Where are you Christmas?

What a  gorgeous day it is today. The sun is shining, the bite in the cold air is gone, and there is a feeling that I can't quite put my finger on that is stirring inside. I'm in a good mood. Not that good moods are rare, but this is something a bit more special than just a good mood. What is this?

For years now I've gravitated towards a particular Christmas song. It's one of the few modern Christmas songs that I like. "Where are you Christmas" from the movie The Grinch who stole Christmas. I have a really happy and blessed life, but for some reason there has been a feeling that has been missing at Christmas time. What made the matter worse was the seemingly no reason for the feeling to be lacking.

Yet, here I am today, twelve days from Christmas and I am pretty sure that is the feeling stirring within me. Something from long ago, like an old friend, that you finally meet with again. You're both a bit unsure. You say your hellos and try to feel the situation out. You want to dive in and act like the time was never lost and no one is ever going anywhere ever again....but, you just don't know.

Where did this feeling go? Why was it gone for so long? Why is it back just now? Does any of it even matter at all? I'm not so sure that it does. Shouldn't I just throw caution to the wind and embrace this feeling for as long as it may last?

It's not that I don't have problems. Because...I have problems. I have debt. I have a middle of the barrel single income. I feel tired and strung out from all the strings that are pulling me in different directions. I wish my husband and I dated more, but time can be so hard to come by. So, what's changed?

My relationship with my mother has improved. We're not as close as we once were, but we call each other from time to time to check and to say we love each other. That's more than what it had been. The relationship between my daughter and I has vastly closened. She has one temporary mental break down and WHAM! Now we're like BFF's with the occasional reminder that I am still the parent in the relationship.

I've had a pep in my step all day. One that had been swallowed up in a rut for ages. I've bopped along, getting my stuff done, and done it quietly as to not disturb the hubby while he works. The mailman came to the door with Hope's early birthday present and he was chipper and OMG life is beautiful out here, come outside! And I didn't think him crazy. It's in the air. 

I have tried to instill into my children that Christmas isn't about presents that it's about a feeling. The spirit of Christmas is what truly matters. Troubles and worries aside, it's about what's on the inside.

These are tough times for many families, and my family is no different. But I have found Christmas. Right where it has always been. Right where it should always be. In the feeling of family. A feeling that can be found on Christmas, and every other day of the year. One most only look a little deeper for it.

Merry Christmas vs Happy Holidays, and what it means to have Hope.

This weekend I was cleaning up my room and had some online Christmas radio station playing. Suddenly, I really got to thinking about something that get's me every time. This is kind of a combination piece. I think it adds on to the point I was trying to make in a recent post about using the "I'm disabled" card as an excuse to be mean to people. For me, it is never ok for ANYONE to call other people names, belittle their opinions or views... To me, there are people out there that just have far too much time on their hands.

I think this is particularly true over religion, and the never ending battle over "Merry Christmas" vs "Happy Holiday's".

I know people who do not consider themselves religious in any way, I know some who call themselves atheist, I also know many people of various other religions. I live in an area that seems to be highly populated by Jewish families. I've had Jewish neighbors, I know Jewish families through school, and both of my children have Jewish friends. I always tell my Jewish friends Merry Christmas. I am Christian, why would I not? Does them being of a none Christian faith mean I cannot offer them a word of good will?

I likewise have non faith and atheist friends. Most of which are just happy as pie for you and yours and are not the source of what I am about to say. However, I do know, and have known others who go far beyond just not believing in religion for themselves, but those who seek to destroy it for all. Especially at Christmas time. 

Why? Why would you do such a thing? How much hate do you have to have in your heart to want to strip others of their hopes? Nothing in this world is perfect, and for whatever reason you hold in your heart for choosing not to believe....why must you name call, belittle, and tear down your neighbor?

While cleaning and muddling through my thoughts on this matter I turned to Firefly. If you have never watched this show, you should. I thought upon the episode where River was being looked after by Shepard. River, not being able to make sense out of his Bible began to rip out the pages that she deemed to be impossible. She told Shepard that she was fixing it for him, to which he told her...you do not fix the Bible, it fixes you. He informed her it was about having FAITH, it didn't have to all make sense, it was about BELIEVING. Later, after reviewing her work, she brought it back to Shepard and told him that after she tore the pages from his symbol they turned to paper.

To me, this scene speaks volumes. It's not about right or wrong. It's not about humanly possible or not. It's about HOPE. Having something to believe in is a powerful thing. No matter what it is. (When I recently told Tyler that I didn't know about buying him a certain something for Christmas he told me, "You don't have to buy it for me, Santa will give it to me...because I believe!") Hope is what keeps people trucking a long. What makes them get up to fight another day. 

Instead of bickering over who is right or wrong, that logically it couldn't really be Jesus' birthday, what's the politically correct term to use....let's just offer each other a word or two of good will. In what ever manner means something to you. Whatever gives you HOPE. Whatever brings the warm fuzzies to your heart. 

Christmas in the hospital, 1997.

Fifteen years ago, I was spending my Christmas in a hospital bed with what filled me with HOPE. So much so, she was thus named. I have Hope with me every day. Although, I didn't know how long I was going to live and where life was going to take me....I had Hope. 

Upon finding out that I was expecting (what would have seemed like an uhoh teen pregnancy), I also found out I had cancer. I found out that it was grave. Both times I was pregnant the status of my cancer was severe enough that my life and theirs was in danger. My first visit to the doctor during my pregnancy with Tyler I was told that there was just no way my body could ever deal with a third child. Tyler would be the end of the line. After finally winning my battle against cancer, my marriage ended, and I was in a car accident that nearly took my life. 

HOPE is a powerful thing.  

I could not imagine getting through that time in my life without hope. So, I likewise cannot imagine why there are people out there who want to take that away from others. Christmas is a big time of year for me. Once upon a time, it was a time of uncertainty. Life has come full circle, and I have even more hope, faith, and good will to offer to all.

So whether you are Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Pagan, Atheist, or .....

                MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

The verdict is in. Tyler suffers from autism.

It's almost a certainty if I receive a phone call from a specific area code that it is going to be the school district. There is one specific number that I know right off the bat to be the automated message number. Although I did get thrown off once and it was actually a person. Today I received a call from the automated message line informing me that a person I was friendly with and had a lot of doings with outside of the elementary school had randomly died the night before.

So when the second call came in from a separate number but same area code, I paused. I sat and looked at the number across my screen and debated as to whether or not I wanted to answer it. I sighed and bit the bullet.

It was the schools Speech Pathologist calling me in response to my call last Friday to the school Counselor. On one hand this would seem odd if it wasn't for the previous call. I imagine they have their hands full up there. They are offering grief counseling.

She asked me what it was specifically that I wanted. I told her just what I had said in my voicemail. I want a new meeting. Changes need to be made. But...You're not due til February. So? There's a problem NOW. Yeah...but I just don't know if we can squeeze in a meeting before Christmas...we are SO busy. Is there something we can do, maybe working with the teachers to help?

Well, the teachers are doing great as far as that goes. They're trying. The problem is... My IEP meeting was rushed through so that they could get back to the previous IEP that had been going on HOURS before mine and they still weren't done with it yet. So, now I have an IEP with holes in it. And, on top of that, this year there are so many things going on that Tyler had never faced before so no one knew there'd be a problem.

S.P. - What's the problem?

Me - For starters: His handwriting. It's terrible. Most of the time you can't read it. There are times HE can't even read it. I've talked to his teacher about this. We're all in agreeance. It's bad. Teacher says at this age his handwriting is solidified. But he gets marks on his papers for being sloppy, he loses points for not being neat...something needs to be done. 

S.P. - Ok. I'll talk to the OT people and see if we can get something going or see if he has to first be evaluated for a problem in this area before they can help him.

Me - Then: There's the whole issue of him getting lost in the classroom. Sure, they go over stuff in class but when it comes to processing it after the fact and that many of the things they are doing have longggg deadlines...he becomes confused. Somewhere between home and turning in the work he loses it. He does parts of an assignment, and forgets the others.

S.P. - Doesn't he have a resource teacher? They are usually the ones who help those with autism learn these kind of skills (time management/organization).

Me - Don't think so. Like I said. They hurried my meeting. Although they did bring in someone to touch base with us during the meeting in the event that they decided Tyler needed to go see that person.

S.P. - Ok, it sounds like to me that he's having trouble with a lot of things that are just common for those on the autism spectrum. He should be seeing the OT and Resource teachers. I will make a note of this here and see what I can get started and then if we can't squeeze a meeting in before Christmas maybe we could do the first week in January when we come back.

Me - That'll do. It just needs to get done sooner than February. He's struggling, and that's unacceptable.

S.P. - Are they using a check list with him in class?

Me - Not that I'm aware of. You mean, like in past years where he had a schedule and he checked things off throughout the day as he accomplished them?

S.P. - Yes.

Me - As far as I know...no.

S.P. - Did they help?

Me - I have schedules taped on my walls. Constant reminders of what he's suppose to be doing. Stuff he doesn't get at school. In the past, when he did these things in school, as far as I am aware it did help. It helped him stay on task and they said it helped make him more accountable for himself.

S.P. - Ok. We'll see about getting him a new one. Anything else?

Me - Well...What are YOU doing with him? Last year she took him 3-4 days a week (deliberately stated because she only takes him twice a week) and worked on socialization and volume control. He made great occasional progress. Now...? Not so much. Just Friday he got written up for being too loud in the hallway.

S.P. - Ohhh, so he's been having trouble recently. Well, I am glad you told me about that. I will work with him on implementing what we learn in class to other areas. *talks about how in the group she takes him with for socialization he does very well in and is very helpful to the other people whom struggle more than he does*

Me - Well, socially this year he has done much better than what he has in past years at this point. However, he does still struggle out on the playground with "equal" peers. Tyler has always been really good with  people who are at a lower level than him (hence why he plays with 5 year olds after school on the playground). You put him out there at recess playing football with the other kids and he tries to commandeer the game and they don't take kindly to it.

S.P. - That's a good point. I will try to start pulling him sometimes with groups of other people so he can work on applying the skills in different settings. He is definitely at the point (referring to the amount of time he has been in the speech program) that he needs to start learning to apply the skills he does in my classroom to other settings.

Me - Just so you know we have been working on understanding "personal space" at home.

S.P. - If Tyler cannot explain to you I could send home a packet of what we have been working on. It was designed for those with autism. We are learning about expected and unexpected. *brief run down that I don't quite recall (something about expected (acceptable) behavior and unexpected behavior that makes others uncomfortable)*

Me - *explains how Tyler sucks at explaining*

S.P. - Will work on that. 

*Giggling over Tyler being super excited about getting an eraser from her the other day*

S.P. - Ok, let me talk to the other teachers and I will get back to you just as soon as I have heard back from everyone and we will start getting this taken care of.

Me - Deal!


In short? NEWS FLASH! Tyler has autism and doesn't have all the services he should have. Time to fix that. By all means S.P. lady...tell the freaking principal WTH autism is. Tell her what's COMMON autism struggles.

*sighs* Two more weeks till vacation time. I can make it. Tyler can make it. 

WE CAN MAKE IT!

Mom? Dad? Is anyone there?

This weekend Blond Eyes was in a Christmas Parade for the city. We got up at 6:45 on a Saturday morning to usher her off to the starting point. The parade is hosted every year by different people and this year it was hosted by her color guard squad. The hosts were asked to be there earlier than the rest of the band. Her parents, her little brother, and her grandparents all lined up along the side of the road to see her march down the street in the mist of this giant hooha. When it was over she said that one of the members of her guard needed a ride home, because her parents weren't up yet. Not up yet? So they didn't even go?

This turned over in my mind for the rest of the day and on into the night. I decided it would be the next weeks blog post....but a few days are always needed to mull things over a bit in my head. Sunday morning I got up and a friend of mine had posted a blog link for her pregnant friends. I read the post, and it was in line with my thoughts...sort of. It was meant to encourage and set fears a side to expectant mothers, BUT in doing so it talked about how moms in the days of old did things. Which is what I had been thinking about the night before. Except, not just about moms, more in general.

Here are my thoughts on involved parenting.

Ages back I wrote a post about being involved. A month before school started Blonde Eyes was in band camp. Just before the start of school they were suppose to go in at predesignated times (based on their name) to pick up their schedules and have their ID badges made. Well, her time fell while she was at band camp. I thought there would be no issue, and figured she didn't really want me there anyways. You know...Miss High School and all. Not to mention...she was already going to be there due to the camp. Sadly, there ended up being an issue and she was unable to get her schedule or anything else done. She came home all sorts of upset with me. She even cried over it. She accused me, YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE! AND TODAY YOU WEREN'T!!

Miss High School indeed. I have come to understand that even though she puts up this front and tries to act like you're embarrassing her...she always glances out of the corner of her eye. She's looking, and she expects to see you there. As she marched up the street I saw her glance from the corner of her eye at us, I saw a grin creep across her mouth, she was dying for you NOT to call her name....but bygolly you had better do it. She turned her head at us to object to her brother's overly loud rejoicing....but not too much, because he might stop.

Shhhhh, you're embarrassing me!!

Afterwards she complained about the fuss. It was already hard enough to do her flag work and walk at the same time without having to deal with the distraction. Yet, you know that if there had been no distraction the complaint would have been...no one even cared!

I thought back to a very impressionable night of my youth. Despite the fact that one mostly didn't want to have any attention in my house there were a few times where I wished... just for a moment we were different people. This one particular night probably the most. 

Every year my elementary school had what they called a "Spaghetti Dinner" night. It was catered by Olive Garden. You came with your family to eat and to watch a show. Part of which was put on by a group of fifth graders. I had been in that group. I worked with my group for a long time to memorize this routine. That night, I got all dressed up in my costume. I walked out the door, and walked myself to the school. My parents were home. My siblings weren't doing anything important. I walked myself to school.

I did my performance. When it was done I stood in the entry way looking into the cafeteria. All the students sitting with their families, the teachers sitting together, and everyone enjoying their meal. Where would I sit? I decided I didn't belong there. So, I walked myself home. 

My children have never been forced to feel that way. When they scan the masses...there is always someone there. Miss High School is proving...there is no age limit to wanting to have your own personal cheering team.

The grin that betrays her mask of disgust.

Sure, in the old days things were different. Parents weren't involved. Even less so than what my parents were. Each generation back there was less and less involving yourself with parenting. I'm glad that the being involved part has mostly changed. Obviously it hasn't for everyone. There are some changes though that I find sad. 

I use to take myself to the park, swimming, ride my bike across town to the beach, travel up and down the islands of Florida....and no one cared. We'd walk into a theme park and it was "you come back here at X time", and that was the last you saw your parents....and no one cared. Today, most kids can't even play out in the yard without someone glued to the window. They don't dare just wander out in the open and out of sight.

Can we be involved in our kids lives AND let them have the freedom of NOT being kidnapped? That would be great...wouldn't it?

How to conform goat cheese.

I really do my best to avoid controversial subjects. I dabble in them occasionally, but do my best to not stay long enough to get things too stirred up. I seem to have hit one of those subjects, and I felt that it warranted a little bit more than what it was currently getting.

So, last night on a friends personal page they made mention of something, I replied to it, and a handful of other people did as well. One person started making tons of replies. In the end she probably had 100+ comments. She belittled everyone who disagreed with her. She used a term with me that I had never heard of before and was forced to google it. Come to find out it was a slang word. She was essential telling me to "eff off". I decided that instead of engaging this kind of person I was going to just tap out and not say anything.

Around comment 120+ or so I finally commented again. I had seen that in previous comments out of nowhere the "odd duck" would say things like "I have autism", "I have the aspergers autism" "I have an IQ of 170"....All of these comments were ignored by the person she was currently verbally assaulting. He ignored them because they had nothing to do with what they were talking about, and he consistently did not talk to her in the same tone as which she was talking to him in. My comment, was directed specifically at my friend, and did not mention this other person or anything from her conversation with the other person.

She then latched on to me. I replied with just "I wasn't talking to you". She then began to inform me that it didn't matter and went on a tangent. I said "That has nothing to do with what I said". She then informed me that well at least the other person had been intelligent and that I was being very rude and hello...she has autism.

Now, this really got under my skin. This person was being a total jerk to everyone and then saying they have autism to keep people from being mean back to her. She very clearly knew she was being a jerk, and abusing her "disability".

*Insert rant/convo from Tylerism's*

Ok. So here is why it bugs me. I have to fight for Tyler to get services. Services that he needs just to get his class work done. It makes it all the more harder for me to throw the word autism around for why he needs services when people are out there using it as a reason for them to get by with being a total butt to the general public. I make my son apologize for saying things he shouldn't. You know, those truthful observations that you really shouldn't say. I teach him that even though they are true that you shouldn't say them anyways. Calling people names and picking fights for no reason has nothing to do with autism. Calling people names is not those factual truths that you shouldn't say.

"Your child has to learn to conform". This is something that has been known to get under my skin. Why? I don't know. That pesky little word "conform" does it every time though. Why? Why does he have to conform? Why can't the public at large learn to deal with it? Here's the thing. He doesn't have to lose himself in order to conform. No one (better not be) is asking him to stop being Tyler. However, you can't do certain things. As I look around my house, as I look at my husband and myself... We are living our very quirky lives, and we conform where need be. My husband works from home, and he doesn't tell the people he's forced to talk to just how stupid he thinks they are.

We teach our kids that you can't do those things. We teach our kids that they are MORE than autism. We teach our kids not to hide behind their diagnosis. To go out there and BE something. To rise and triumph. To, dare I say, CONQUER it. And in order for our children to do these things, the adults have to stop using it as an excuse. It is NOT ok or a symptom of autism to call people names. It is not ok or a symptom of autism to use it as a shield to see to it that you do not receive the same treatment that you dish out. Those are very deliberate actions. Actions that are not acceptable.

In the big picture I do not care about anything this woman had said. I do not know this lady. And once this conversation dies away that will be the end of it for me. What I care about is people (she's not the only one) who water the word autism down - who only make it harder on the community. On top of it making it harder for everyone in the community what kind of awareness do you think that message is sending? If the other people in that conversation didn't know what autism was...what do you think they learned about it from this woman's behavior?

I have autism, so I'm not so good with people. I have autism, so I have to work a little harder at it than others. I have autism, so I find it hard to picture things in my head that I can't see in front of me. I have autism, it does not have me. This is the message I teach Tyler. I do not ever make it ok to say: I can't do that, I have autism. You're stupid, I have autism.

As I sit here thinking about new modifications that Tyler needs in his IEP, I can't help but wonder how much damage bad advertisement does for our community. We all want progress. We all want better services. We all want a way for our kids to learn how to rise to the occasion. We can't do that if the message is: Autism is a free ride. No one wants to give services for that. No one is saying that you can't have autism and be the person you are, just that you can't have autism and use it as an excuse for bad behavior. Especially once you're an adult, but that is a lesson learned in childhood.

Here is a link to an article shared to us in the above linked conversation. It's a good read, and she probably says it better than I do.

The dysfunctional house that Thanksgiving built....and other holidays.

First and foremost, Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you. Holidays and family dysfunction. What's new right? A quick look through facebook and you will see a wide range of meme's on the subject. Same on any other social media. It's like the glue that binds everyone. Most all people can relate to having some family dysfunction on some level or another.

My inlaws have a Thanksgiving tradition of toasting and giving one "I am thankful for...", so last night I laid in bed thinking about what would my toast be this year? What is it that I am thankful for above all else this past year? On my personal page I have been doing the traditional month of thankfulness. Most of which has had something to do with that particular day, but this is like the honorable mention. What is my prized blessing this year?

So, as I laid in bed thinking about it my mind turned to the past, as it most always does. I thought back to my childhood Thanksgivings. Whereas I could say that I could recall times of all day turkey cooking, I could not recall a single time of eating with my family or spending the day together. In fact, when looking over all other holidays, things just kind of came and went. We were not close. We did not spend time together. We did not celebrate. I never even had a single birthday party growing up. Not for any reason that I could explain. We were not poor. Our religion did not dictate against it. We just didn't do things together.

All through my childhood I dreamed of having my own family and how I would do things right. I prized myself on coming out of my dysfunctional family as being "normal" (ha, there is nothing "normal" about me). I had idea's though as to what "normal" was. The ideas one get's in their head are usually as far from what happens in reality as it can get it seems. At least, any time that I have ever dared to imagine.

I didn't really start "celebrating" things until after I had Hope. After moving to Texas and being around my mothers family we began actually having a little bit of a hooha over the holidays. After I married, my husband and I would make the rounds for the holidays (all manners of dysfunction here). After I divorced, I spent one round of holidays back with my mothers family, and the next round with friends from church. The next round of holidays I spent alone with my then boyfriend (whom I now mostly act like that was a relationship that never happened). Then I met my now (and forever) husband, and began spending the holidays with his family.

So, as I am preparing to start working my bread dough.... I'm not sure my toast will come out all that great, I'm not so hot at talking in front of people (not even people I know). It always makes my stomach bottom out. In the event that it doesn't come out right....I am thankful for chances. Seconds and thirds. Even fourth and fifths. Do-overs and selective memory. Whiteout and erasers. I'm still working out the details on how to do things, BUT that's when those chances come in handy.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. May you each be blessed with giving and receiving chances. Be quicker to forgive, and slower to anger. Day to day life is promised to no one. Mistakes of the youth are often by an error in thinking that there is always time, and mistakes of the old are often by an error of thinking it's too late. May each of you feel loved today, and every day.

Blonde Eyes...Life with a teenager.

This meme says it all! (I found this ages ago circling the interwebs, I have no idea where it came from, other than that at the bottom is says WeKnowMemes. Not my picture, but it was obviously a free to circle the net pic)

The above meme has been a joke between Blonde Eyes and myself ever since we first found it circling facebook months ago. 

In my family there is a group of kids that were all really close in age. Three of them fell September, November, December all in the same year. One just a year older. I had a big hand in raising these kids in their younger years. Changed their diapers, babysat, and at different points each of them lived with me for a time.

I don't have the prettiest family story so let's leave it as:
 <insert gap of time of not talking to anyone even remotely related to me>. 

I have recently gotten in touch with the other three kids (as the fourth was my own). I have a close relationship with these kids. When each of these kids lived with me, I raised them like they were my very own (one of which even told me I was the best mother.ever.) I would gladly take even of them back. In.a.heart.beat. I hope I impacted their life just as much as they impacted mine. Looking at the teenagers they have turned into under the direction of their parents (which, even if I don't agree with everything they are up to these guys are still the amazing kids they were when they walked out my door), causes me to reflect more on my very own Blonde Eyes.

Last night on my personal status message I put (I am one of those annoying people who in the month of November throws up something I am thankful for every day): Day 15: I am thankful for Hope. She's not perfect, but she's a good kid. Of all the possible outcomes, I'm glad she's only a mildly annoying teenager :) ♥

Napping on the couch with the dog...

And here is the shake down of it. I get really annoyed with my daughter. She's not stupid. BUT she has always had a bad tendency to be L A Z Y. She would rather work really hard to get her grades barely afloat, then put forth half the effort to just keep them good to start with. So, she would things like, goof off the first three weeks (lose papers, not turn stuff in, turn in half finished work....), and then the next three weeks run around in a panic trying to get her grades up enough to pass.

Then, at home....rinse and repeat. You want her to actually clean up after herself? UGH, that's for lesser folks! You tell her to go clean her room, what you get is her going to her room and going to sleep. 

Napping on the couch....

She does a whole lot of the UGH and eye roll crap. Gosh, I swear I could just choke her sometimes.  Then, a week before school started she ran off like a complete crazy person with not a single lick of sense. We just refer to this as a momentary break of sanity.

High school started and she has actually gotten much better. Her and I are thick as thieves, and she loves being in Color Guard so much that I *almost* don't have to worry about her grades being too bad. Color guard has actually turned her into quite the beast. Lazy? Do you have any idea how many extra hours this child spends at school WORKING her butt off? I don't even keep count. She almost lives up there. There are weekends that she's up there working or traveling around with the band. Last night she came home with her thumb being a lovely shade of purple.

Watching t.v. on the couch...

And my lovely child who always does nothing but complain and whine? She gets physically assaulted on an almost daily basis and the teacher says she NEVER says a word about it. She comes home and does a kiss my boo boo bit and that's the end of it. o.O 

Chores? She's on it. I asked her to choose one night a week to cook to help out around here and she picked TWO nights.

In her Color Guard jacket.

So, Blonde Eyes might be pretty annoying and frustrating, but it's really only because I know she could be so much more if she WANTED to be. Overall though, I didn't draw the short stick with her. She doesn't party, she doesn't do drugs, drink, smoke, and isn't sexually active. Do I still worry that at any moment someone could pressure her into it? Hell yes I worry about it. I'm the mom of a very pretty teenage daughter who likes to make people (and especially peers) happy. 

But she has something she loves, and it keeps her busy. And right now, I'm happy with what she does in her down time. :D

At camp (before changing her hair color).

Criminal Intent

Mama (how many of my blogs start this way?) was telling me about a comment on a post of hers and asked me to check out a link. So, I go over and I read it. Right away I see what she was talking about. The provided link was to a post talking contrary about seemingly EVERYTHING that Mama and I think about autism. It was very strongly written. To me most of it was in a very defiant manner. Not only daring you to defy her, but almost begging you to.

The question at hand was....Why would this person want me to read this? There is nothing here that is anything like what I tell my readers. So....what was the meaning behind drawing my attention here?

The first thing that came to my mind was self advertising. As a page owner that happens all the time. Ohhh I love your page! Come check out mine. And then the page doesn't even follow your page. I'm thinking, same thing but with blogs. Then there is the possibilities of swaying people to come around to that way of thinking about autism.

PWAS then tells her well...maybe you're missing the point behind it. Mama then decides that she should not be so quick to anger and look for a silver lining in the message. Which all leads us here...

I then told Mama that here is the problem. When you don't know someone you then have to try to determine their intent on your own. You have no basis for making your decision either. When you don't REALLY know someone you get to decide for yourself if you want to put malice or love into their words.

Some people naturally like to jump to seeing bad in people others are hopelessly trusting and seeing nothing but good. I don't think many can just place themselves in neutral. What are the options left then? Well, I suppose you could jump to being offended and or retaliate/arrange dinner with your new BFF. Where possible you could consult a neutral third party who knows you both and ask for an interpretation. Or, you could go straight to the source. Hey, what did you mean by that? or Hey, this is what I got from that, is that what you meant?

My husband often tells me that the problem with  the written word is that you can't always tell what context it is meant to be taken in. I don't think that's true, because to me anything you say at any time in any fashion can be taken out of context if the person wishes to do so. I prefer the written word. I can formulate what I am saying. I can add things in, edit things out, and make sure that what I am saying is as to the point as possible.

I keep myself factual in my writings. I rarely attach feelings to them. I try to just say, HEY this is the way it is...no big deal. And I assume that being straight forward and to the point with an absence of feelings will lead to clarity for every reader. But next to no one who reads my blogs truly knows me. Knows me well enough to know my intent. I just hope that the words I say are taken the way they were intended. 

So, what was this other bloggers intent for Mama? I have no clue. The social aspect of people tends to be lost on me. It's why I stay in my home a lot. It's why if I venture out I don't go without my husband. But I could guess that most people's intents are not criminal in nature. Some might be selfish or misguided...but honestly....I just don't understand people.

I'm not a jerk. Hopefully this other blogger isn't one either. I would just say to each of you, be careful how you judge intent. You cannot always judge intent of the person based off of your feelings. In the end, I respect Mama's chosen response to the situation. She was angry. She consulted a couple of friends. And then sat her feelings aside. She decided that just because she doesn't agree with this person that it didn't mean they had to be enemies.

Take a walk with me...

Almost every day since our first day of Kindergarten I have walked Tyler to school, and then walked him home. I have always seen that as our special time. Time that no one else gets. It's where we renew our bond. Anytime he notices that we're not walking in sync he will change his stepping to make it happen. We talk about all sorts of things. These are precious times that only I share with him.

I'm a creature of habit. Once a habit is created I can work solely off of autopilot. However it takes time for a new habit to stick and only takes the routine being broken once for it to be broken all together. On top of that I have a lot of sleeping problems. The hours around 5-8 seem to be when I get my best sleep. A little hard to walk Tyler to school if I'm asleep. On top of that Tyler can be lazy. He likes getting a ride to school. So for the first six weeks daddy drove him to school. I walked with him a few days, but the habit wasn't sticking.

Above and beyond the benefits I get from spending that time with Tyler, I also get some valuable exercise. That walk is a 2 mile trek for me. One there. One back. Days like today where it's extraordinarily muggy, and it's like walking in a sauna. I have been using my arrival home as my queue to eat breakfast. I am the world's worst at remembering to eat. Followed closely by never drinking any fluids. 

Anywho-So, here is a glimpse at a walk with Tyler...

My day starts with Tyler rushing in, jumping on the bed, and hollering at me. With a pillow over my head I mutter "What time is it...?" Tyler proclaims "I don't know. 6:40?" ....."Go pack your lunch."

Tyler jumps back on the bed. "It's 6:50 mom." Then he begins jabbering about the tie he's wearing. It's tie day for red ribbon week. It's his church tie. We haven't been to church in a long time. Why haven't we been to church in a long time? We haven't been church in a long time because of school stuff. Right, mom? We haven't been to church because of school stuff...? o.O I'm going to go out on a limb and say we haven't been to church in a long time because I'm tired and I freak out every time people invade my personal space. (No worries, I did not say that.) Instead, since he's obviously not going to let me sleep, I begin tickling him.

Ok, ok..I'm up. Time to get with the program. Go to the bathroom, get dressed, stretch, go to the bathroom again JUST in case, and then give the internet a quick once over while Tyler gets his morning Pokemon cartoon fix. With my email checked and a glance over to Facebook it's time to scoot. 

While locking (and checking) the door Tyler demands..."Who is that?!" *looks* There is an unknown, and apparently unauthorized, teenager standing on the sidewalk waiting for the teenager from next door. We head out. I ask Tyler how things have been going so far this week with the red ribbon stuff. He tells me that well, yesterday he had been sitting there praying that they'd call his number (he even said "amen" and everything!) , and as he was sitting there with his eyes squinted shut, his hands clinched, and saying please please please....they called 4th grade #55. SO CLOSE! He's #59.

We actually manage to get by the imitation transformers without any rants.

One of the FAKE transformers.

We continue on down the road chatting about this and that. Just as we are coming to the red light it begins to change. I said "Aww, too late." Meaning to push the button for the sidewalk sign and to have it trigger. Tyler bolts for it, pushes it, and tah dah! the sidewalk light changes for us. So we scurry across the street, and I spend the next few minutes having to defend myself for saying it was too late.

We go back to chatting about this and that. Then up ahead I see a girl walking her bike along side a little brother. I asked him if that was his girlfriend up there. I don't recall the girls name, but her and Tyler have quite the combative relationship. Nothing in a bad way. They just compete for the conversation and to be the one on top of whatever they are talking about. He looks up ahead and says that yeah he thinks that's her, but mom you know that's not my girlfriend. You know who my girlfriend is.

Now for the rest of the walk to school we talk about his girlfriend. I'm sure her new husband has accepted that she has the favor of many a young boy. *nods* The first grade teacher. He loves that woman. Heck, I love that woman. He talked about how he was never going to forget her. He won't. Not ever. She was just one of those teachers. She touched Tyler, and I love her for that. 

We kiss and hug in the middle of the crosswalk as I hold back the cars. We shout I love yous and part ways. Tyler is the only one that I know of out of his peer group who would do such a thing. Most of his peers barred their mother's from public displays of affection years ago.  Tyler doesn't care. He's his mother's Babycakes. You want to make something of it? ;)

It is these precious moments that I get pretty selfish over. Unless the weather says NO, then this is my treasure.

Mommy needs a time out corner!

Looking for my happy place.

I've said it before. I am really glad that my husband is a different kind of autism from Tyler and I. Tyler and I have the market covered on freaking out. We get over stimulated easily. AND can freak out of seemingly nowhere. My husband is three degrees of cool and calm virtually all the time. Granted, he is constantly self regulating himself with stims. Aside from that though, he just isn't that kind of autistic.

So, this weekend.... I don't really have any complaints about anything, but does that always mean anything? Sadly not. Sooo...this weekend. Friday night we had a baseball game with Tyler and at the exact same time Hope was traveling with the band to an away football game (but the game wasn't that far away). We went to the baseball game. Grandparents went to the football game. After band party? HA! Blonde Eyes fell asleep on the bus on the way back to the band hall. Clearly we all need some sleep.

Saturday morning grandpa calls and asks if we wanna go have breakfast with them. Ok, sure. Who the heck turns down a free meal? While at breakfast Tyler starts pandering for a new pair of boots BECAUSEEEE it's red ribbon week and you're suppose to wear boots on Wednesday to stomp out drugs. Zombie Blonde Eyes decides she's gonna come back home and veg. The Ex decided he'd come take Tyler to dinner and then watch his game so he picked him up from the grandparents that evening.

*insert dinner with the grandparents, because I couldn't answer the "what's for dinner question" thrown at me by the husband.

We get to the game on Saturday afternoon, and the husband goes with Tyler to start warming up. Now, Tyler has been shuffled around a bit today. I will give everyone the benefit of the doubt that nothing major happened while they had him. We'll chalk most of what happens next to transitioning issues. My husband is one of the coaches. Tyler is a possible pitcher for the night, but it wouldn't be until late in the game. While warming up he wants Tyler to throw him a couple of pitches to see where he's at. Tyler begins freaking out.

Apparently we were suppose to know that before we got there that he had thrown the ball a little bit with the Ex and that on top of that he hurt himself while doing it. So, he didn't want to throw anymore BUTTT he'd be just fine to pitch in the game. Never mind all the huffing and puffing. I'm sure that would have NO ill effects on his pitching. Also, somewhere in the warm up someone hit him with a ball and he didn't approve. 

Then insert a lot of harassing the other coach about pitching RIGHT now. Forget the other 2 kids who didn't get to pitch last night. Let's forget about playing our base, and harass the coaches about pulling the pitcher so I can pitch....Fine, if I can't pitch I'm just gonna not even watch my base. More huffing and puffing. GAH!

It was at least on and off. He'd pull himself together and play......then he'd remember that oh yeah he wants to be pitching. Kind of funny actually since he had recently proclaimed that he'd rather catch than pitch. But ok...whatever. We got through it.

Sunday. Sunday, is almost always chore day around here. Life is just that busy these days. Who likes chores? Not Tyler...He dragged his feet. Argued. He's doing it. What else is left to do? I don't know...how about you pick up that stuff at your feet?! A bit like pulling teeth, but we got through that too. Then I wrote a quick grocery list. Tyler is always the keeper of the list, but on the way to the store dad asked to see the list for a moment. Tyler began flipping out and refused to hand over the list. Tyler was returned home. We have a talk about being so argumentative (amongst what passes for a meltdown these days).  

Finally get almost everything done. The only thing that didn't get done that I had wanted to get to was mopping the floors. I decided whatever, it can wait. I began baking cookies with the teenager. Tyler catches eye of this and starts freaking out all over again. HE wants to bake the cookies. Tyler, this is a girl thing. This is us having us time. No. No. No. Tyler, next time just you and I will bake cookies. No. No. No.

GAHHHHHH!!!! Ok. That's it. Everyone needs to hush. I.Just.Can't.Take.Anymore. Does anyone listen? Heck no! GAHHHH!!!!

So there is this spot in my room where I have been trying to figure out what to do with it ever since we first looked at the place before moving in. At this point I am pretty jealous of Mama and her chair. I want my own chair. I want my own space where I can go hide from everyone that doesn't mean that I have to go to bed. I need a place to decompress away from everyone. A place where everyone knows not to go, not to intrude, not to speak in.

Mommy needs a time out corner!

Items needed:
-Time out chair (Something like this)
-Side table (Something like this)
-Ear defenders (Something like these)
-Blanket (Something like this one)

Oooo, and then I could hang the picture I bought at Oktoberfest last year of the Riverwalk in San Antonio. Ahh, something to fantasize over.

Split families and extracurricular activities.

My ex-husband and I split up when Tyler was just 3. I suppose in the big picture that was about the best time for it to happen. You won't hear me mention my ex-husband much and when you do it is usually in passing. I've enclosed a few disclaimers at the bottom of a post saying that what I said was not about him and shouldn't be seen as a slight against him. I just don't want anyone to read my posts and think that I am slyly saying something ugly about him. I'm not. If I have something to say....I'll say it.

When we split up I had this insane notion that we could be friends. I didn't want to fake it. Kids are too smart for that. Friends turned out to be too ambitious. There isn't a whole lot of instances where I'd give him a high five. I don't think he gives me a whole lot of reasons to like him as a person. I think there are a lot of things he could be doing better for Tyler and by way of helping out with Tyler. Fighting is tiresome though. So I just let him do whatever and take whatever he's willing to give.

My ex-husband and I don't agree on much it seems when it comes to Tyler and what is good for him, what he needs, or how to do things. In fact, I don't even think I could come up with one thing. We do make a good effort to work out holidays, birthdays, and special events. I have always been the one to make a big hooha about these things. Now that I am remarried it's even more of a big deal. My mother-in-law makes an even bigger fuss than I do and my brother-in-law comes in from his 3000 mile buffer zone. We do a lot of activities during those times. And I do something for Tyler's birthday every year.

If you follow our page then you know how much Tyler loves baseball. He plays most of the year. Between the two seasons there is only a couple of months where Tyler doesn't have anything to do on the weekends. This wasn't always the case. My husband Jason played baseball as a kid, and he even played for a time as an adult. I wanted to get Tyler into something, but with him being gone every other weekend I didn't want him to be missing out on half of everything. It seemed so wrong to do that to a little kid. So, I put it off.

One day it finally came out. The Ex and I were arguing. Who knows about what. And I just told him. I'd LOVE to let him do something, but I don't want him to be missing out on half of it. So he snapped back at me, just do it and we'll work it out! Well fine...spring baseball here we come. I don't include him in any of the details. I don't tell him how much I spend on it. This is something that my husband and I do for Tyler. If the Ex wants to contribute to it he's more than welcome to, but I'm not asking. My in-laws usually ask if Tyler is in need of any new equipment from season to season. So my Ex helping isn't going to make or break Tyler's season. I always pay Tyler's fees but I know that if I couldn't the grandparents would be more than happy to take care of it.

There is a boy on our team who comes from a split family. Like with my Ex and myself... they do not get along. They can't even come to some kind of playing field where on his weekend the boy could play baseball. So he doesn't get the practice that the other boys do, and he misses half of the games. This weekend we have two games and he'll miss both of those. It's pretty sad, and it's had me thinking lately.

I don't think my Ex likes me. I don't feel like he appreciates all that I do to make things happen for our son. I don't think he understands or appreciates what I have to do to get Tyler the help he needs for his autism or the amount of money we have to spend on therapy and sensory tools to make his life better. I don't think he appreciates how good of a job Jason does with Tyler. How much of his heart and soul has been poured into raising him. As I have stated, I too struggle to find things to like about my Ex. It's a hard place to be in. BUT...

There is one thing that my Ex does give to Tyler. There is one thing that my Ex makes me happy over. True to his word....he let's Tyler play baseball. During one off season Tyler played basketball, and he let him play that too. No matter the issues my Ex and I might have with one another.....he shortens his weekends, or skips them all together, because Tyler wants to play baseball. Each spring and fall season after I get the schedule I snap a shot of it and text it over to him. I tell him when we are having practices that season. And we set a basic plan for the season and then wing it as needed (rainouts and such).

A thought came to me recently. It wasn't in regards to my Ex but it fits just as well here. I have a nephew that wants to come see me and was disappointed to find that he wasn't going to be allowed to. The thought came to me...there are times, as a parent, that you will have to allow your child to do something, even if you don't like it, because if you don't... there will come a time when your child will leave, and not come back. If you want to strengthen your relationship with your child to the point that they remember you when they are grown, then you must accept that they have desires outside your own. They care for things that you do not. You cannot speak unkindly of the things they love or allow for others around you to do so. And sometimes you have to let them do something that you wouldn't choose for them.

So to my Ex (whom does read my blogs)...Thank you. Thank you for letting him play. He sometimes struggles with transitioning between our houses and sometimes he's a bit of a mental mess when he's on the field....but thank you for letting him have that.

Hearing. It's just too much.

I've told you guys about the wonder of difference that overcomes Tyler when he wears earplugs. That is just what I see. But I could not tell you what it actually DOES for him. I don't know how it impacts him. Just what the see-able difference is. SOOOO....let me tell you about ME.

All my life my hearing has been like....static. That's really the best I can describe it. I hear everything....pretty loudly. The more sounds and/or the longer those sounds continue the more pressure that builds in my ears. It feels like pressure. It's like static but without the static. Not the crackling static that you might be thinking of. Like a t.v. channel gone dead in the middle of the night. More like....feeling the crackling without the noise. Pressure moving, tumbling, and turning in on itself inside my ear. It kind of throbs. Pulses.

All noises are like this to me (I am currently listening to the hum of my husband's computer. It gives a constant soft chirping the sounds like bees in the distance but yet loudly. As if I was sitting a his desk...but I'm not). I can tolerate most of it as I am use to day to day sound being this way. There are certain sounds though that over time will cause me to flip out. Likewise there are sounds that within moments will cause me to lose it. So, one day, under such circumstances I grabbed for a pair of Tyler's wax earplugs (unused of course). I could not believe the difference. For the first time in my life sounds were more than just bearable. I could hear everything just fine but they were so soft and dare I say...pleasant? 

Above and beyond the sound difference. For the first time in my life I spoke softly. All my life I have been told by people that I am speaking too loudly for the situation. I have it mostly under control. I don't YELL, but I am loud. A real problem for me had always been the longer I talk or the more excited I get. I get louder and louder as I go. 

Here recently we were out to dinner with the parentals. It was pretty noisy and there were multiple conversations going on at our table. Most of the conversations were crisscrossing across the table. I spent a good 10 minutes thinking inside my head about this. I was struggling to follow my own conversation. It was so loud, and I was fighting to sort out my own conversation from the others. It has to be pretty bad for you to stop and take note of the situation.

I from time to time wear a pair of Tyler's wax earplugs now. They make me feel at peace in the world. I don't like the feeling of the wax earplugs. They form a pocket of pressure so it kinda hurts my ear drums. I really want to get a pair of ear defenders. I would wear those ALL THE TIME! That's on my list of things to get when I've got the spare money for it. (Kids are vampires that suck your wallet dry.)

So there you have it. That is what it is like to me. Everyone is different, but maybe this could help you understand what it might be like for your child. I know Tyler cannot explain much of anything very well let alone something like this.