Verbal vs Non-Verbal: The highs and lows.

Last night I mentioned how Tyler doesn't do so good at description type conversations. Feel free to quickly check it out, it's very short. It really got me thinking, again. Where is my place in this autism world? Do I really fit in? Do I really have a place to say anything? I live in the 'high' end of town. We're like Pod People. We look like everyone else, but under the surface... we're really just 'low' end people wearing a 'high' end outfit we picked up at the local Goodwill.

There are always sides. Gosh, it get's so tiring. Why are we pitting ourselves against each other? We argue over who is lower or higher functioning. We fight over who has it better or worse. We fight over whether "curing" is right or wrong. There is just too much knocking your neighbors down that goes on. And with that said, I'm going to throw out some of my feelings that may not be so favorable. But they are MY feelings.

Some people might say, "Well, at least your kid can talk. I'd give anything to hear my child say 'I love you mom'".... I can understand that. I really can. But I assure you, no one knows that Tyler loves them by anything that he says. They know Tyler loves them by the things he does, by the look on his face, and the visible joy behind both. Yeah, Tyler talks. Tyler tells me he loves me. BUT, Tyler speaks in scripts. Does he love me? You better believe it. Is he saying he loves me from a random feeling of love that makes him want to share it? No.

Anyone who knows Tyler personally knows that Tyler has the same script that he closes off every phone conversation with. It's really adorable, long, and...scripted. He's used it for as long as he's been capable of saying those words (which is a long stinkin' time now).

I love you.

I miss you.

I love you, I miss you, bye.

Bye.

It doesn't matter if you saw him 2 minutes before and will see him again in 5 minutes, and he was just calling to ask you if while at the store if we needed anything besides milk. Doesn't matter. You get the whole script. And that's great right? I mean, at least he's saying those words. That's more than some might get. Who cares that it's not said out of emotion? It's great, don't get me wrong.... it's just.... it's not what's important.

I know how Tyler feels and what he wants NOT based on anything he says. More often than not Tyler is reduced to the same tugging and pulling and pointing action that non verbal autistics do when they want something. You know something is wrong with him the same way you'd know something is wrong in someone non verbal. His actions.

What if you had a spouse who said 'I love you' solely on autopilot? Would it mean so much?

Autisticness aside, as people we are all the time saying that we want people to SHOW us that they love us not just say it. In the autism world we say just the opposite. We say stop SHOWING me you love me, and just TELL me.

Like I said, I get it. I do. What I want you to understand though, is that the verbal/non verbal isn't so important. You hold yourself down. You tell yourself how you'd give anything to hear them say 'I love you'...but they are. Every.single.day. Stop trying to listen with your ears.

Whether or not you believe I have any place in this autism community I want you to know that if you put aside the verbal/non verbal stuff.... I fight the same battles as everyone else does every day.

Let's stop trying to one up each other on battle scars. Let's be friends. Let's lend a hand. Give some support. Lend an ear. A shoulder. Something, Anything. Because I promise you, that even in the high end of town, there's trash to be taken out. There's tears being shed. There's hopelessness being felt. We get the same uneducated comments about our kids that you get about yours.

What's the real point here? Two things really:

1) I want you (the parent of someone non verbal) to not feel so bad about your child not speaking words through their mouth. I PROMISE you they are speaking words through their eyes, face, hands, and hearts.

2) I also want acceptance from others. I want to erase the lines that say we are fighting separate battles, and that we don't share any commonality because my kid can talk.