Finding it in you to trust your child.

Last night I said "Sometimes, no matter how hard it is....you've got to let them grow up. You've got to give them enough room to fly, with enough rope to hang themselves." I also promised to explain myself in a blog post. So, hear me out...

In our community of special needs children it can be really hard to let our babies grow up. To let them be out there on their own and hope that they manage alright. There are so many unknown probabilities. And WHAT IF they can't handle it? I mean, look at the rest of their lives. Eating little else besides canned spaghetti, needs someone to turn on and adjust the water in order to bathe or shower, needing constant reminders just to achieve daily goals. Surely, someone who needs so much help and is so restricted, can't be left to their own devices. To be trusted to do something without anyone looking.

I have two kids. Everyone knows about Tyler and his autisticness. What about Blonde Eyes? I suspect she's NT but she has some major self esteem issues. And it's caused a lot of problems. It's caused mom and dad lots of worry and fears of her being out on her own and having to make the right choices when no one is looking. Does that mean you don't give her the chance? When she gets tangled up in the rope you gave her does it mean you don't cut her loose, and after a time give her some more rope? We go through this rinse and repeat process with her.

However, no matter what we continue on. We love her. And we are determined to strengthen her. Whatever that takes.

What about Tyler? In a lot of ways he's pretty darn trust worthy these days. He's not the wanderer that he was when he was a toddler. You know, where they sit there not saying anything and then suddenly a thought occurs to them that they are going to go somewhere and they just LEAVE. (For those that don't know "wandering" is now recognized as a medical classification that often goes with autism.) But, he has to be told on a daily basis that it's time to shower, he has to have someone prepare his water, he has to be reminded to use soap, he has to be told to get back in when he doesn't use soap, he has to have visual ques of his daily schedule, and verbal reminders of staying on track. He still sometimes get's ideas in his head of "better" ways to do something and without a word will just DO whatever his grand idea was.

So, what can he do? Just before Christmas we gave Tyler an early present. A cell phone. The grandparents then got him a new bike for Christmas. I have seen the end of my days walking hand in hand with him to school. The chattering, the changing of his steps to get into sync with my steps. That ship sailed, and I had to let my baby bird out of the nest a little bit.

Tyler now takes his bike to school. We've been over all the rules. Most are all the same rules from when we walked together. I threw in watching for mailboxes. With his new cell phone he contacts me every morning to let me know he's at school. He contacts me every day and let's me know that he's leaving school. I know every day when he's truly on his own. I stand by the window and watch for him to come riding down the sidewalk. 

Ten minutes of freedom. So much COULD possibly go wrong in that time frame. BUT, if I don't learn to trust him now....how will anyone else out there ever do it? Who's going to give him a chance at life if it isn't me? Special needs or not...you have to find a way to trust your kids, and let them do something without you. If you never trust them, they'll never trust themselves. They'll never know if they CAN do it, if they never try.

For Tyler, that step is riding his bike to school, and then back home, alone. For Blonde Eyes... well, she can be trusted with much...just not a computer. It doesn't have to be much though. It doesn't even have to be being somewhere alone for a few minutes. It could be anything. And if they get tangled up in the works, cut them loose, but don't make that into your excuse for not letting them do anything again. They're just kids, some with special needs, growing up is a hard learning curve, and I'd suspect we all needed more than one try when we were doing it.

Riding down the sidewalk on his way home from school.