidden by other people. Oops.

There is a tunnel that you walk through to get from one side of the zoo to another. Tyler was talking to me as we walked and then he got bothered by all the other people not talking, but yelling in the tunnel and causing horrible echos. He said, "You know, I'm just going to stop talking until we get out of here." I told him I understood, and about the echos. So he asked everyone else in our group to please stop talking and adding to the echos until we got out. Blonde Eyes of course kept talking, but Tyler stayed true to his word and stopped. 

At a later point Tyler had moved off away from the crowd and told me that he was staying away from all the people. I couldn't help but be proud of him for constantly being aware of himself and his needs and then doing something about it. When did this happen?  When he had enough and wanted to go home he said so. I had even thrown out about going to the aquarium since it wasn't far, but he was done. 

On one hand that day at the zoo with him laying on the ground screaming seems not THAT far gone, but yet it also feels like it was in another life. Tyler is almost 11 now. He still can't adjust his own bath water, but he's learning self awareness. He's learning his triggers. He's learning how to cope. And really...isn't that we all want for our kids?

Dear Children: A mother's only wish for her kids.

I spend a lot of time with my kids these days in the school environment. I chaperon the parties and the field trips. These days I spend a lot of time with my teenage daughter and her peers as they travel for competitions. This weekend has really opened my eyes as a parent as to what it is that I want for my kids. Only one thing. Let me tell you about it.

When I was a kid I was not socially dependent on my peers. I did not obey any of the social laws that bind the school yard. I was able to talk to the boys that the girls wanted to date, because I had no interest in dating them. I was pleasant enough that anyone from any social group felt that I was approachable.  The only people who didn't like me were those at the top of the social ladder, and well, I didn't care.

I grew up in a hostile environment. It was hostile on many levels, and often there were hard decisions that had to be made. Countless times I was left picking the better of two pretty crappy choices. BUT, there was something I knew, even then, that was going to save me. They could have my body. They could bend it, break it, leave it for dead if they so like. BUT they could not have ME.

I was defiant in that manner. I was untouchable. At least, in the sense that mattered to me. I was locked away in a place that no one could ever reach me. Any physical abuse left little to no scaring. Verbal or emotional only left behind some bad habits I taught myself for self defense. Unlearning those habits took time and patience on my husband's part, and perhaps he developed a little tougher skin.

My kids are socially awkward. Tyler having the mark of Autism is buzzing about like a very annoying bee. Mostly Tyler doesn't really care about being WITH people as much as he just hates being ALONE. Hope on the other hand is a very odd creature. She's VERY much dependent on her social peers. Social circles guide her like a daily newspaper horoscope. Yet, at the same time it's not so pressing that she worries about the clothes she wears or if she's brushed her hair. She also lives in two worlds at once. Reality and her make believe universe constantly overlap and get tangled in a mess together. She often can't tell the two apart, giving her false memories, and this has had numerous effects on her socially.

This weekend, while traveling with the teenager for a competition, I had a very interesting text message conversation with Tyler that really drove my wish home for me. As part of the team I have to sit on one side of the gym with the other teams. Regular spectators sit on the other side. The hubs, Tyler, and the grandparents came to watch Blonde Eyes perform. I went over during a break to say hello to them. Tyler wanted to come back and sit with me. This had nothing to do with me. It was all about wanting something he couldn't have. Which was sitting on the other side. I returned to my seat...alone.

I sat in my seat and watched the performances and read my book while they switched out or as a performance lost my interest. Tyler began texting me.

Mom, why are you sitting all alone?

Because, no one likes me :) Oh well, their loss!

But Mom, you're all alone.

I'm never alone. I have me! What more do I need?

This was more a testament to Tyler's own fears of being alone than him not wanting me to be alone, but I suppose if you didn't know any better it would seem very sweet on his part.

But this is my wish:

Dear Children,

   If I could wish upon you one gift. Only one. That would bless you in a way as to serve you well your whole life through, I would not wish upon you wealth or even health but SELF. To know who you are, to be comfortable in your skin, to love you, and to be able to let the dirt roll off that those whom don't matter will throw at you. No tool in this world will be as handy. No weapon will defend you more. Drape it over you as a suit of fine armor. The great people of this world are called to stand alone. Be ready. Stand tall. And just be YOU.

IEP: Round 4. AKA: I think I just fell through the rabbit hole...

Here's a quick summation of the last few years (just to get anyone up to speed who doesn't know the story).

Year 1: Is he medicated? We can try doing some minor in class modifications.

Year 2: Doctor said the A word and we should test him? He doesn't have the A word...

Year 3: A different doctor diagnosed him with the A word? He doesn't have the A word. We can test him ourselves....you know, to prove you wrong, if you'd like :)

End of year 3: Oh, the district says he has the A word and we got told we shouldn't have said what we did...here let's throw some social training classes at you and bail on this meeting so we don't have to acknowledge that we were wrong.

This year, leading up to today, there have been some high's and some low's. He has two teachers whom are both very sweet and do what they can with what is in the boundaries of their ability. They have both worked with me as much as they could. BUT there are just too many strings and bottom lines involved these days. There comes a point where your teacher can't do anymore. They have to hold your child to the standard that the papers they've been handed say to.

Don't get me wrong. I find that very frustrating. Why can't you say that my child has an ASD and X behavior is systematic of an ASD so therefore I must change how things are done for this person? As frustrating as it is, in the end as a parent you have to accept that your teacher (more than likely) is not willfully working against you. The only way to solve the BIG problems, is in an IEP meeting.

Despite a few heated conversations between Tyler's primary teacher and I, I am glad she knows that I do not hold any issue with her. She has been very gracious within the parameters that she has been given. Tyler isn't exactly an easy student. As frustrating as it can be to be his mother, I can only imagine trying to get 20 kids to learn a bunch of things on a daily basis with a Tyler constantly in your face.

So, it's off to the IEP to look for the tools the teachers need to get the most out of him. It's time to throw down what it is that I think he needs. It's time to lay it out what Tyler himself says he needs.

I had a couple of conversations with his speech pathologist who administers his speech minutes. I told her my issue with the rushed meeting last year. I told her my concerns for Tyler this year and for moving forward. She apologized for the way things turned out last year, and that she didn't know why Tyler didn't have certain things in place that are typical for someone with an autism coding. BUT, she promised to fix it. She promised ALL of my concerns would be brought up and gone over.

I wasn't about to hold my breath though. I was preparing for war. Experience had taught me that things would not be awarded just for showing up. I went through every paper ever brought home this past year. I picked out prime examples of each point I wanted to go over. I organized them in a folder so I could step by step go through the issues.

I made sure my voice recorder app was handy so I could record this meeting. My main plan there was to curb any snarkiness that I had received in the past. I had notes written on my tablet. I brought highlighters and a pen. 

I sat at my desk this morning giving everything a last once over. Going over things in my mind. I had to win this. Tyler was counting on me. As I made my last preparations I looked out my window at the steady fall of rain. It was dark and gloomy. It seemed to be spelling out the fate of this IEP meeting before it even started.

As time neared I finished getting ready. By the time I opened the door I was taken back by the bright sunlight that landed on my face. Was I not doomed? Were things REALLY going to be better? I decided on my way to the car that I couldn't firmly plant my hopes yet. It was still far too soon to be declaring victory.

We arrived ten minutes early. We sat down to wait it out. They were in another meeting. Of course. Was it going to be another replay of last year? Were they going to come out late and say sorry but we have another meeting going on still...do we HAVE to be here for yours?

Our time came and we started heading back to where our meeting was going to be held. Everyone apologized for the few minutes delay. You know how these meetings go. A team, usually of 5 or more people, sit on one side of a table and you sit on the otherside. Hopefully not alone. Maybe, if you're lucky, you've got a spouse or friend there for moral support. Many are stuck there alone. Feeling small. Being starred down by all of the professionals, and you've got nothing.

To my surprise, no idea if it was intentional or not but..., the speech pathologist sat on my side of the table. Right next to me. The air in the room felt nowhere near as hostile as it had in past years. I instantly felt as though Miss Speech Pathologist was on my side. Whether it was deliberate or not, she changed the tone for me. I did not make the planned announcement of recording the meeting. I felt that somehow, things just weren't going to play out like they had in the past. And they didn't.

Miss Speech Pathologist led the rodeo. And she kept her word. She made sure every point I had ever mentioned to her got brought up, and she had obviously been on the ball for weeks. The teachers were informed about my concerns, they had began working on them, and we were just all THERE.

We started with the math teacher who first off mentioned Tyler's obvious enthusiasm for everything. Which prompted a fresh story from the principal. Just today Tyler came running up the steps. Huffing and puffing. Flopping his feet. Looking like he was just about to fall over. Almost taking out other students. She asked him: Tyler, are you ok? YES!, I'M JUST EXCITED TO BE HERE!

And that is the Tyler that everyone knows. 

When we got to his primary teacher who deals with reading and writing, she immediately addressed the handwriting. I had talked to her before about the issue. Miss Speech Pathologist had clearly been speaking to her about it. She admitted that she hadn't been on the ball with the issue. She had been lax. But she promised that she was on it now and would stay on it. She handed me a piece of paper that she had Tyler write just yesterday. This is after having the handwriting specialist come into the class and give the kids a lesson on how to have good handwriting, and she left Tyler some special paper.

It was STUNNING. I have never in his life ever seen anything like this paper. They promised that instead of pulling Tyler out of class for special handwriting lessons that they would take it upon themselves to teach him how to do this. To be consistent about it. And that as a team we would help him achieve his goal of being able to write his own papers, and that he would be able to read them. I told them I didn't care who worked with him on his handwriting as long as everyone agreed there was a problem and SOMEONE worked with him on it. And if the result was something like this paper....what more could I ask for?

Is this not the prettiest thing you've ever seen?

We moved on to talking about needing to "chunk" his assignments. That instead of just saying, here Tyler this is due in 4 weeks. Make him have to turn pieces of it in every day because he has no concept of time. And likewise apply similar type things to other smaller scale things in class.

We agreed that he is still in need of sitting by a teacher, needs to be pulled for big tests, and needs to sit separately for smaller tests with something along the lines of folder blockers.

Another new thing is that he will have the resource teacher coming in and helping him learn staying on task skills. She will also formulate a check list that he can use to apply to all of his work. Things like, how is my handwriting? Did I do my best on this? Did I take my time?

Just little reminders of staying on task.

We talked about his new high school friend who comes and sees him three times a week. His primary teacher said she did deliberately assign Tyler to him. That she thought it would be a good thing for him. Miss Speech Pathologist and I couldn't agree more. Not to mention that this is yet MORE time for him to socially interact with someone. He get's to keep him until the end of the year.

There was some obvious concerns over the time he is already out of class. We are looking into everyone's schedules to see what can be moved around. Tyler seems to always be gone out of math class, and his math teacher thinks that is causing an issue. Understandably, but at the same time right now he can't have any less time in speech because as is he's still having tons of social problems.

I pointed out how he is still having a great deal of social problems. I pointed out how he would NOT tell his teachers if he were having a problem. Be that with another child or his school work. The math teacher said that Tyler doesn't tell her, but that she picks up on it. It meant a lot to me though when his primary teacher agreed though that no, Tyler will NOT tell either of them anything. That they have learned to pick up on when something is wrong, but that Tyler will come home and tell me, and that I have to relay that information back to her so she can address it. Last year a teacher insisted that because Tyler chattered at her about other things, that clearly Tyler never had any problems with other students because he would tell her if he were. She knew it, because he talks about everything else...so why not? 

The principal thinks that by next fall his time will have to be cut just based off of the increase of material that will be given out. I told her that as long as Tyler had made improvements... I'd be understanding of that.

I pointed out how he has trouble with multi step questions that show up on worksheets. He gets it wrong because he followed step one, but forgot step two and three. Or he followed step three, but forgot step one and two. The principal threw out some ideas of maybe having him highlight or circle question marks or draw pictures. We'll see how that goes.

Overall though, Miss Speech Pathologist took care of everything. Just like she said. When she had made it through everything she stopped and asked me if she addressed all of my concerns. And, I must say, overall I have NO complaints. He's getting help now from the resource teacher, he's getting to keep Mr. High School until the end of the school year, he's getting help for the handwriting problems, he gets to keep his current speech minutes, and they are going to start breaking down multi step or lengthy work for him.

After the meeting I went to the cafeteria to say hi to him. I pulled out that piece of paper and said, What.is.this?! The smile on that boys face is just priceless. He was so stinking proud of himself. His teacher said it took him about 10 minutes to write it. That's a long time for how small this paper is (it's about 3 inches tall and 2 inches wide). But it is a start. Practicing over time can increase the speed of his writing.

I actually feel quite good about today. I thank Tyler's speech pathologist for that. I also thank his primary teacher for that who at times said things like, I am already doing that on my own, but you should put that in his papers for his teachers next year. I never needed my papers. :)